S/o Do your children earn any of the things they want

Sewsew_mom

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:34 am

I would love to understand the concept of giving kids everything they want (or just alot of things the child doesn't need)
I see kids these days get so much extra, and honestly I don't understand it.
Does this bring up better children?
I'm asking so genuinely.. Because I have a couple of children and I didn't grow up getting everything that was "in" and wanted and I can't seem to give them everything their friends have and they now "want"
When I do give in every so often because I see how much they are feeling left out, 5 days later it's in the garbage and forgotten about.
I'm so happy as an adult with the way I was brought up, (obviously as a child it's sometimes hard, but it's growth) and I feel that giving all these xtras to my kids just at some point slaps me back in the face.

Let's also mention the amount of money these things cost and the lack of Jewish value they teach (gashmius)

I don't want to be roasted for feeling this way but I would love to hear other points of views that I just don't understand.

Zehava

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:41 am

Sewsew_mom wrote:

I think that when things are substituted for love that’s when it becomes a problem. So when posters reference those adults who come on here and complain that their parents aren’t providing them with XYZ this is the core problem. Those kids grew up getting things instead of love and attention. And now when they complain about a doona or support etc. it’s because this is how they perceive love.
If a child gets plenty of love, attunement, and affection, as well as a chance to be productive and responsible, I don’t think getting more or less materially will ruin them.

TravelHearter

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:46 am

I think it’s about expectation. Would I randomly take my kids out to ice cream just because I love them? Yes. Is it going to be every Sunday? No.
Would I randomly get a game we like from target? Maybe.
If they want it just because? Depends. Prob not.
I think if we sometimes give our kids what they want for no reason, they’ll enjoy it then. And if we don’t give them everything they want, they’ll be fine since they know we love them and do sometimes give them things.
Maybe a way to do this is using occasions as reasons for whatever it is (first day of school! Let’s get ice cream), and maybe sporadically a just because.
They want a bike? A hover board? Birthday maybe.
A new headband just because? ‘Let’s hold off for now, okay?’

Sewsew_mom

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:55 am

TravelHearter wrote:

I always look for just because reasons to take them and enjoy a special treat. But nothing majorly expensive and not things I think are unsafe (aka sleepovers at 6 years old)
But these kids requests come in daily.
Specific school supplies, specific shoes, coats, bedroom furniture, major trips, new gadget /toy, new clothing... I mean I cN list everything.
Let's take school supplies. I'll let my kids pick out a more expensive pencil case-but they also want the fancy pencil, loosleaf, backpack, bla bla bla. And I won't get it. But I see these girls really do get it all and a part of me feels bad for my children but I can't seem to understand the concept behind it all.

I'm always torn and wonder why these kids are getting all these stuff...

OOTforlife

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:57 am

I don’t think many, if any, posters here take the extreme position that kids should be literally given anything they want.

If kids are being raised well, then giving them a lot of material things won't turn them into bad kids. But it will accustom them to a certain standard of living, which can be a real handicap later in life when the kids aren't able to provide that same high material standard for themselves and their own families and the parents don't have enough to make up the difference for all the children and grandchildren.

To repurpose an old saying, I would be doing my children a disservice if I led them to develop champagne tastes unnecessarily. If they can be happy and well-adjusted on a beer budget, they will be much better prepared for adult life.

Sewsew_mom

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:02 pm

OOTforlife wrote:

C"v not bad kids.. Just very gashmius focused ones.
Can't learn to get by with less. Always looking around what other people have.
And I hate the stuff. I throw everything out. So I feel like I'm just throwing out money when I get them these things.
Again.. I think I was brought up with being happy with so little just have a hard time understanding the need for children just getting so so much extra.

I do love the responses.. Makes me open my eyes to maybe I'm not finding enough time or reasons to give my children more.. I do want them to be brought up happy and healthy.

Sewsew_mom

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:05 pm

Also one more example.. My daughter sees that most girls her age stay up later than she does. I don't see why an 8 year old needs to be playing outside after dark, so I have her come in. But it's an ongoing fight every day how her friends go to sleep at 9 and she goes in at 7:30.
I will do what I feel is best, but I do wonder why these children are up until 9pm playing outside on a school night 🤔. Am I to strict with my parenting?
Or eating a proper breakfast before running out the door, not just a cookie.. They tell me no kids mothers do that. And honestly I do see that many mothers don't.
Sort of the same idea as giving kids everything they want /request when my beliefs are so different.

SuperWify

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:07 pm

Some things I make sure to do just because- this Sunday we got ice cream and I told my son it’s because I love him, a treat when we shop in the grocery store because I love spending time with you

Some things are earned- a prize for staying bed all night, a big toy for stopping to wet the bed etc, birthday gifts ect

There can be a normal balance.

When my child asks for something that honestly I have no reason to give him I don’t get annoyed and- stop asking. I listen to him, exclaim how wonderful the toy is, and then I say- let’s write it up on your list. I have his wish list on my phone and the next time he deserves something big he can pick something from his list.

TravelHearter

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:15 pm

Two different points- comparing to other kids and too much materialism.
The first point will come up a lot over the course of their childhood. You’ll have to figure out how to deal with it. Maybe talk to them each time they complain and compare- “She goes to bed at 9? You want to go to sleep late as well? How do you think your day will look like if you have less sleep?” And you can have a discussion. I don’t think you need to have a discussion about everything though. Sometimes it’s just because Mommy said so and I’m so sorry that’s frustrating! How about I read you a story before bed?
Depending on your parenting method.

As for too much materialism- go for the experience and memories over the material things, and you can throw in some material things to keep it balanced. For example, go to the park/ice cream store/ buy a game for the family etc. you’re children will iyH feel happy and won’t miss the things as much, even if they do complain about it.
School supplies wise- maybe tell them ahead of time that they get to choose one special extra thing, and that they should keep it in mind when shopping. When they later say they want xyz like so and so, you can remind them of their sparkly water bottle.

And underlying it all is trying to teach them to be happy with what they have.

keym

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:22 pm

In many areas, your child may be expressing that hes being affected but he doesn't have the words to.
I like to push further in the conversation.
Child: everything stays out until 9. I'm the only one who goes in early.
Me: is that really such a bad thing?
Child: yes, because they play Game XYZ and when they talk about it I feel left out.

Ah ha. You see that's different than just following the crowd. That's affecting her social life. Well maybe let's model flexibility and compromise. Meet her halfway. 8 instead of 7:30?

amother

Pear

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:30 pm

I try not to say no unless there is a reason for it.
Getting a no is never pleasant.
Being they are kids I have the power to make the decision for them, but that doesn't mean I need to say no just because I can.
If it is something I would give myself, I give it to my kids.

Would you just tell yourself no when you really want something- just to teach yourself control or just because you can?

If I wouldn't do it to myself, I don't do it to my kids.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 22 2021, 4:49 pm; edited 1 time in total

keym

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:32 pm

Another thing.
Different people need different things. Some people genuinely need more stuff, need to fit in with their peers more, need to be admired.
It is actually a NEED. They might not need other things as much.
A mashal I heard. Twin babies. They each get 4 oz of formula and are both screaming. But one Needs 2 more oz and the other needs to burp. You wouldn't tell one baby "other babies don't need tge extra 2 oz. They're happy with less you don't need it either".
Telling a child to be happy with what they have can sometimes be compared to trying to force a baby to be happy with 4 oz.

amother

Stone

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:36 pm

My father always says he learned with his younger kids that it’s much better to spoil them. So I took that message and started with my oldest. I don’t get them every thing in the world as I can’t afford it, but if there’s no reason to say no then I most certainly say yes. BH they are very grateful for both the small things and the big things. As a parent I’m just not into standing on principle. My kids can get the nicest and the newest if they’d like, and half the time they don’t even want it. It’s like intuitive eating for things instead of food. They don’t feel like they’re missing out and they know they can get it, so they don’t feel the need to get everything all the time. And of course most importantly, our relationship is above all, and I never try to use things instead of love. I also believe that because my relationship with them is priority, they are growing up to be great kids and not spoiled brats. As a child I was told no most of the time. I also had no relationship with my parents. So I do the complete opposite with my kids. In most areas. They’re teenagers and BH seems to be working well. Obviously if you can’t afford something you can’t get it, but in my experience both personally and professionally, I don’t see that saying no on principle helps kids turn out better. If anything those are the kids who always want more.

Zehava

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:47 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

I don’t think that kids who get more are necessarily more obsessed and looking around what others have. I think sometimes the opposite is true. Deprivation can lead to obsession. I also think kids absorb values from their parents. So if they see their parents obsessed with materialism and with what other people have then that will be their norm.

Sewsew_mom

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:09 pm

keym wrote:

Except that these things don't sit with me well as a parent. 8pm is dark out and not safe. Maybe their mothers see them right outside but I'm up the block and it doesn't work.
The concept is that the child still wants things even when it's not safe or necessarily good for them.

keym

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:33 pm

Sewsew_mom wrote:

I didn't say that you give them things that you feel are unsafe.
I said you open a conversation and come up with compromises that model flexibility.
Maybe come in at 7:30, quick shower, then special board game just for this child and Mommy from 8-8:15 (so she doesn't feel like she's being treated like a baby).
Maybe invite a friend in until 8. Maybe buy a cool jump rope for all the girls to play in front of YOUR house.
Or maybe nothing, but you show that you heard her and want to work together. And your open to her ideas.

Sewsew_mom

Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:02 pm

keym wrote:

So happens to be I may have done this, but maybe I did it wrong. Because it didn't work.
We agreed on getting a watch she likes so she can see the time and come home in time.
She was excited about that idea.. But now she just sees the time and says I still want to play so I'll just come home late.
Sorry this is a total spinoff of a spinoff.. But the concept is still the same.. I never feel like it's enough..