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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
How to handle challenging teen



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amother
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Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 9:43 pm
Who wants me to purchase movies for him online?
Background-
We are yeshivish with a filtered computer
Ds was always challenging. The last few years was heart wrenching at times.
We’ve spoken to so many professionals. We’ve given in to so much that was out of our comfort zone. We switched him to a layed back, out of town yeshiva and for the most part he is doing well.
Now he is demanding movies. It started asking for a typical classic. And another one. Another. Then someone recommended a good movie. Someone else recommended another one. I cringed but saw it was pg 13 and I know I have to choose my battles. When he asked me for another one I watched the trailer and told him I wasn’t comfortable. He asked for another one. Again I watched the trailer and told him I didn’t want that movie for him. I tried to distract him. Tried to find other things for him to be busy with. The minute he wasn’t busy he asked for a movie. I told him I would like the movies to stop. Explained that it’s not such a good habit the minute he’s bored. He threatened he would buy his own smartphone. Eventually dh relented and bought him a movie. This was a few weeks ago. And now he’s at it again after being in his new yeshiva for a few weeks. The day after Yom Kippur he was watching a movie. 2 hours before shabbos he asked me for a second movie for the day and I told him no. He yelled, he threatened and eventually went to his room and slammed the door.
We have been through so much with him. There’s a heavy background. Sometimes I feel like one wrong move on our part and we loose him.
Tonight he helped with the succah and then said that now he for sure deserves a movie. We said we don’t want him to sit and watch movies anymore. He took off on his bike angrily. It’s almost 1am. Dh said we should just let him do his own thing now. He’s either going to mess up his life or choose a better option. I just want him to be happy and make good choices. I just want peace in my house.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 9:56 pm
How old is he? There's a huge difference between 13 and 17. 13 is just over bar mitzva, and 17 is almost a legal adult.

I wonder what's driving the movie cravings? Have you tried getting to the bottom of it? If he's bored, he may actually be lonely. Does he have friends his age he can be with, does he have a chavrusa, does DH spend quality time with him, any brothers close in age?

I'm wondering where he is learning about all of these movies. Is it coming from his friends at the yeshiva? If so, does the yeshiva know that this is going on?

You can't just take away movies, without giving him a kosher outlet that will fill that space. I'd take him to the library and let him check out young adult fiction, or books on his favorite subjects.

If he likes video games, get him a subscription to Minecraft. It's a great "open ended" game where members can work together on building things, digging for gold, running a farm, creating cities, and exploring different environments. It's more about cooperative and imaginative play, and the groups are tightly moderated to keep it kid friendly.

If he's pacing around the house looking for something to do, he may have mild ADD. That would explain his brain's desire for movies to calm and center him. (I have ADD, and I watch a lot of movies, so I know how he feels.)
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