My boys are such sissies

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

After sukkos I will be signing up for social skills classes and /or therapy.

I don’t call them names to their face obviously. Venting here let’s me let go of my resentful or triggered feelings and present as happy and nonjudgmental to my kids.

ugh op plz ignore the sanctimonious comments
we obviously know youre not calling them sissies to their face and youre just venting here
I understand your frustration. social skills group sounds great

amother

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:23 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

You feel resentful or triggered because you don't think your kids are brave enough? Why not just let them develop at their own pace?

I agree with the poster who said the kids are probably picking up on your attitude even if you think you're faking it.

My oldest is anxious about everything. He sleeps with his favorite toys under his pillow in case robbers come, he doesn’t want them to steal his favorite toys. He wanted to slee with his door locked until I told him that’s not safe. He won’t go to friends houses if there are older siblings, sisters or brothers. He doesn’t want to go bowling or on any trips because he is scared he will be embarrassed. The list goes on. I am triggered because I have anxiety and my anxious father and abusive borderline personality disordered mother never got me the help I needed when I needed it most.
I will be sending my son for help, I just noticed how bad things are over the summer/yom tov. I was just venting. That’s all!

imasinger

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:25 pm

Great post above me by amother Currant. OT is a great idea.

And important words from others about language, though I would caution my fellow imamothers not to do what we are trying to get OP not to do. It works much better not to say "don't be a judgemental name caller, even in your thoughts", but rather to say, "focus on the specifics and the details, not the child." If this thread had been titled "Took my boys to the park and they wouldn't do anything", it would have met with a different reaction.

One more thing. I'm curious. When you take them to a park, how do you encourage them to play, what do you do?

hardworking mom

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

so your takeing healthy happy kids to therapy because they dont like to climb? Mabe take them to a museium or find out what they like no one should be forced to do something they dont like! If you like to climb go ahead im sure they wont mind watching!

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:40 pm

hardworking mom wrote:

stop. OP obviously did not disclose all information in her short post.
therapy is not only for severe cases. its always good to speak to someone.

amother

Denim

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well this is a bigger concern than not climbing

amother

Midnight

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:50 pm

I’m sorry OP. Watching your kids crippled by their own anxiety is an awful, helpless feeling. Been there, done that, and it’s no fun. You want to see them happy and carefree and living life to the fullest like regular kids and that’s so, so understandable.
I’m sure this will get a lot of eye rolls, but I’ll say it anyways. Have you looked into pandas at all? My kids were like this before we treated for pandas. Clingy, phobic, irrational, scared of their own shadow, intrusive thoughts, inhibited. It’s amazing to see them come out of their shell with treatment. To see the fears fall away, the worry lift off their shoulders.
Literally, before treatment one of my kids would climb up to the top of the slide and be terrified to come down. 2 weeks after starting treatment that fear just disappeared.

amother

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 4:22 pm

amother [ Midnight ] wrote:

This is how I should have written my post. I’ll be checking my 4 yo for pandas for other reasons, I’ll find out if we tested my 7 yo. (Anxiety does run in my family so it makes sense that it would be there. Just I didn’t have parents who addressed it. It was left to fester and I spent summers on the side of the skating rink when we went there with camp on a trip because I was scared to skate and never learned how.)

amother

Midnight

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 4:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Good luck! Struggling with your own anxiety adds a whole other level of complexity and triggers seeing your kids go down the same path. You want better for them, you don’t want them to suffer like you did, plus your own anxiety makes your concern for them so much bigger. It’s incredibly hard!!!

Two things you may want to know that I’ve learned along my own journey: 1. it can still be pandas even if anxiety runs all over your family tree. We have massive anxiety and ocd (and otherwise lousy mental health) on literally every side of our family tree, including myself, and my kids still respond wonderfully to treatment. 2. There isn’t really a test to rule pandas in or out, it is diagnosed based on symptoms, and that’s why you need a really literate provider to make the call. They will want to run bloodwork because it provides clues, but at the end of the day, their presenting symptoms and also how they respond to [immunomodulatory] treatment will be the best indicator of this is In fact what you’re dealing with.

#BestBubby

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:44 pm

OP, there is a term called "slow to warm up".

These are kids who are cautious, and need to spend time observing, before they can join in.

Just give the kids time watch, and then go over to the climbing structures or slides and encourage
them to give it a try.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 6:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP, are YOU in therapy? If not, you really should be. It sounds like you are projecting your anxieties onto your children, whether you know it or not. Kids can pick up on their parents' energy, and are a lot more perceptive than people give them credit for. It they see you clench up, look around nervously, or falter in your words, they will pick up that something scary is going on.

If your boys see you feeling strong, confident, and self assured, it will make them feel like the world is a safer place. Your boys are constantly looking to you for reassurance, and if you don't believe that the world is a good place, how can they?

FranticFrummie

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 6:05 pm

PS: Please change the title of this thread. It's really upsetting.

Are you aware that sissy is another way of saying that they are gay? It's extremely derogatory, both for shy kids and for gay people.

Definition of sissy
informal + disparaging
: an effeminate man or boy
also : a timid, weak, or cowardly person

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 6:12 pm

My oldest was like this!!

My DH and I went on everything with him at the playground! Yes I was that mom huffing and puffing up the climbing stuff, whizzing down the slide, holding his legs as he climbed a ladder, telling off the tough kids on the playground who didn't want to wait while he navigated the shaky bridge.

He's 18 now, and you'd never know! Hang in there and project your confidence. Focus on the positive and keep finding the progress. Don't look at all the other kids and what they can do or you'll die from overwhelm and heartache and fear. Just keep noticing what he can do now, what he's learned. My kid was the one who was balancing on the wooden rim around the whole playground area and that was his fun, because no one else did that so he had his space. He was very very cautious. I think he may have benefitted from OT, but someone who looked at him informally told me he's just a cautious slower kid and wouldn't be covered by insurance. He's still not very athletically inclined but he's OK to try anything. Like he tried skiiing last winter and came back saying he stunk at it and couldn't do it. But he's a lifeguard and is an amazing swimmer. There's always something! Whatever they like to do, try to add a small challenging aspect so they feel good about it and not like they're stressing you out and disappointing you. I know how hard it is to see all the other kids embracing the playground and your kids are like "we finished our snack bags can we go hoooommee..." It'll be OK, you'll see!!

amother

Red

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 6:12 pm

Name calling will only increase their anxiety and show them that their mom is a total bully. If their mom can bully them, why should they trust anyone else, even other kids in the park? How do they know the kids won't call them "sissies" if their own mother does??? (I do hope you've never said that to them!)
Not all boys want to run, jump and climb. Some like to read quietly in a corner.
Some like to build magnificent towers out of legos.
Some like to sing.
Please start respecting your boys for who they are, not who you want them to be. Start learning this when they are young.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 6:30 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This sounds like he is being bullied since he's afraid of older kids and of others taking his toys. It could be the root cause of all anxiety. And maybe other kids push him in playground equipment at school. Sometimes teachers don't notice.

causemommysaid

Sun, Sep 19 2021, 6:41 pm

All you sanctimommies, I dare you to admit that you never had a mean or rotten thought about one of your kids once in a while.

I'd like to know if you ever expressed it to someone maybe a close sibling or spouse in utter frustration. Doesn't make you a bad mother it makes you human.

Op said it here instead. Not much different. Obviously she loves her kids and doesn't really think they are sissies.