Haven’t seen close neighbor all YT

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 6:39 pm

Normally I’d text her “hope ur ok, missed u by Simchas torah” butttt I have a strong suspicion that she’s pregnant and she probably doesn’t want me to know. She gets extremely sick first trimester. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Should I mention her absence?

imamom7

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 6:41 pm

Missed you by simchas torah! Hope you had a beautiful yt
Always nice to be missed esp if no questions

thriver

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 6:41 pm

You can just send a text, “thinking of you!”

amother

Moonstone

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 6:44 pm

I'm wondering if that's me. I'm pregnant and was absent simchas torah. I'm having a hi risk pregnancy and avoiding crowds.

amother

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 6:54 pm

amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:

I'm wondering if that's me. I'm pregnant and was absent simchas torah. I'm having a hi risk pregnancy and avoiding crowds.

Nope, she has a kosher phone and now internet. I’m really sorry for what ur going thru

zaq

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 7:07 pm

As long as you don’t say Why weren’t you at Hakofos , ru pregnant or something? it’s fine to say you missed seeing her. People do go away for YT or even just hibernate without informing the neighborhood.

thunderstorm

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 7:37 pm

A friend of mine just told me the other day that her outgoing neighbor was missing from the usual circle on Yom Tov. She assumed the neighbor went away for Yom Tov but then Shabbos the women were all outside together and this lady was still missing. She made a mention of it and the other ladies didn’t seem to be too bothered by it. Then she saw this lady’s husband leave to shul so she knew that she’s home. She went over the knock on her door to see why she’s been hibernating. When she told her neighbor friend why she knocked her friend burst into tears and told her she’s been suddenly very depressed and her gesture of knocking on her door made her feel cared about again. This happened this Succos.
You never know what a knock on the door, a phone call or a text could do for a person that is not doing well enough to leave her home whether it’s emotional or physical. I think it’s a huge chesed to reach out and tell her that you’re thinking of her and that you missed her Yom Tov.

Cookin4days

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 7:42 pm

Always nice to know you were missed, if you’re close especially reach out, she can choose to say she’s pregnant or not

amother

Sage

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 7:46 pm

Personally I’d prefer you don’t ask me. There could be various reasons and I might not be interested in sharing them. Telling me that you noticed I’m missing might put me in a spot and make me uncomfortable or feel obligated to share when I don’t want to. I’d prefer you ignore.

rising hero

Thu, Sep 30 2021, 7:49 pm

There are those that would want you to reach out and those that wouldnt. I say send her a message just to let her know you missed seeing her on yom tov. Very pareve. Then the ball is in her court if she wants to share.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:42 pm

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

Even if someone said "Missed you by Simchat Torah! Hope to see you soon!" ?

I agree that asking would not be OK because it would put you on the spot, but with the above there is no implied obligation to share anything.

amother

Sage

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:46 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

Yes because if there’s something she doesn’t want to share, you now made her uncomfortable. She will have a hard time figuring out how to reply. How is it being helpful? I’d rather skip and I’d prefer my neighbor skips commenting in such a case.

amother

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 2:49 pm

It worked out well in the end. She was bringing her daughter to the bus and I was getting into the car so I said “you were really missed on Simchas torah” and that was the end, I got into my car and drove off ...

amother

Seablue

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 3:48 pm

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

And on the other hand there could be some woman who was stuck home all YT for whatever reason wondering why nobody even noticed she was missing or cared enough to message her and ask if she's ok.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 3:53 pm

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

Ok fair enough! She could simply reply "thanks!" or "Hope to see you soon too!"

I think it's one of those situations where it's impossible to know what to do for the best, but you'd only be in this situation if you know the person so that might help in knowing how to respond.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 3:54 pm

amother [ Seablue ] wrote:

And on the other hand there could be some woman who was stuck home all YT for whatever reason wondering why nobody even noticed she was missing or cared enough to message her and ask if she's ok.

Yes exactly. I was thinking the same.

This actually happened to me when I was pregnant with my first and had hyperemesis. Some friends finally got in touch when I was 30 weeks pregnant.

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