Brother’s Shabbos Sheva brachos - what do you do

amother

Pansy

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 9:29 am

amother [ Almond ] wrote:

To me this is a very generalized , black and white statement. As well as the overall take that do anything to go to family simchas.
It depends on so many factors. Community/ availability of space/ distance to travel/ age of children/ finances -and more.
You cant make a general blanket statement to always go to family simchas. You go when you can IF all factors make it possible. If hosting and space is a problem you cant go.
Why is that so difficult to understand?

All true, but significantly lessened for a sibling's event. If your immediate family member is getting married, you double down, or triple down on the efforts to be fully there. It is understandable that even with all the extra effort, it is sometimes not possible. But it's not something to just easily push aside because the logistics are hard for you.

For other simchas, such as cousins, nieces, nephews, I totally agree with you.

GetReal

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 9:30 am

I’ve BH been at siblings simchos but I was very flexible, taking each one as it came. One was in a different country and dh and the kids didn’t come. Some we went to the aufruf, some sheva brochos. We were flexible enough to take everyone’s needs into account.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 9:32 am

tp3 wrote:

You are judging from far and not understanding that people have different circumstances.
It works for you- all the power to you.
It doesn't for everybody. And your kind of expectations doesn't make it easier on anyone, only sets one up for disappointments and more judging.

I'm not judging. OP asked for opinions and advice on what others do in this situation and this is my opinion.

amother

Almond

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 9:51 am

amother [ Pansy ] wrote:

Obviously I was talking about siblings simchas.

If the practical details don’t work out you cant go. Whats so hard about understanding that there are different community norms and different practical realities?
And probably a lot of your normal is based on practical availability. Perhaps where you live neighbors offer bedrooms/ basements/ empty houses/ there are hotels. In some communities that isn’t an option.
Why isnt that understood? Its community and pragmatics dependent.

amother

Almond

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 9:55 am

GetReal wrote:

This! I was going to add it’s possible that because my experience has been with siblings marrying people from different communities and countries, it meant there was a lot of flexibility and differences with how each shabbos sheve brochos went.
No expectations and no disappointments.

amother

Pansy

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 9:59 am

amother [ Almond ] wrote:

Because this is your brother/BIL, sister/SIL that we are talking about. It's your immediate family member, and such occasions are rare events. Who else shouldn't we extend ourselves for, if not for our immediate family members.

An acquaintance once made a wry comment - that if God forbid something happened to the immediate family member, and a weeklong Shiva commences, the logistics would be worked out. But for simchas, to be happy and celebrate together, the very same logistics are insurmountable.

It's a joyful time, all efforts should be made to put all out for such a close event.

Sewsew_mom

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 10:52 am

Your all so funny to judge. Want to give ideas, that's so nice and welcome.. Judging? That's not OK.
You have no idea what kind of life op has or anyone has. Maybe they have no family and friends. Maybe they have special needs kids. Maybe they have mental health issues and/or marriage issues and these things don't work for everyone.

amother

Pansy

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 10:56 am

Sewsew_mom wrote:

Isn't it understood that we are talking about a standard situation? If someone has special needs, or other out of the ordinary circumstances, then all the norms go out the window.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 10:59 am

Sewsew_mom wrote:

No one is judging. We're replying accordingly to the information OP is giving us. We can't know what we aren't told. We can only reply according to the information we know. So far OP's excuse is that it's exhausting, so we're replying accordingly.

Fox

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 12:32 pm

Families show love and solidarity in different ways. That's okay in general, but there has to be room for other familial "love languages," if you will.

It's not effective to get so hung up on your own perceptions that you lose sight of the individual at the center of the simcha. I personally couldn't care less if the ganza mishpacha shows up for every chassunah or bar mitzvah, but staying in close touch via texts or WhatsApp is very important to me.

OP, do what works for you, and find an alternative way of showing your brother that you love him.

Sewsew_mom

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 12:40 pm

amother [ Pansy ] wrote:

Isn't it understood that we are talking about a standard situation? If someone has special needs, or other out of the ordinary circumstances, then all the norms go out the window.

I'm sorry.. There is no such thing as a standard situation. Every person and family in the world is diff. What you call going out of your way I may call standard and vice versa.
If someone is exhausted maybe they have a reason for being exhausted whether u find it valid or not.
I personally was exhausted from chag and asked my company/family not to come. Was that valid? For you maybe not. For my sanity it absolutely was. wasn't a specifically a special situation. I just wasn't up to it and I'm a human. And my needs are accounted for.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 12:43 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Because you sound very judgmental and not very understanding.

Judgmental and not understanding don't come in here. OP started this thread to hear others opinions & I'm sharing mine. If she only wants to hear that she shouldn't attend her brothers aufruf, then there's no point in starting the thread. In any case, it seems that OP really isn't interested in going so there's no point in any other opinion by now.
I should know by now that on imamother your judgmental if you have a difference of opinion.....

amother

Thistle

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 12:46 pm

amother [ Pansy ] wrote:

An acquaintance once made a wry comment - that if God forbid something happened to the immediate family member, and a weeklong Shiva commences, the logistics would be worked out. But for simchas, to be happy and celebrate together, the very same logistics are insurmountable.

Not necessarily.

I had a health crises that didn’t allow me to join my sister in law’s Shabbos Sheva Brochos.

I got so much judgement for that. At the same time, no one in their large family made any effort at all to be there for me in my time of crisis. Nothing at all.

Yet all I kept hearing was how family is so important.
No, their perfection of their ideal family image was important.

Family should be there to understand one another, and to understand that while family is family, we still each have our own circumstances and struggles. Expecting others to bend over backwards for us isn’t love, it isn’t family.

Might I suggest that OP’s resistance to make the effort isn’t solely an issue of logistics. But it’s a feeling of deep down not feeling like she really, truly matters to the family as a family member. Had she felt that way, she would’ve phrased her dilemma differently.

amother

Tan

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 3:06 pm

amother [ Pansy ] wrote:

I don’t understand this at all. To me it’s the same thing (albeit one we are mourning snd one we are ostensibly celebrating).

Both are:
1. events I can barely accommodate in my life but do so * to the best of my ability * (and I’M the one deciding my ability, not the baalas hasimchoh or the mourner) on behalf of my loved one;
2. utterly upend my packed life and children’s lives and cause tremendous, enormous stress, but again I do it because my loved one needs it;
3. Are unpleasant and dreaded because of the utter exhaustion snd stress they cause, never mind the difference between celebration/mourning.

The only fundamental difference to me is that
I WILL TRY TO GO THE EXTRA MILE WITH A SHIVA BECAUSE MY LOVED ONE NEEDS ME MORE than during a celebration.

What’s wry about that?

PS this is not to say that I’m not overwhelmed with gratitude to Hashem for giving us simchos (esp instead of shivas!) it’s just the need to party party party that gives me hives.

amother

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 3:26 pm

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

There's no flexibility here at all.
A simcha once in a while doesn't effect kids emotionally. Nothing will happen if they're off schedule for a bit. It's good for them in the long run. Kids that are always scheduled have a harder time with any tiny change and parents are always slaves to the kids and their schedules.

It’s not a simcha once in a while. It’s 3 simchas in the span of a week and a half plus weeknight Sheva brachos.

notshanarishona

Tue, Oct 05 2021, 12:09 am

If I was local I would go. The fact that there is no eruv makes it next to impossible for a mother of young kids to go and that paturs you in my opinion. Leaving kids with neighbors for a whole Shabbos is not always doable and most people don’t have neighbors willing to do that kind of favors .
In short, I would say definitely a minor income I would ignore to make it. If it’s significant then you do what works for your family.