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I am married to a man with mental illness AMA
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 2:40 am
lavenderchimes wrote:
Hey, I just want to say as someone with CPTSD, ADD, and chronic depression, it can get better. It was hard for me to find the right fit in psychiatrist that I felt I could be totally honest with, who would help me find the right meds, and to find the right therapists (there were 3 great ones in a row!) who I really felt comfortable with and had a modality that helped me. I was on and off suicidal for years as I really despaired of improving my mentao health, but now I am med-free and pretty happy most of the timešŸ˜Š
Im very happy that for you things got better. And it it amazing that you are off of any meds (can I ask how you did that? I believe, as did the psychiatrist, that my husband will be on them for many years or life)
For my husband, over the years, I can see that things really are at a status quo now. Not getting any better, for a while already, but thankfully not getting any worse either. He has a wonderful psychologist and a great psychiatrist and has been taking the correct cocktail of pills.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 2:44 am
amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:
Op I can cry, you are describing my dh to the T. A lot of childhood abuse including lots of molestation.
My dh is in therapy for many many years, progress is very slow. Can I ask what medication helps your dh? What bothers me most about my dh is his anger and frustration. Wondering what medication was prescribed for that
I dont think his anger is helped all that much from the medication he is on. Its more so for the depression, but who knows. He is on wellbutrin and serenata.
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lavenderchimes




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 5:17 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Im very happy that for you things got better. And it it amazing that you are off of any meds (can I ask how you did that? I believe, as did the psychiatrist, that my husband will be on them for many years or life)
For my husband, over the years, I can see that things really are at a status quo now. Not getting any better, for a while already, but thankfully not getting any worse either. He has a wonderful psychologist and a great psychiatrist and has been taking the correct cocktail of pills.


It's still amazing to me, when I stop to think about it! For me, the final change was when I got pregnant - sort of by surprise, so I was in a cocktail of meds, including Lithium. I had to quit ASAP, because they weren't baby friendly, but my psychiatrist had lots of contingency plans, lol! B"H, after I had the baby, even though I had PTSD from birth trauma and we got a pandemic 3 weeks later, I weathered it quite well. I was 37, btw, and had been on meds most of the time since I was 12.

Of course, that's just the end of the story- a lot went on in between! And I always know that I might end up back on meds. But I hope not. I hope that I have made enough progress<3

The other thing I will say that was a big turning point, before I was expecting: I remember walking into my therapists office and saying, "I don't want to live like this any more, and I know I don't have to. Let's change it!" Until a person is really ready to make REAL change, it can't happen, you know? But that in itself can be a very hard thing - to see that it is POSSIBLE to change, and decide to make it happen<3
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 6:39 am
Hugs OP. Sounds like your husband and mine are similar on so many levels except mine is in denial that he has these issues.

How would you get someone to wake up and realize whatā€™s going on and be willing to get help? Would therapy for me help?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 8:18 am
amother [ Clematis ] wrote:
Hugs OP. Sounds like your husband and mine are similar on so many levels except mine is in denial that he has these issues.

How would you get someone to wake up and realize whatā€™s going on and be willing to get help? Would therapy for me help?
With my husband we were married maybe half a year to a year when I began realizing things that were not great or far from what I knew as normal. I started asking him if he would try therapy so that he can work on the issues that he seemed to be having. He would refuse. I got pregnant and I kept on asking him. Finally I asked him to go before our first child was born so that his issues could be worked out before this child was born. Little did I know that this would not be a quick therapy thing. That was us married 2 years. We are married almost 18 years and he is still in therapy. I believe he will always be in therapy and on medication. Its the nature of things, for my husband.
I dont think there is any way to wake someone up to their issues unless they can see them themselves. Do you ever talk to your husband about his mental illness and that he needs help?
Ive done therapy on and off. Im seeing that for me, it really depends on the therapist. Some have helped me a lot and others were really bad. Its very personal. Its always worth a try, I think.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 8:23 am
lavenderchimes wrote:
It's still amazing to me, when I stop to think about it! For me, the final change was when I got pregnant - sort of by surprise, so I was in a cocktail of meds, including Lithium. I had to quit ASAP, because they weren't baby friendly, but my psychiatrist had lots of contingency plans, lol! B"H, after I had the baby, even though I had PTSD from birth trauma and we got a pandemic 3 weeks later, I weathered it quite well. I was 37, btw, and had been on meds most of the time since I was 12.

Of course, that's just the end of the story- a lot went on in between! And I always know that I might end up back on meds. But I hope not. I hope that I have made enough progress<3

The other thing I will say that was a big turning point, before I was expecting: I remember walking into my therapists office and saying, "I don't want to live like this any more, and I know I don't have to. Let's change it!" Until a person is really ready to make REAL change, it can't happen, you know? But that in itself can be a very hard thing - to see that it is POSSIBLE to change, and decide to make it happenHeart
Yes, this is very much the opposite of my husband. Change is so hard for him. Almost impossible. He knows what the issues are, but to actually work on things and change, that doesnt really happen. Oh well, thats my lot in life. Very hard.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 8:27 am
amother [ Clematis ] wrote:
Hugs OP. Sounds like your husband and mine are similar on so many levels except mine is in denial that he has these issues.

How would you get someone to wake up and realize whatā€™s going on and be willing to get help? Would therapy for me help?


I find therapy helpful for me. I need support for various things in life, that I don't get from my husband.

In some ways it also helped me get my husband help. My therapist pushed me to have conversations with him, to get him to get help. And sometimes it helped. He went for therapy. He made some strides. But in other areas, not so much. And he stopped therapy. Because he doesn't like some of the things the therapist said. And kept some of the strides he made, but not others.

My therapist would want me to get him to go back to therapy. And yes he needs it. But truth is (after 20+ years of marriage) I'm so tired of constantly being the one to have to take charge of my husband's issues. I'm at a point where I feel like if he wants to have issues, he can have them. I can't take responsibility for his stuff anymore. To some extent I've disengaged. He acts negatively, I ignore. His relationship with the kids is affected - that's his problem. (He's not a terrible father but not great either. He loves them dearly but doesn't know how to relate to them. He's in his own bubble sometimes. And then is sad when they aren't close to him, don't confide in him, don't want to spend time with him, do their own thing.) I can't make him be a great father and make his relationships happen. If he wants things to be better he will have to take his own initiative and make changes. And likely he won't. And doesn't really realize or take responsibility for why things are the way they are.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 8:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
With my husband we were married maybe half a year to a year when I began realizing things that were not great or far from what I knew as normal. I started asking him if he would try therapy so that he can work on the issues that he seemed to be having. He would refuse. I got pregnant and I kept on asking him. Finally I asked him to go before our first child was born so that his issues could be worked out before this child was born. Little did I know that this would not be a quick therapy thing. That was us married 2 years. We are married almost 18 years and he is still in therapy. I believe he will always be in therapy and on medication. Its the nature of things, for my husband.
I dont think there is any way to wake someone up to their issues unless they can see them themselves. Do you ever talk to your husband about his mental illness and that he needs help?
Ive done therapy on and off. Im seeing that for me, it really depends on the therapist. Some have helped me a lot and others were really bad. Its very personal. Its always worth a try, I think.


Thank you. Yes so he is certainly aware that he has issues that would benefit from therapy and possibly meds, but I think that the thought of confronting stuff from his past that is very painful has made him procrastinate this and never fully discuss with a therapist (he did, years ago, but I get the sense they never really ā€œwent thereā€ to the point that would have been helpful). But Iā€™m also not the type of person to forcibly insert myself in anyoneā€™s life, not even his. So at the end of the day to me if heā€™s not going to take any interest or responsibility for his mental health journey then thereā€™s not much I can do.

Thanks for being honest about therapy for yourself. Itā€™s something I think about a lot but havenā€™t done yet. Good to go in with realistic expectations.
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lavenderchimes




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 9:32 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes, this is very much the opposite of my husband. Change is so hard for him. Almost impossible. He knows what the issues are, but to actually work on things and change, that doesnt really happen. Oh well, thats my lot in life. Very hard.


I don't know that it's opposite ... It felt like I wasn't making progress for a long time. A LONG time. Because it's hard to change, and even more, it's hard to see that it's POSSIBLE to change. You really feel like you are trapped. It's very hard to change that perception!
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Roots




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 9:51 am
op you sound like a very strong woman
kol hakavod to you!
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lovingmommy3417




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:37 am
amother [ Clematis ] wrote:
Hugs OP. Sounds like your husband and mine are similar on so many levels except mine is in denial that he has these issues.

How would you get someone to wake up and realize whatā€™s going on and be willing to get help? Would therapy for me help?


For me my husband is in individual therapy, I have off and on been in individual therapy, but what has been best for us is therapy together. It helps facilitate our discussions and we can talk through anything together.
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PSmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 11 2021, 8:30 pm
OP, I just read the whole thread and I literally want to cry. This is my husband EXACTLY. Literally all your answers and situations are exactly like mine.
But he doesn't have the anger part. He has OCD. But he also has everything else like depression, low self esteem...
It's SOOO hard as a wife.
Especially now, he doesn't have a job and I just started grad school so we don't have an income. We're slowly using up our savings.
He also has a sleep disorder so he wakes up super late...
We are married for 3 years and have 2 kids. I keep hoping we will have a better life but he has been to too many therapists and he never puts in enough effort to help himself. I feel like life will never be "normal".
I also keep wondering why I am staying. It's hard. But I also don't want to get divorced because of this. He loves me. His father is also abusive so I'm basically his only friend and the only person he loves (plus the kids).
For now he is a great father because he doesn't want to be like his father, but who knows what he'll be like when they get a little older. He's very black and white so I'm scared he will not be able to tolerate if any of our kids don't do exactly like he does...
May Hashem help us all!
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