Is sleep training ok from trauma & attachment perspective?

keym

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 7:33 pm

amother [ Eggshell ] wrote:

I hear you. One aspect that particularly bothers me about CIO is that many times in parenting over the years you will see that there were really valid reasons for a baby to cry that warranted immediate parental attention. ( Personally, I feel that all baby’s crying warrants immediate parental attention, even if it’s just for some comfort and cuddles!) But even if you don’t have that view point and instead feel that baby is tired and needs to go to sleep, there have been many times that I found a baby was crying for good reason.
1) a baby’s foot is stuck between the crib slats - shocking but actually just happened to my baby
2) The baby who never has a dirty diaper at night and is sitting in one.
3) The baby whose sippy cup leaked and now is all wet.
4) Of course, you have the baby who has an ear infection or other sickness that is just coming down with it at night.
This list is endless, but my point is when a parent engages in CIO they are turning off the natural maternal instinct to see what the problem is and a baby’s cry is their voice for help. There are so many times people do CIO and afterwards they realized there was a legitimate issue.
If one is able to avoid the crying route and stick to gentler sleep training they really doing a works of good for their child.

Then you need to clarify that you are against CIO and not sleep training.
My kids were all horrible sleepers the first 4 months. Neither they not I slept well cosleeping. If they fell asleep nursing, they couldn't transfer. They slept in their car seat, but I tried to limit it.
By 4/5 months old, I started training them. But it was slow and never just cry.
I'd sit next to their crib singing and rubbing them while they kvetched or even cried to sleep. But I was right there singing and comforting.
When they got that, then I moved my chair. Each night, id move my chair closer to the door.
It usually took 4 weeks until they were able to get a good night kiss, a song, a I love you and I'd leave and they'd fall asleep. No crying.

Was it ideal? No.
But I was exhausted, they were exhausted, cosleeping wasn't working, something needed to happen.

HappyMom321

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 7:36 pm

amother [ Eggshell ] wrote:

All good points!
My solutions were to use a video camera on the child (or else I would for sure think something is really wrong every minute) and if the child got sick I stopped the training and restarted once they were better Wink

Something like a dirty diaper or a leaked cup you would notice if you're going in every few minutes.
But I really do hear you! I will definitely research more for next child. I found that teaching good habits from a very young age caused me not even to have to do much training, but it depends on the baby - I don't think that would have worked with my first (not that I knew anything about good habits when she was born..!)

HappyMom321

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 7:38 pm

keym wrote:

I've heard about this method when I was doing my initial research - it's slower, but much gentler for sure!
Many mothers sleep train when they've hit rock bottom, and should feel no guilt about that whatsoever. At that point it's necessary

keym

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 7:41 pm

HappyMom321 wrote:

I actually didn't know it's a real technique. I thought I was making it up. Very Happy

Like I said I regretfully ended up having them sleep in car seats, swings and bouncers at the beginning because that's how they slept. By 4 months it was getting out of hand, and I really needed to get them in a bed so I kind of made up a technique that sat right with.

HappyMom321

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 7:44 pm

keym wrote:

I actually didn't know it's a real technique. I thought I was making it up. Very Happy

Haha it is a technique!! Every night, or every few nights, you move further away. Look at that; you think like a professional Wink

But totally - I think this happens a lot. The mom creates bad habits because honestly what else should she do!! I was like this too... Sometimes people tell me they would never do this or that, and I think "you must have had relatively easy kids in that department." Maybe not true, but no one should judge anyone else's decisions. You do what you have to do

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 7:55 pm

HappyMom321 wrote:

Smart! A video camera really does troubleshoot a lot of the potential issues I raised.
I really agree with you that with starting good healthy habits young you are setting up a baby for sleep success and they will also get more sleep and this is so crucial for development.
And don’t feel badly in regards to your first as that’s the way it is unfortunately. I listened to so many people that I shouldn’t have and also made lots of mistakes with my first! He is a teen and doing great regardless bh! We moms are a work in progress.
This conversation has been so respectful, thank you to all for keeping it so pleasant! I enjoyed hearing the differing view points and ideas:)