If you grew up in a happy, healthy home

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:22 am

I agree that as several posters said, home should be loving, physically affectionate, mom should be present etc. Those things are all great, but only half the story. What's most important, aside from taking care of children's physical needs, imo is being emotionally healthy.

You can have a loving mother who gives hugs and compliments and makes suppers and birthday parties, but is also very critical and that is poison. And it's confusing because the typical loving things are there, so it can take many years for the child to understand what really happened, why they always struggled with low self-esteem or depression. Especially if the criticism is subtle.

Or being loving but also over-sharing on your personal struggles as a mother. That's very confusing and gives a child an unfair burden and makes them feel vulnerable and unsafe.

Or a parent who is emotionally fragile, who interprets a child expressing their emotions as a personal attack, so the child learns to bury their own feelings and never feels they are allowed to express themselves.

Or a parent painting a child into a box. Even if it's a good box, like well-behaved, that can be damaging.

All these things can happen alongside lots of hugs, kisses, warm suppers and I love you's.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:34 am

I grew up in a good home, but a far from perfect home.

My parents were married for 50 years, and I'm sure they had their ups and downs. They were very careful that my sister and I never saw any of it. All I know is that sometimes they would get away for a Couple's Counseling Retreat, and we would have a weekend babysitter. No drama around that.

Both parents paid us attention, and mom especially was very affectionate, always ready for a hug or a kiss on the cheek. Dad was not averse to hugs, but he was a bit less "hands on". Boundaries and stuff. Dad did teach me how to fix the timing belt on my mom's Toyota, so that was awesome.

We were very lower middle class, but I never knew it. We were always on a tight budget, lived frugally, and ate home cooked meals that could stretch a pound of hamburger for days. I had no idea. Dad was always in debt from business deals with scammers, and I never knew. All of this came out well after I was an adult.

My parents were somewhat affectionate in front of us. A quick hug or peck on the cheek, a quick "Love you!" on the way out the door. Nothing TMI ever went on. I never saw my mom or my dad in their pajamas. I didn't think anything of it. Mom would wear a nice house coat, and dad was always fully dressed. I think if the house were on fire, he'd put on his trousers before he'd come out of the bedroom!

There were bad times. I was a difficult teen, and mom and I would fight a lot. We were both undiagnosed Bipolar at the time, and that caused a lot of fireworks. I'd "run away" more than once. We were both miserable. B'H, we had a chance to apologize to each other before she passed away. Therapy and medication is what made that reunion a healthy situation for both of us.

Dad is happily remarried to a wonderful woman who loves the socks off of him, and I am thrilled for him. He's the best man I've ever known, and if anyone deserves to be happy he does.

amother

DarkMagenta

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:25 am

amother [ Starflower ] wrote:

Is the purpose of this question to learn to be better parents or just to compare childhoods? Each of us was given our own set up circumstances, for better or for worse.Each of us is commanded to honor and respect our parents ( except maybe in extreme cases) . We are also told not to be jealous about what others had. Comparing parents ( spouses, children, sisters, brothers, etc) will not lead to anything positive for those who might have resentment and for those who were happy, it may be a chance to count one's blessings but each person's circumstances was given to us by Hashem for reasons beyond our understanding. If the thrust of the question is how to be a better parent, then ask that. If it is how to get rid of resentment and deal with the challenges that Hashem has given one, then ask that. But to ask how others' experiences will does not change the past and may lead to negative emotions for some.
Sorry, but this question seems in poor taste.

I disagree. I asked this question a lot. I grew up with a bipolar mother who didnt take her medication all the time, so our house was part-time loving and functional and the other times dysfunctional and abusive. It was never safe, I never knew what mood I will come home to.
With that being said, as a mother, I know exactly what not to do. But not always do I know what the right thing is to do.

I learnt a lot from this thread. It makes me really happy to see women talking about their happy childhood, that it exists and it's possible! I'm not interested in chewing over my abusive past or hearing about your neglectful childhood. But please, Imas, share more about how a loving, safe, healthy home looks like!

amother

Daylily

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:41 am

Like many posters I grew up with a mix.
Happy parents who love each other. They would argue, but not get into major fights in front of us.
Mom was a SAHM and there was always hot yummy dinner waiting for us after school.
Plenty of $ which certainly helps.
Always had bedtime rituals, shema, kisses and hugs before bedtime. Great memories of mom waking us up for school with a cute chant.
Dad took us to shul from the time we were little. We were inspired to behave just to have the opportunity to go with him. I clearly remember being under his tallis for birchat cohanim.
On the other hand, there was yelling when we didn't behave.
Some spanking.
Lots of expressions of love, but once we got to college we were expected to mostly fend for ourselves in a different state.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:08 pm

my parents were laways happy together- I rarely heard them argue (my dad came home very late after work so that might be why - but still it worked.

my parents went and still go on long walks a few times a week just them two and on shabbos afternoon whoever wants can join

my dad always said thank you to my mom on the shabbos and yomtov table for all her hard work and she always thanked him for the shopping or his help with the dishes or whatver

my house was just a safe place to be