What would you do?

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 4:34 pm

My nursery girl comes off her bus with a neighbor's child who is a few years older than her. My daughter idolizes her. She sits with her on the bus, shows off to her, and loves to spend time with her. Every day my daughter begs to have her over to play after school.
Here's some background: the girl is from a home where the parents are never ever home, the kids are "raised" by a non-Jewish nanny. The girl is severely attention deprived and has social issues. I have overheard her manipulating my daughter while playing, and she will ask me for snacks, drinks etc while I'm trying to feed my baby. I am aware that it would be a chesed to give her some attention but there are two problems: 1. She is too old to be playing with a nursery girl, hence the manipulation. She is not a good influence on my daughter. My daughter has told me that the two of them sit together in the back seat every day and stand on the seats even when they are asked to sit down. I even once saw the kid pushing my daughter while exiting the bus because she wasn't moving fast enough. 2. I am not at a stage of my life right now where I can be taking on an extra kid (whose parents are not around and not even aware that she spends so much time at my house).
Bottom line is, this is not a desirable friendship and I need to figure out what to do next without giving my daughter a bad message.

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 4:46 pm

amother [ Steel ] wrote:

You don't need to have the child over at your house.

How would you advise I go about setting this boundary? I know I can tell the girl that it's not a good day to play but my daughter will be devastated if I keep saying it day after day.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:43 pm

Make other playdates and help her form strong relationships with kids her own age. When she says can we have chaya over you say let's call devora and see if she's home. Redirect to other kids, eventually it will hopefully wear off.

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:47 pm

amother [ Yolk ] wrote:

Just wondering why your nursery school daughter finishes school the same time as a girl a few years older than her?
You definitely need to separate them but do it wisely and slowly but not too slowly..

That's just how the school does it...

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:48 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

This is good. Thanks!

amother

Sage

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 12:15 am

Speak to whoever is in charge on the bus and say you’d rather your daughter sit with someone from her own class. And then don’t have her over for play dates and explain to your daughter that girl is older and it’s more appropriate to play with children her own age.

amother

Rainbow

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 12:24 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How would you advise I go about setting this boundary? I know I can tell the girl that it's not a good day to play but my daughter will be devastated if I keep saying it day after day.

You can't be ambivalent. Give one firm no and that's it. "Our family has play dates with other 4 year olds". "Our house won't have a play date with chaya".
"I know you rlly want to play with her, she is still not coming to our house."
Don't say "not today" or it will never end.