Turning down income

amother

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 12:35 pm

Argh I feel so overwhelmed. I do photography on the side in addition to my full time job. We really need the money and I daven to Hashem to bring in parnassah. In addition to working full time I am also about to start a Masters degree. I have been BH getting so many inquiries and should be grateful but I feel a sense of dread. I literally can't balance all the directions I am being pulled in. My stomach just hurts thinking about it. In addition to taking the pictures I spend at least 2 hours editing. I feel like Hashem is sending me money so how could I say no? I don't know what I am even looking for here but my house is a disaster, the kids are on screens while I try to clean, they eat garbage, and I feel pulled too thin. If you will ask where does my husband fit in to all this. He doesn't get home until 6:30 and then learns at night around 8/9. This nightly learning thing is new and I don't have the heart to discourage it.

amother

Lightgray

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 12:48 pm

If your house is a disaster and your kids are on screens and eating garbage, and you feel this way, you are doing too much hishtadlus.

Can you put the masters on hold and focus only on your full and part time jobs? If not, don't say yes to jobs you can't do. Hashem has other ways of sending you parnassa and you don't need to neglect your kids for it.

amother

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 1:14 pm

amother [ Lightgray ] wrote:

The Masters I am just starting next week and that is directly related to Parnassah. I can't get a raise at my day job without it. Sad

I am pretty sure my kids would eat garbage regardless and maybe even screen time but yes I think I am doing my hishtadlus but as a naturally lazy person maybe I can just "push myself a little more." It makes me resentful of my husband even though he is relatively supportive. He doesn't get on me about the mess always but he gets annoyed. He helps but again limited time. He really doesn't love when I leave to photograph but then I feel he also doesn't feel the stress of needing more money and if he could motivate himself to bring in more money then maybe I could take it easier? Sorry I am just rambling now.

amother

Pear

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 1:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know how you feel.
I do freelance writing and editing (on top of a full time job) and used to feel obligated to accept every offer because we need the parnassa, regardless of how it impacted my life or mental health. I now realize that the money isn’t worth it if it means I don’t sleep at night or my kids don’t get the attention they need. I still do writing jobs but I’m a lot more selective in what I do. And BH my income from my main job has improved so I have less need for these side jobs.

First Lady

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 2:05 pm

You're doing the impossible.
It is impossible to be a Mommy, take care of the house, work full time, add on part time work, and start a masters program. I can't see how you can even call yourself lazy. You're on overdrive. If you need more income, that's on your husband, let him figure it out. Let him figure out how to cover the bills.
There's hishtadlus and letting go, allowing Hashem to do the rest. This hishtadlus usually feels satisfying and within normal range. Then there's hishtadlus that is overkill, you feel your heart racing, you feel resentful, angry, like you're exploding and drowning. That is not Hishtadlus with Hashem in the picture. Your Hishtadlus should feel sensible, within human ability, like you're on top of things and doing the right thing, and thus allowing Hashem in to send his blessings.
What you're describing above is definitely not that.

amother

Pear

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 2:43 pm

First Lady wrote:

Very well said!

👍🏿

(Deserved more than just a like.)