Betrayal to first when having a second.

tryinghard

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 2:53 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Being the older one of 2 girls a year apart I recommend you wait another year or so.

Siblings are great, but they don't need to overlap each other in the development stage.

There is way too much comparing, especially when they end up being the same gender, when they are so close in age.

This - it's not necessarily the baby stage that's the issue. I have children who are two years apart and are incredibly competitive. And when the younger child is stronger than the older child in a given area it can create some very uncomfortable situations. I would imagine that an even smaller gap would heighten the likelihood of something like this.

realsilver

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 2:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm at crossroads in my life now. I LOVED my birth and am really looking forward to having another baby. I love being pregnant, as it relieves my autoimmune issues and love the repurposed belly. My first baby is 8 months old and I'm just so torn because of what having another baby can do to her.
I've seen two threads here recently talking about the oldest feeling betrayed and distancing themselves from mom because of the new baby. It doesn't seem like age is a factor but I know a woman who has Irish twins and she absolutely thinks her firstborn was traumatized for life. I want another baby but don't.

Can anyone give me tips and/or advice on how to prepare my baby for a sibling and if spacing really makes a difference?

(To be clear this post is just about davening for another child, because atm I'm not on BC, but I kind of push off mikvah by not taking the protocol to get clean sooner and as my periods are close I probably miss ovulation each month. I am considering going on BC if age is really a factor. So torn.)

Do u mind if I change the topic a bit? What kind of autoimmune issues go away while pregnant? I think I have that but didn’t realize that its a thing.

ora_43

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 3:00 pm

For every spacing you're going to hear good stories and bad What

I know people with same-gender sibling 11 months younger who get along beautifully, and some who don't.

I know siblings with a 10- or even 15-year age gap who barely relate to each other as siblings, and then siblings with the same age gap who are super close.

Sometimes 3 years is a perfect age gap, sometimes it's small enough that the kids are in competition but big enough that they have nothing in common. Etc.

So so much depends on the personalities of the kids, the specific circumstances, etc. Overall kids who are closer in age are going to have more in common and are likely to play together as kids, but there are no guarantees.

Don't overthink it. Have a baby when you're ready, prepare your kid as well as you can, don't panic if they get jealous. It's common for a toddler to be upset when a new sibling comes home, but that doesn't mean they're going to be traumatized for life. It doesn't even mean they're going to experience the sibling as a bad thing. They're just too little to understand that this little screaming thing that just poops and eats and takes mom and dad's attention is going to be a lot of fun someday. Give it time, give them both love, everything will be fine be"H.

amother

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 3:15 pm

realsilver wrote:

Do u mind if I change the topic a bit? What kind of autoimmune issues go away while pregnant? I think I have that but didn’t realize that its a thing.

I let. Your immune system is weaker while pregnant (this is to prevent the body from attacking the fetus) so your hyperactive immune system calms down a bit. I know someone that had a terrible autoimmune condition and felt her best pregnant. That is not because she had easy pregnancies, but because her normal was worse.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Oct 17 2021, 9:46 pm

During the baby and toddler stage, I think that the closer in age the better, EXCEPT that the baby has to be old enough that you'll really be able to take care of another. Depending on mother, baby, and support available, that can be any amount.
But really, I think that how big brother or sister reacts is more dependent on their personality, how difficult the baby is, etc.
I think these are some of the best ways to promote a positive feeling.
1. Give age appropriate info before baby is born. That mommy will go away for a few days and call on the phone, then come home with a tiny baby.
2. Give opportunity to help with the baby, but don't force. Or give baby supplies to big siblings to use for a doll or teddy.
3. Somehow find the time to give special attention to big sibling. Find ways that having baby sibling is exciting. Buying a present, getting treats at bris/kiddush. (I personally don't like giving a present "from" the baby because it doesn't sound honest, but I'd get presents in honor of the baby)

amother

Darkblue

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My first baby is 8 months old and I'm just so torn because of what having another baby can do to her.
I've seen two threads here recently talking about the oldest feeling betrayed and distancing themselves from mom because of the new baby.

At one stage, my baby followed me around to the point I couldn't get much done when she was around. I started asking her older sister play with her so I could do housework, and I felt sad that I was giving up part of "my bond" with her. Like, she wanted me but I was giving her the sister.

I mentioned this concern to a friend, who wisely told me, "You're not taking away anything from her, you're giving her the gift of a close sisterly relationship."

Well, that proved to be true! Years later, the two of them are still incredibly close, which is a lifelong gift. I never had any sisters, and I long for that kind of relationship in life that I never had.

So in your case I would say you are giving your current baby a gift of a sibling close enough in age to be friends.

PeanutMama

Wed, Oct 20 2021, 8:29 pm

Oy vai. I’m so sorry my post scared you off of having a second baby. Please know it’s not everyone! My 2 year old was used to being the only baby. He was with me from day 1. I hardly sent him out.
But after they met he was quite obsessed over the baby. He would not stop looking at her! But then playgroup came along — And he stopped talking.
He BH started to speak much more now and he insists on giving my little one who’s 8 weeks tomorrow the pacifier or he’ll get upset at me by taking it out of her mouth wait for her to scream again then put it back in.

Since my post I’ve been giving my older one lots and lots and LOTS of attention and BH it made so much of a difference. He’s still quite wary about the baby (has been pulling at her feet and pinching her when she’s quiet and sleeping) but all my neighbors and friends I’ve spoken to said it was normal.

But then again I did go to a mommy and baby place and he started playgroup after that so my boy has been through SO much. It’s like one slap after another without knowing what you did wrong.

Now my son BH snuggles up to me when the baby is sleeping in her crib and he’s smiling more and more every day.

Give the older kid LOTS of hugs and kisses after baby is born!! So he or she doesn’t feel replaced. I followed the advice of the imas who helped me on that post down to the T. That was one of them.

Today I ran into a neighbor while walking home with the 2 kids in the stroller. We schmoozed around a little then the neighbor told me a story she heard from a rebetzin.
The rebetzin said

“Imagine you cleaned the whole house, and made a nice fancy delicious dinner before the husband came home. Your husband comes home, sees all you did, and says ‘Wow! This is so good! Thank you! I should get another wife so it will always be good!’ How would you feel? That’s exactly how a kid feels when a baby is born.”

My mother said I was the same way when my sister was born. We would still fight and give each other a hard time as we got older though. 😬🙈

Good luck OP! I’m sorry my post scared you off 🙈