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professor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 21 2021, 8:39 pm
DS, almost bar mitzvah, tells my mother: I know the haftorah by heart!

My mother gets really excited, and says, "Wow! Really???" She takes out a Chumash and opens it for herself to see. "Let's see, start from Bereishis"

Haftorah = half Torah
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 21 2021, 8:46 pm
I knew someone who used to say "haftarah is no more half a torah than havdala is half a dollar!"
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 03 2021, 3:41 pm
— Yanky dear, I’ve toiveled and now I’m waiting for your naughty suggestions!
— I know, let’s put ketchup on pasta!
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 03 2021, 4:06 pm
sequoia wrote:
— Yanky dear, I’ve toiveled and now I’m waiting for your naughty suggestions!
— I know, let’s put ketchup on pasta!


People really do put ketchup on pasta, I was horrified to learn.
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 03 2021, 4:07 pm
Yankel hears that Chaim won the lottery.

Y: Chaim, what are you going to do with all that money?
C: First, I'll pay off some creditors.
Y: And what about the rest?
C: The rest will just have to wait!
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 03 2021, 4:49 pm
BrisketBoss wrote:
People really do put ketchup on pasta, I was horrified to learn.


Why? That's my kids' favorite.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 03 2021, 4:53 pm
Rutabaga wrote:
Why? That's my kids' favorite.


Yes, I also have loved ones who do this now, but I was very much not raised with such things.
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Thisisnotmyreal




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 03 2021, 5:24 pm
Steak and ketchup is reprehensible
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 03 2021, 6:53 pm
Thisisnotmyreal wrote:
Steak and ketchup is reprehensible


Yep. I saw a kid put ketchup on medium rare steak, Hashem yirachem.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 6:50 am
“I hate you! You ruined my life! I wasted my best years on you!”
“Why are you talking to your diploma?”
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 8:51 am
If I was told to describe myself in one word it would be "not good at following directions."
Quoted (possibly not exactly) from Poison for Breakfast by Lemony Snicket.
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GLUE




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 10:22 am
sequoia wrote:
“I hate you! You ruined my life! I wasted my best years on you!”
“Why are you talking to your diploma?”


I heard a similar one:
A man visit his friend and sees a little girl there, his friendis calling her Diploma. He man says what a weird name Diploma. His friend says Look I send my daughter to collage to get a diploma and this is what she came back with.
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DreamerForever




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 10:32 am
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.
Stay safe. Eat cake.
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BatyaEsther




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 10:40 am
dreamerforever wrote:
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.
Stay safe. Eat cake.

That one is my life motto.
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DreamerForever




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 10:44 am
Its an old one, but it made me laugh so hard yesterday. I'm trying hard to lose weight- but on second thoughts, maybe its more important to stay safe... Silly
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 9:26 am
Chukcha (the indigenous people of northern Russia) and the scientist visiting him go out for a bear hunt. After a few hours they see a bear. Chukcha turns around and starts running towards home. The bear follows in pursuit. The scientist, puzzled, takes out his gun and shoots the bear dead.
“Idiot! Now you drag him home 20 kilometers!”
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Crookshanks




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 9:32 am




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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 10:56 am
sequoia wrote:

“Idiot! Now you drag him home 20 kilometers!”


Two men go camping in the woods. Suddenly they see a bear coming towards them, fast. One starts running. The other yells “Fool! You can’t outrun a bear!”
“I don’t have to. I just have to outrun YOU.”
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DreamerForever




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 10:41 am
Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 10:52 am
dreamerforever wrote:
Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.


Don't know why, but that one made me LOL.
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