If you've raised several teenage boys

amother

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 4:55 pm

Please share some of your wisdom with us.

When my oldest was a toddler, I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. It was SO hard raising him and I felt lost.

Now, raising my toddlers is so easy. I know how to sidestep issues before they come up, how to get them to do something they don't want to do, when to give them cuddles because they're having a hard time, when to give them food or put them to bed, and when to just wait it out while they tantrum.

Now my oldest is 13. I have NO idea what I'm doing again. Help.

He argues about everything. If I keep on trying to answer his questions and explain to him why I'm doing what I'm doing, it goes on for hours and ends with him slamming the door and grumping at me for the rest of the day, making all of our lives miserable. If I answer his question once and then say "I already answered you" over and over again or say "I'm sorry, this is the end of the conversation" the same thing happens. Including if I say "I can talk to you about this for one minute, but then I have to go."

When he gets like this, he's disrespectful, sarcastic, but not in a crazy way. I never know when to ignore and when to point out that he's being disrespectful.

Any help would be SO greatly appreciated.

[ETA: He's usually disrespectful under his breath, and only when he's upset I'm making him do something.

Also, I know to try to make time for one-on-one stuff with him, to encouage him and find his interests...This is more about what to do when he has a teen-tantrum. Or how to avoid at least some of them. Or how to have any conversation about something I want him to do that he doesn't want to do, or something he's done that he should not have done (picking on a younger sib, for example), or something I won't let him do but he really wants to...]

dankbar

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:24 pm

Also respect goes both ways.

He is not your little kid anymore, so you cant order him around. Do this! Do that! Clean up! Wash the dishes!
You could respectfully treat him as an adult, not like his master, saying, " this place is a mess, I really need help with cleaning it up, I would appreciate if you would be able to give me a hand here. I know you are good with this stuff! I know I can rely on you! Do you think you have time to spare, to help me? Or when do you think you will have extra time to help me?

You should also not get upset if the answer is no!

Usually, in such a manner he might cooperate more, but he might answer, Ma, I would love to help you, but I have a big test to study for tommorrow. I might have more time tommorrow, is that ok?

Ok, then tommorrow it is.

Dont nudge, nag or remind him 100 times.

Just say, I am relying on your help tommorrow. So you figure out where you can put it into your schedule. I dont want to nudge but I want to know it will be taken care of.

No problem.

This scenario takes out the fight & makes him feel more empowered like you really trust him. Instead of you commanding & he defying.

amother

Pistachio

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:27 pm

Teenagers struggle for independence while still needing their parents. Finding the right balance is key.

Whenever possible just let him be. Don't micromanage. Let him start figuring out stuff for himself. Offer him his favorite foods. Buy him little gifts he would appreciate.

And I personally find, no matter how macho your teenager appears to be, a daily hug and kiss from daddy and mommy is most important.

dankbar

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:32 pm

You can't anymore control what he eats either, like eat up your plate of food or you cant take cookies.

Anytime a decision comes up, you can guide him and try to seek opportunities where he should decide on own, instead of you telling him what to do, even when he asks you for advice.

Let's say: Ma should I join a sports club or a gym?
Don't jump into to answer. Ok, see which one interests you more, see where you will have your friends for company, I trust you to make the right decision. Whatever you decide is fine with me. I just want you to be happy so think which one works out better for you. Hatzlacha!

gold21

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:45 pm

I think I differ with some other 2021 parents in that I do react to disrespect. And.... I still have a great relationship with my kids. Treat a 13 year old as an adult? They're kids, not adults. So, hey, whatever. I am a very easygoing parent, but I do respond to disrespect. So yeah, I don't buy into the "let him be rude to you & let him get away with everything" vibe. So a poster here is suggesting that you should nicely ask your able-bodied teen for a bit of household help once in a blue moon when you're feeling overwhelmed,and if the teen blows you off with a "No," you should simply say "OK, cool"? Er... No. Just no. Now, the truth is that I barely ask my kids for help. I just don't. I'm not a demanding parent. Like I said, I'm an easygoing parent. But if I needed help and my kid said "No" I would react to that. Because that's my job. As a mom.

This too shall pass, OP. In two years you will IY"H look back at this with a sigh of relief that the worst of the teen years is behind you. This stage doesn't lack so long in the scheme of things.

Last edited by gold21 on Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

dankbar

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:51 pm

gold21 wrote:

I think I differ with some other 2021 parents in that I do react to disrespect. And.... I still have a great relationship with my kids. Treat a 13 year old as an adult? They're kids, not adults. So, hey, whatever. I am a very easygoing parent, but I do respond to disrespect. So yeah, I don't buy into the "let him be rude to you & let him get away with everything" vibe. So you should nicely ask your able-bodied teen for a bit of household help when you're feeling overwhelmed,and if the teen says "No," you should simply say "OK, cool"? Er... No. Just no. Now, the truth is that I barely rely on my kids for help. I just don't. I'm not generally a demanding parent. But if I needed help and my kid said "No" I would react to that. Because that's my job.

This too shall pass, OP. In two years you will IY"H look back at this with a sigh of relief that the worst of the teen years is behind you. That's my two cents, anyway. 13-14 is the worst of it.

Because when you ask in a question form "can you help me?" It is open ended. You have to expect a yes or a no. If you order, help me, you are inviting a counteractive response from a defiant child or teenagers who wants independence.

gold21

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:53 pm

dankbar wrote:

Independence is not relying on me for food, clothes, money, shelter, etc.

At 13, they are dependants.

I don't order my teens around, but if I asked for help (which I do very infrequently) I would expect an answer in the affirmative. If I got a "No" I would react to that.

dankbar

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:54 pm

Disrespectful talk should not be tolerated though. If they start with nasty talk back, then you should say, I am your parent & you can't talk that way. When you will speak in a respectful manner, I can listen to what you have to say. Sometimes they even have to go their room to calm down first, but not as a punishment just say, when you are calm, you can come join us.

gold21

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:57 pm

dankbar wrote:

Agree with this 💯 percent
I would suggest the same thing

dankbar

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:01 pm

gold21 wrote:

Independent I dont mean fend for yourself.

If a child always said no, when you told them to help you, would you keep fighting or find another way.
If you really need the help, you can say I need, expect the help, when do you think you can do it or what can you help me w
ith

dankbar

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:13 pm

Another way is make a list of chores on a sheet, you want done. Hand it to your teenager. Then you tell him by end of day or week, I would like it done. Dont remind him hundred times or nag. Let him figure out his own schedule. ( like in a bein hazmanim day where he is off all day) That way he can figure out when he is setting a time for learning, for down time or for chores.

Sometimes kids dont want to finish one chore because then they will be loaded up with the next chore, so knowing in advance what is expected helps.
After you hand him the list, dont look over his shoulder if he is playing first before doing the chore, as long as everything gets done till the end of the day.

tp3

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:52 pm

You really have to know your child and what works for them. What they relate to. What are their struggles
Each one is different.
Sometimes you want to let things slide and sometimes you really don't.
There is no one size fits all for every situation.
It helps a lot when they have exciting things to look forward to, especially if it's food or a trip.
I think the 12-13 age they are feeling very insecure because of the changes in their bodies and their behaviors get kind of immature in the extreme. If you show them love and acceptance and are generous with them, they calm down and get through it faster. The more you struggle with them the longer they will struggle.
Try not to get stuck on details and keep forging ahead. Lots and lots of positive attention.
I haven't raised several teenage boys but I have a bunch of them.