Male boss offers me a ride home

amother

Catmint

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 8:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There I said it, is it appropriate ? I declined by the way.

To answer this question in its simple context, yes, it's appropriate. If you don't drive, I'm assuming you take male taxi drivers all the time.

If there's anything other going on, you obviously take that into consideration.

amother

Ginger

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 8:43 am

What's the issue? Happened many times to me with multiple male co workers that happened to be leaving same time as me. Never thought it's a problem. For reference very Chasidish office in outskirts of Williamsburg. Where nobody calls each other by first name lol....

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 8:58 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I feel kind of attracted to him on an emotional level. We get along very well. How do I keep boundaries. I must interact with him a few times a day.

Its just a car ride. What do you think is going to happen in a car ride home? You are married. Is he?
Ive never had a boss that lives near me, but if I did, I wouldnt see the issue. I think you are making an issue where there is literally none.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 10:17 am

When I was in Ulpan in Nahariya, we got tons of rain up there. My Ulpan teacher would offer me a ride as far as his house, and would park up the block from where he actually lived.

He never drove me to my door, and never parked where I could see which building number he was in. He wouldn't even pull forward on the street until I was all the way around the corner (I looked back once, and he was waiting for me to be out of sight.)

We didn't chitchat in the car, either. It wasn't stony silence, it was just that we'd both had a really intense time in the classroom, and we wanted to relax and chill out, each in our own thoughts.

He was friendly, but only in the most professional way. Bottom line, he loves his job, and wanted to keep it. With Ulpan teachers, if you set one toenail out of line, that's it, you're fired.

There are other men that I wouldn't set foot near, never mind in their car. If you don't trust yourself to know the difference, they you probably shouldn't be accepting rides.

amother

Razzmatazz

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 11:31 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I think OP is right to be careful, especially since she says she is attracted to him. (a different problem)
Using a male taxi driver, or getting a ride from a man you have no shaychis with on a daily basis, is VERY different than getting a ride from someone you interact with all the time. If a one time thing, that may be ok, but one time things can become more often so easily... it creates a new connection between you. Conversations are more casual in a car, even if in the backseat...

Think of being in an elevator with a random man and with a favourite uncle. (not saying you cant talk to an uncle!) But you see how the interaction would be so different.

Perhaps if major crazy weather so once or twice a year - almost an emergency situation type - ok. Can say "thanks so much, really appreciate it, sorry but I need to catch up on some things before I get home" and get busy with your phone. Minimize conversation.

Interesting how there are so many male/female work threads right now.

amother

Lemonlime

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 11:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I feel kind of attracted to him on an emotional level. We get along very well. How do I keep boundaries. I must interact with him a few times a day.

Declining the ride is one example of setting boundaries. Good job!

amother

Heather

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:54 pm

All these boundary threads
The name thread
The oh he smiled , that’s inappropriate thread
Bh, I’m only exposed to this on this forum
I’d probably have a nervous breakdown if I had to deal with this every day

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:14 am

amother [ Razzmatazz ] wrote:

I must live on a different planet. I just dont agree with any of what you said.
Again, what can be inappropriate in a moving car, with a man, that is also most probably married, and has no idea of this woman's feelings? Do you think she is going to jump him? Sometimes a ride is literally JUST a ride.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:14 am

amother [ Heather ] wrote:

100% agree.

LovesHashem

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:31 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I think it's just a ride, but the Torah says we cannot trust ourselves until our death day.

If she has a crush on him, regardless if something happens or not, I just don't think anything good will come out of spending 15 minutes to an hour alone in the car shmoozing.

Thankfully I've never been interested in any other men besides DH, and I would 100% take the ride, and I do take rides from male coworkers.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:34 am

LovesHashem wrote:

Again, I dont agree, but Ive been saying that the entire thread, that I think the OP is blowing things way out of proportion and I dont think this has anything to do with the torah and not trusting one's self.

amother

Phlox

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:29 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Ever read Madame Bovary?

But yes, if there's no underlying issue, it's just a ride.

Ridethewaves

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 5:54 am

amother [ Razzmatazz ] wrote:

Just btw there can be issues of Yichud in an elevator- Smile

feel free to ask your lor im unavailable for further halachik or hashgafik discussion Hiding

WhatFor

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 5:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I feel kind of attracted to him on an emotional level. We get along very well. How do I keep boundaries. I must interact with him a few times a day.

This should have been the op, it's a different issue entirely. And in this context, I'm thinking what you were really asking in your op was you wanted to know whether we thought that your boss offering you a ride is an indication that he shares your feelings.

The answer is generally no unless you see that his doing so is favoring you over other people. Are there others who could use a ride who live near him who don't get offers? Otherwise this is normal decent behavior.

What kind of boundaries are you having difficulty keeping? If you don't want to accept a ride, just say no thank you.

amother

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 6:04 am

Thank you WhatFor you kind of got my train of thought, I don't want to go into too many details because I might be recognized on this forum.
I want advice about how to be friendly while keeping a distance with a male boss that I need to interact with multiple times a day.

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Mainly by keeping conversation work related. Okay occasionally to talk about your family etc briefly but not deeper than that if that makes sense ?