PSA: Dont ever miss a childs performance for anything!

amother

Razzmatazz

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 7:03 am

amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:

Trauma doesn't develop because a child felt sad or disappointed or let down. Trauma develops when they had to navigate those feelings alone. It's ok that our children will inevitably encounter sadness or frustration, to prevent it from becoming lasting trauma, our job is to be with them in those feelings and help them through it.

This

My mom missed a big performance of mine. What hurt most was the fact that she didn’t care. Had she expressed how much she wanted to be there, expressed interest in how it went, asked how it felt for me, asked to see pictures, spoke about feedback that she heard

It wouldn’t have hurt like it did

amother

Yolk

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 7:18 am

My dh is still traumatized about his bar mitzvah. His parents canceled it after it was already planned. They blamed finances, but they didn't cancel their summer vacation. All he has was an Aliya in shul.

All my boys already had their bar mitzvah and dh still will talk about the hurt every once in a while.

DrMom

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 7:29 am

amother [ Yolk ] wrote:

Deciding to CANCEL and event that YOU are planning for your OWN child is different from being unable, due to extenuating circumstances, to attend a party that the SOMEBODY ELSE scheduled without deference to your schedule.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 7:55 am

When DD was in public school, she had a big choir performance on a Saturday. She would be humiliated if she didn't show up.

I had the flu. It was freezing cold outside. It was pouring rain. I couldn't use an umbrella. The school is at the top of a very steep hill.

We walked the 10 blocks to her school. She had her performance, and we walked back.

She's never forgotten that, and she does not take it for granted that it was so hard for me. She knows that I went above and beyond to give her as normal a life as I could, considering that her school wanted to make everything on Saturdays. (In nice weather I had no problem going to school events with her after we went to shul.)

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 8:04 am

amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:

There are not enough "LIKES" for this post.

You've expressed something I've been thinking about lately, but couldn't quite articulate. Your post gave me a lot of clarity, and a lot to ponder.

I think this applies at any age, whether it's friends, family, or even an acquaintance who could use a bit of kindness and sympathy.

Being able to get help navigating feelings is one of the wonderful aspects of Imamother. Smile

amother

Whitewash

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:31 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

If we've learned one thing from covid, I hope that it's that it's not a good idea to go to public events when you have a highly contagious illness.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 10:40 am

amother [ Whitewash ] wrote:

If we've learned one thing from covid, I hope that it's that it's not a good idea to go to public events when you have a highly contagious illness.

I stood way in the back and didn't breathe on anyone.

Believe me, I would have much rather been in bed, sipping hot tea.

amother

Papayawhip

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 10:43 am

I agree the OP is overreacting and so is her husband HOWEVER suggesting a woman tell her husband he needs therapy or even putting that idea directly in her head is not good for shalom bayis.

Just state your opinion as "I think it's ok to miss events unless the child is very sensitive" rather than "your husband is crazy."

Just wanted to point that out, and Op attacked me first on page 1.

amother

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 10:47 am

amother [ Camellia ] wrote:

Yeah, the DH’s brothers were there so obviously the family cared.

There’s a lot of overemphasis here about mothers needing to literally go to a performance while they’re still bleeding from an operation or hobbling after a birth. I mean, kudos to all of you but this is crazy.

It’s nice we treat our children like they’re important but NO they don’t always come first. Sometimes other things take priority. I think it’s also an important life lesson.

I honestly don’t remember any of my graduations or performances and whether my mom was there.

The first thing I did from when I was 3 years up to 12th grade was scan the crowd to find my mother and I mostly watched their faces the entire time. Once when I couldnt find her and thought she didnt show I got very very sad I found her at the end of the play

DH is very sad that he asked one of his married sisters to come she said maybe and then she didnt show. He was scanning the crowd if theres anyone from the ladies side for him and there was none. so that made him very sad. Theres no video either.

Zehava

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 10:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Poor kid
This is why I make every effort to attend my little siblings performances.

OBnursemom

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 11:02 am

amother [ Yolk ] wrote:

That is a genuinely scarring event. I struggled with affording my most recent bar mitzvah, but I would never have dreamed of canceling it.

OBnursemom

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 11:05 am

Listen, if I was not able to go to one of my child’s performances (as happened last year), I would make sure to tell them in advance along with the reason. I would make sure to have asked in advance if another one of my kids could watch instead of me, and either have sent a camera with that kid or asked another mother to take pictures for me. I would have probably sent them to school with a treat and made sure to look at the pictures/have them perform for me at home. It’s not all or nothing.

amother

Quince

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:57 pm

I think showing interest is even more important than attending. I remember when I was practicing for my fourth grade play my father would sit with me every night coaching me on my acting. I have such warm memories of practicing for play with him. My mother came to the play and actually videoed the entire play. If you can't make it to the actual performance there are still other ways to show you care.

I don't think my mother came to every performance I had in school but she did come to most. It was no big deal if she didn't come. It was nice when she came but not earth-shattering. I did want her to come to my eleventh-grade play since I had an acting role then too and I was relieved when she made it. She gave birth a week later.

amother

Gray

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 8:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Op, enough. Almost every person here is telling you to lay of your in laws. Again you sound like you’re gloating that your parents always showed up but his didnt.
Seriously grow up. There were probably really good reasons that they had to fly overseas and spend thousands of dollars on tickets. I’m sure they did their best, go be a dil with hakoras hatov for the people who spent their lives raising your husband amd ask them what happened if you’re all still so traumatized.
Your in laws sent two brothers on the men’s side.
Your still not picking that there was no one on the ladies side also. Are you for real?
There were no videos, seriously. I never missed a performance but almost never took a video. I think my dils should talk about how horrible I am forever

amother

Tan

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:27 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

Actually, there are very mixed responses. That's your personal opinion, not what almost every person is saying.

amother

Buttercup

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:29 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

I really don't think it's helpful to state your opinion this way. Trust me no one is growing up because you posted that they should. If you disagree, stating it in a kinder fashion goes a much longer way.

amother

Gray

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 10:27 pm

amother [ Buttercup ] wrote:

I did before. She keeps bringing up the same thing.
It irks me to no end the amount of mil bashing on this site. The lack of derech eretz for in laws and the holier then though attitude, of some people here is unbelievable. Usually from young people who have never raised their own kids. (Btw I’m not a mil yet)