My 8 year is SO fat!

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 1:09 am

WhatFor wrote:

I audibly gasped when scrolling and saw the title. I suppose to me the word is akin to writing "my child is an idiot" and then reading an op about how a child has difficulty processing things and he comes across as dumb. The op didn't express concern about her daughter's health, just her appearance. Where I come from, the word "fat" is the one used by bullies. Overweight is the clinical term.

And the op may actually be a sweet, awesome mother irl who is just expressing a shallow concern, but we don't know anything about her other than her post, so that's why people react the way they do. That's not to say there's nothing to be concerned about, but the op makes it all about appearance.

So yeah, something was also triggering me there. I see people use the word "trigger" to mock others for having emotions or feelings, but shrug. I'm not ashamed to be "triggered" (I.e. "care") when I see a bullying word be used. Fwiw, my parents never really commented on our weight, and I was a normal weight growing up. I was just raised not to call people that word because it isn't kind.

I hear you about the word fat, I was focusing on her actual post...
yes, I agree there are more sensitive ways to say it...

kalsee

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 1:13 am

andrea levy wrote:

I was that 8 year old girl. If you want to talk about how to try to avoid breaking her for life, I’m happy to talk.

You’re welcome to pm me.

Also, agree about jumpers/dresses.

andrea, what would you recommend? Can you post it here? I know many posters appreciate hearing about your experiences, and as evidenced from this thread there are more than a couple of posters dealing with it.

I've read your story and many of your posts, so I know (to make a long story short) you recommend finding the triggers to eliminate the cravings. But how do we do that to a child without making them uncomfortable and self conscious about their weight?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 5:51 am

kalsee wrote:

aBut how do we do that to a child without making them uncomfortable and self conscious about their weight?

It's not about weight, it's about health. If DD can't keep up with her peers on the playground, gets out of breath easily, and breaks into a sweat at the slightest exertion, that has nothing to do with keeping up with Western beauty norms.

I suggest a FULL and extensive workup for allergies and intolerances. There could be a lot of inflammation going on. Inflammation affects cortisol, and cortisol makes your body hold onto fat.

Another thing, is to get a full MRI done. Excessive weight gain in an otherwise slim and fit family could indicate a problem with the pituitary gland. If a benign brain tumor is making her secrete more hormones that promote fat, then you won't be able to do anything until that is removed. (Happened to a friend of mine.)

OP, your DD knows she's fat. The kids in school probably point it out every day. She wants to wear nice clothes, and she knows they don't fit. It's good that she knows that she has your approval, but don't fool yourself that she thinks she's skinny. She's probably putting up a brave front for you.

Again, this is not about FAT. This is about HEALTH.

I absolutely love this YouTube channel. This holistic doctor explains things so simply and clearly, and shows how in a lot of ways you could be making mistakes that are not OK for your metabolism. It is exactly what Andrea Levy is doing, and it's solid science, not a fad.

https://www.youtube.com/channe.....38F7w

If your filter blocks YouTube, I suggest you get this whitelisted so you can see the videos. It's 100% worth it.

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 11:40 am

I'm a mom of three youngish daughters with very high BMIs, although Im very fit and healthy(we do have some obesity in extended fam genes)...and here's my thoughts.

I was idealistic and sweet and passive about DD weight for years (oldest DD is 16 now and like OP it honestly never dawned on her that shes overweight!!!! She always wears and wore the prettiest dresses around and I accept her and love her for who she is AND NEVER mentioned the words "skinny/fat..."in general even when talking about others.

That being said- My mindset has shifted!!! The social scenes of young girls are very cruel to overweight girls yes yes...as adorable, talented, and confident they may be. This is the painful reality of the world and we have to face it and work with it. Seeing 16 y o DD struggle to be accepted and loved and bringing home the nauseating "size" comments that girls that age hyperfocus on makes me more driven and aware to do ALL I CAN to make sure my girls are making healthier choices, moving around as much as they can and remain as fit as possible...

I was once at a nutritionist/emotional eating parenting speech where she implied that especially due to the society we live in, it is a responsibility of a mom to make sure her child looks becoming and put together to others and her weight is kept as stable as possible. I almost puked but nowadays I get what she was saying them.

Y'all can preach all you want about healthy body image and leaving an overweight lil girl alone but we have to deal with the realities.

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 12:55 pm

amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:

I don’t disagree.
But I want to point out that the struggles faced by your daughters and OPs daughters, are due to OP’s attitude.

Fat shaming, even if only within one’s mind, has created a society where people are judged for their size and shape.

This thread started off about DD’s shape. Not her health.
That’s sad. That’s precisely why your daughters have a painful reality.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 1:04 pm

amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:

As a mother of an overweight teenager, I'm not sure.
She's heavy.
And she knows she looks different and can't wear the same styles as everyone etc.
But policing her food and exercise so she can't have the bowl of macaroni and cheese or pizza in the school lunch like everyone else will actually destroy her.
And I know.
I was the heavy teenager who was put on Weight Watchers and Atkins at 13 years old.
I give my daughter what I wish my mom would have given to me.
"You are beautiful the way you are. We will find you clothing that makes you look stunning. I will pay any money in the world to find that beautiful dress to get the compliments and confidence. We heat healthy food to be healthy. We exercise to be healthy. And we eat a donut or pizza to be normal."

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 1:07 pm

amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:

Society also created the conditions that makes some people become obese. I hate fat shaming, but I also hate obesity apologetics. It deflects from the real issues.
In addition to society working on less shaming and judging of overweight people, can we see society working on healthier food habits so that those predisposed to obesity don’t have to eat a donut or a pizza to feel normal?

amother

DarkKhaki

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 1:55 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

But those are not the conditions that exist. Overprocessed foods are cheap. Healthy food is expensive. People aren't being pressured to eat them to feel normal, they're too poor to afford real food and too burnt out to find an alternative solution. That's what makes it the normal. We can't as a society work on "habits" that are simply not doable for a significant percentage of us.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 2:22 pm

amother [ DarkKhaki ] wrote:

Amother papaya said she teaches her overweight daughter to eat pizza and a donut to be normal. I don’t judge her in any which way, I do the same or similar with my overweight child. And I constantly make decisions against my own best judgment and against what is truly best for my child’s health, for the sake of her being and feeling normal, not being made to feel deprived or different. Wouldn’t it be nice if I wouldn’t have to sacrifice her health on the altar of her being “normal”? This has nothing to do with money or cheap. This has to do with societal attitudes.

amother

Oatmeal

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 2:40 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

I don’t believe any child that was told not to eat the donut or pizza when everyone else was grew up with a healthy relationship with food and maintained a healthy weight.
I don’t believe it will ever work.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 6:57 pm

amother [ Oatmeal ] wrote:

Exactly. But that’s only because everyone else was eating it. Not because there is some kind of essential donut and pizza deficiency going on.
So what I’m saying is, wouldn’t it be nice if just like we trained people not to shame or judge fat people , we also trained everyone to eat better so that those that are affected wouldn’t feel deprived?

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 8:15 pm

Weight in the belly area pre-puberty is very normal. I don't think it indicates any health issue but you can test her if you think it'll get you somewhere.

I was the fat one in my family, the only place I was ever shamed was by my own mother. You sure you want to eat that? Etc. She still does it actually.

I had friends, I didn't have a hard time with shidduchim but I do have a screwed up eating disorder. I binge eat. Every diet I go on is a huge trigger for me and I binge again. I need to be in therapy, I am working on eating plain old normally without feeling deprived. I've lost 50 lbs multiple times in my life and I can't keep it down. And I wonder if I would be in this mess if my mother just let it be.

amother

DarkKhaki

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 8:24 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

This really isn’t about money. You’re missing the point. Not eating a donut doesn’t cost anyone money.

On a societal level, it absolutely is about money. Not eating a donut doesn't cost money, but people do need to eat something. It would be healthier to eat a fresh salad with chia seeds sprinkled on it, for example, but it costs a lot more. People who do have the money do eat healthier when they eat socially.