Need help getting back into davening!

amother

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 8:47 am

I recently acquired some time in the morning to myself. All kids are in school or by the babysitter and I have no excuse not do daven anymore.

It's not working!!! The first day I was all pumped and I davened everything and it was SO hard. So now I'm working backwards and taking parts off but I feel so bad about myself that I have to do that. I should have started small. But now even small is hard. And then when I start working I think the whole time how working isn't even the ikkur if I want parnassah, davening is! Which of course makes me feel great.

Any tips? I used to love davening!

*Before anyone says I don't have a chiyuv. We hold I do so I don't have any excuse!

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:02 am

Wow OP. Thank you for this post. Glad to see others are struggling with same thing. I very recently got back into davening because no more excuse and here is how: I dedicate my shachris to a single friend (meaning I specifically daven for her in shmona esray) and my mincha to a different single friend. They know about this (privately and separately) and so I feel "obligated " to keep my word. So they get the tefillos and I get to put davening back in my schedule. It's a win-win.

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:27 am

OP, you know that expression two steps forward, one step back? It's still one step forward! Don't beat yourself up.

Go back to where you were and add on slowly. Get the sefer Rigshei Lev by Rabbi Nissel to see what your priorities in adding should be. Take your time.

Don't beat yourself up. Yes, davening is the ikar, hishtadlus is necessary but not what yields the results. But you could find something to criticize yourself about any day. You didn't sleep well so you raced through or mumbled. That kind of thing. Just pick yourself up and remember Rabbi Reisman's moshol about the clock repairman. (I've said it a lot, I'll say it again: Everyone had to wait for the traveling timepiece repairman to come to their villages to repair their clocks etc. In order for the clocks to be repairable, you had to wind them up from time to time, even if they were broken. Those who didn't found their timepieces to be irreparable. So we have our rut times, but there is great value in keeping the mechanism wound. Or maybe oiled. Whatever the moshol was. That's the less than perfect davening.)

Start a seder, like a page or two a day, or a few pages on Shabbos, in Rav Schwab on Prayer. It's transformative.

Hatzlacha!

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:29 am

amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:

This is beautiful. I've been trying to remember that when we daven it's in loshon rabim. It occurred to me that really great people with ahavas Yisrael really mean it when they daven, and that they're davening for me too. Imagine if all of us tried. OK, in my own feeble way, but I imagine sending rays of tefilla and concern out all over.

amother

Mintgreen

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 8:51 pm

It's about your routine. In your head, davening is still "optional", so you're trying to feel inspired to daven every single day. That's not going to last you long. Men daven because it's their routine. They get up for minyan, then they start their day.

Set aside 30 minutes to daven what you can. Your phone should not be anywhere within reach during that time. Every year, I make myself a different goal for davening. At first, the goal was to say Brachos, Shema, Shemoneh Esray. Each year, I would add more things. When Covid hit, I was told saying the korban of Ketores was important because it used to ward off the plague in the Torah. Unfortunately, I'm still saying it. Sad

When I got up to how much I should reasonably be saying, and this took me about five-six years, that's when I upped the ante. Now I'm starting to attempt kavanah each and every day for ONE bracha. But this isn't about me, everyone has their own goals, I'm just sharing an example.

Now that I'm rethinking this, maybe 30 minutes should be a goal instead of the lead-off. Try for 15-20 minutes for about three months instead.

You're an athlete. A spiritual athlete. Every day, and athlete sets their routine. They run for 15 minutes. They do weights for 40 reps. Etc. This is your exercise, and it will make you better.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:17 pm

amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:

First of all, good for you. You sound like an amazing and loyal friend. The issue I have with davening for things is that if those things don't happen, I feel let down. We can talk about how no tefilah goes to waste but if I need a yeshua and I daven for it and don't get it, it feels like I davened for nothing.

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:34 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

But can't you say that about all of tefilla? The important thing to remember is that no tefilla goes to waste. It is hard to deal with the disappointment. (There's a great recent shiur by Rabbi Menachem Penner on YUTorah.org a week ago Sunday, something about Avraham: Totty or I don't remember what. He speaks about the disappointments in Avraham's life. Really beautiful.) But the tefilla is being invested somewhere. Going to the other poster, it could be making her friend feel more relaxed and productive. It can be going to her future and imminent choson because ultimately that will enhance her life. Who knows? Aubergine, just keep on going.

Goldie613

Tue, Oct 26 2021, 2:20 am

Some people find that they have more kavannah if they know what they are saying. Have you tried reading the part you are about to say in English first, and then saying it in Hebrew?

(I find it helpful when it comes to saying tehillim)

I also agree with posters who say to take it a bit at a time - say some things or for a certain amount of time, and then build up from there. Or, if you don't want to cut back on where you are up to, keep saying everything you are saying, but try to add on bit by bit to how much of the davening your are focusing on (and not just saying by rote).

Hashem knows you are trying - keep that in mind and don't drive yourself nuts. Growth is hard, but I hope you find it is worth it in the end :-)

amother

Sunflower

Tue, Oct 26 2021, 8:08 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

There is no such thing as wasted tefilla. It goes out to the universe and has effect even if not today for these specific friends. The right soulmate can take time. And it's all on hashems calendar. It's not like I'm davening for a Lamborghinito magically show up in the driveway. it's also about giving chizzuk during the wait.. More importantly, my friends know that someone is consistently davening for them and that alone is uplifting. Everyone in this story is a believer in the power of tefilla, whether it's seen immediately or not.

PinkFridge

Tue, Oct 26 2021, 8:51 am

amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:

This reminds me of a line I read from a comedian whose name I don't remember: Imagine if all our prayers were answered but years later. You wake up one day when you're 40 and find a pony in your backyard.
The good news is, Hashem has a plan and when we get it it will be the appropriate time.

PinkFridge

Tue, Oct 26 2021, 9:00 am

thanks wrote:

Thanking Hashem is also a very important part of davening. Much of what we say praises and thanks Him.
This is what inspires me to daven.

It's arguably the most important part of davening.
On a mercenary level, just like people enjoy giving most to people who appreciate the gifts, so too Hashem really wants us to appreciate the gifts He's given us so far and that's a springboard for Him to give more. (Of course Hashem doesn't have the petty emotional triggers people do but it's a logical thought process - shouldn't resources go to those who will appreciate them the most? And by Hashem, the resources are limitless.)