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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Confronting people who hurt you (s/o forgiving teachers)
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 27 2021, 5:15 pm
This is a spin-off of the teachers you never forgave thread

Some people write that they did confront that teacher after many years and found it helpful.

Personally I’ve thought about confronting the teacher I resent and always decided against it. Either she would just push me down again. Or minimize it. Even if she agreed with me and was sorry… so what? It’s in the past, doesn’t matter anymore.

Is there any point in confronting someone who hurt you long ago if you don’t have an ongoing relationship with them and don’t care to have one? Like, I can understand if it’s a parent or someone else you’re still close to.
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Wed, Oct 27 2021, 5:48 pm
mistake
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amother
Wallflower


 

Post Wed, Oct 27 2021, 6:13 pm
I am a teacher and principal who really tries to do the right thing and can't imagine that I ever hurt a student in the way that she would continue to harbor such strong feelings against me so many years later.

I would hope that if there is a student out there who feels that way, she would communicate with me instead of just walking around hating me.
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Genius




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 27 2021, 6:31 pm
I agree with wallflower. If I hurt someone I’d want to know about it so I can apologize and be more careful in the future.
Asking for an apology can give closure and might even give the other side of the story and possibly make the hurt person understand where the other person was coming from.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 27 2021, 6:38 pm
This is a person who already has a bad opinion of me (at least in my perception).
And it’s taken me a lot of work over the years to convince myself that this persons opinion isn’t the be all and end all.
So, to confront her now…. Is sort of saying her opinion matters to me. Like, I need to hear from her that I have worth after all. Or hear from her how she was right not to consider me worthwhile. Or maybe to hear that I’m crazy and it’s all in my head.
Whichever way… her opinion no longer matters to me. So why would I confront her?
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amother
Denim


 

Post Wed, Oct 27 2021, 11:07 pm
No I dont plan on confronting any of the teachers that hurt me. Not the ones that forced my mother to medicate me, not those that allowed me to get bullied ( and yes I forgive the bully. She was just a kid ) not the teacher who insisted on spelling my name wrong, not extra curricular teacher who let my group have off and not me, not my high school princepal who decided to stop makeing plays, and not the atendance lady who gave me detention whithout my deserving it. If they dont know they did wrong they will find out after 120
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 8:34 am
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
No I dont plan on confronting any of the teachers that hurt me. Not the ones that forced my mother to medicate me, not those that allowed me to get bullied ( and yes I forgive the bully. She was just a kid ) not the teacher who insisted on spelling my name wrong, not extra curricular teacher who let my group have off and not me, not my high school princepal who decided to stop makeing plays, and not the atendance lady who gave me detention whithout my deserving it. If they dont know they did wrong they will find out after 120
if you think I sound like someone who should be on meds let me assure you im now happilly married with a kid and a good job. I try not to think about the ppl who hurt me and I go through most days not even thinking but I still dont forgive and no I dont need therapy.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 9:37 am
I have a teacher who made a horribly cruel comment to me in front of the entire class, in 10th grade. I was a good student, a good girl, but I once asked her a question she didn't know the answer to and since then she didn't like me. The comment was horrible and uncalled for.
For many many years I couldn't understand how she could say something like that. I was very very hurt, but more than that, just shocked. I was able to get past the hurt but not the shock.
I have been going back and forth about confronting her but don't see the point. I've long moved on, I live in a different community, I don't hold a grudge against her anymore. Yes, it would possibly feel better to let her know that her cruel comment followed me for many years, but it's not enough to actually make me wanna go look up her contact info and get into an awkward conversation with her.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 9:43 am
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
No I dont plan on confronting any of the teachers that hurt me. Not the ones that forced my mother to medicate me, not those that allowed me to get bullied ( and yes I forgive the bully. She was just a kid ) not the teacher who insisted on spelling my name wrong, not extra curricular teacher who let my group have off and not me, not my high school princepal who decided to stop makeing plays, and not the atendance lady who gave me detention whithout my deserving it. If they dont know they did wrong they will find out after 120


If you’re holding on to the anger hoping that they’ll get a bigger punishment after 120, then yes, at this point it’s hurting you more than it’s hurting them.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 10:34 am
Holding onto resentment/anger is a terrible way to live life.
It's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

I had a 4th grade teacher that was so despicable to me and my sibling ( name calling slapping, pushing, shoving, rapping on our hands with a wooden ruler, pulling pigtails...) that for years as a teenager and young adult I prayed for her to die.

I haven't thought about her for years and years until my childhood school published an article about what a selfless, loving , nurturing teacher she was and I literally felt all the hatred immediately bubble to the surface.

I was amazed how quickly my forgotten childhood rage resurfaced.

She has been dead for many years and I realized over time that my best revenge is living an amazing life despite the awful names she called me.

Raising a beautiful family and leading a wonderful life is how I l know Hashem takes care of all of us.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 10:57 am
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
Holding onto resentment/anger is a terrible way to live life.
It's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.



Very good analogy!
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amother
Silver


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:04 am
Amother gladiolus here from the other thread. I have thought about (kindly and non-confrontationally, in more of a “Can we talk for 10 minutes one time so I can get closure on our relationship” way than a “I’m angry at you” way) confront the teacher who abandoned me but I’m not sure that the emotional fallout would be worth any closure I might get. And I don’t think I could handle it easily if she refused to hear me and instead blamed everything that went wrong on me and my lack of boundaries from when I was a teenager.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:36 am
I confronted one teacher about 10 years after the fact. She apologized and told me she was going through a difficult divorce the year that she taught me and was a lot more short tempered than she should have been. It helped me forgive.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
If you’re holding on to the anger hoping that they’ll get a bigger punishment after 120, then yes, at this point it’s hurting you more than it’s hurting them.

No because I honestly don't even think about it anymore. They were mean to me and I'm letting hashem do the punishing. No I don't go through life even thinking about it it. I just don't forgive and no I DONT HAVE TO
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:43 pm
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
No because I honestly don't even think about it anymore. They were mean to me and I'm letting hashem do the punishing. No I don't go through life even thinking about it it. I just don't forgive and no I DONT HAVE TO


So you think by not forgiving you are punishing the person? Like by holding it over them they’ll really burn in gehinnom?
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faigie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 1:31 pm
I had a couple of teachers who were really hurtful. Just by chance, I met up with them later in life, and was able to see thru an adults eyes, just what sort of pathetic personalities that they actually were. No need to confront them after that.
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amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 3:23 pm
I have never been hurt by a teacher, boruch Hashem, but have children who have. I think it would be good for them to confront the teacher, if not by phone, then by a letter, even anonymous. By not confronting the teacher, they could be carrying the burden of what happened for the rest of their lives.
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amother
Pansy


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 4:14 pm
I have confronted people, not teachers, other adults who hurt me as a child.
To be honest, they all were without fail "you have to understand" or "I'm sorry but....."
That left me feeling worse. An I'm sorry but apology is not real. It's not taking accountability and it's not making space for my pain.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 4:25 pm
amother [ Pansy ] wrote:
I have confronted people, not teachers, other adults who hurt me as a child.
To be honest, they all were without fail "you have to understand" or "I'm sorry but....."
That left me feeling worse. An I'm sorry but apology is not real. It's not taking accountability and it's not making space for my pain.


This is why I lean towards not confronting.

What’s the point?

I’d rather resolve the hurt within myself, realize that they were young and stupid (and maybe are now old and stupid) and it’s not my job to fix them.

If anyone has a good argument for why confronting is good, I’d be interested in hearing.

As I wrote in OP, assume this is a person you have nothing to do with and don’t care to have a relationship with.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 4:48 pm
amother [ Pansy ] wrote:
I have confronted people, not teachers, other adults who hurt me as a child.
To be honest, they all were without fail "you have to understand" or "I'm sorry but....."
That left me feeling worse. An I'm sorry but apology is not real. It's not taking accountability and it's not making space for my pain.


Yes exactly, this is the main thrust of why I am afraid to possibly bring this up to the teacher who hurt me.
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