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How to tell boss she belittles me?



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 10:09 am
My boss speaks to me in a very condescending and belittling way. This happens when it is work related as well as when we are just chitchatting. For example, just now we were talking about a show with an actress whose name I could not remember a few times (in different conversations) because it is not an actress I care for. She just said to me “I don’t understand why you have such a problem remembering her name”. Like in a really rude tone. And I have a thick skin. She says this kind of thing often. So ok, today I know to stay away from her and that it's not a day she is in the mood for chitchat. Noted. She is unpredictable and I try to follow her lead. But she is moody and changes on a dime. It's impossible to read her. I know the best thing is to just not add my 2 cents and just listen to her because she is the kind of person who just wants to talk and does not care what I have to say.

If it’s work related, I am often scared to ask a question because she is belittling. Or she’ll say, “you aren't listening”. When she gives me instructions for a task, I often write it down because I multi-task at work, which is a main part of my job (lots of moving pieces here), ands she'll say, "you shouldn't need to write this down, it's simple". Like, it annoys her. She has a very low tolerance for things that annoy her. When is it ever ok to speak to your employee like this?

My annual review is coming up and I finally decided to mention it. I do not deserve to be spoken to like this. But how?
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:18 am
If she's actually your boss and not just a colleague I'm not sure it's a good idea to say anything. Best to grit and bear it.
Most people can't change the way they talk.
But on the odd occasion when she says rude things like "Why do you need to write it down? It's simple." you could try some comment like "This is how I work. Better safe than sorry."
Good luck, sounds horrible.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:21 am
Uch that is so frustrating, especially from a boss - because to do a job well, a team member needs to be able to write things down and ask clarification questions. No advice but I empathize, I had a supervisor like that a few years ago and while she has many positive qualities, it felt bad to get negativity, shortness and criticism from her on a regular basis. It helped me to notice when she talked that way to others as well, since that helped me “personalize” it less and reframe it as “her shtick.” Hatzlocha and I’m sure you’re doing a great job at work!
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:24 am
salt wrote:
If she's actually your boss and not just a colleague I'm not sure it's a good idea to say anything. Best to grit and bear it.
Most people can't change the way they talk.
But on the odd occasion when she says rude things like "Why do you need to write it down? It's simple." you could try some comment like "This is how I work. Better safe than sorry."
Good luck, sounds horrible.

She is literally my boss. And it’s not an odd occasional occurrence. She has zero tolerance for anything that annoys her which extends to too many clicks being required for a computer app, etc.
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torquoise




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:24 am
Ugh. I can't imagine surviving in such a toxic work environment. I'm really impressed you've done a year already.
It doesn't sound like mentioning it will change anything. This is her personality.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:25 am
torquoise wrote:
Ugh. I can't imagine surviving in such a toxic work environment. I'm really impressed you've done a year already.
It doesn't sound like mentioning it will change anything. This is her personality.

I’ve been here 6 years!

I guess I need to amp up the self talk and work on ignoring?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:36 am
I wouldn’t be able to last there. I’d lose it
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Lovable




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:40 am
thunderstorm wrote:
I wouldn’t be able to last there. I’d lose it

Same
But at best, why not explain when she makes such a comment? For example, when you write down the task, explain that this help you work better.
When you forget an actresses name, say that you did because you dont really care for her.
Etc
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:41 am
Work is not a marriage. I would look for another job. That situation seems toxic and could slowly eat you away. You deserve better.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:43 am
I think you can mention it an your annual review. If you think she will be positive about your performance, you can then say, once she's praised you, "I'm pleasantly surprised that you've been happy with my work, because lately it's seemed otherwise. You've seem frustrated with me and my process and I'm not sure why" Give her some specific examples.

She will probably come back to you with some garbage like 'oh that's how I talk, don't take it personally,' but at least there's the chance it might make her more aware of the way she's coming off.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:45 am
Toxic! Toxic! Toxic!
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:52 am
Lovable wrote:
Same
But at best, why not explain when she makes such a comment? For example, when you write down the task, explain that this help you work better.
When you forget an actresses name, say that you did because you dont really care for her.
Etc

Yup. I do both of these things. I really think it boils down to this is just her personality. She is very wealthy and I'm thinking maybe she just sees me as the help who is just oh so beneath her. She does not speak to the other people at the office like this who she seems to see as more of a peer. There is another women at the office with a job like mine and she is also spoken down to.

I stay at this job because of the health insurance and the salary. The pay is not amazing but it's decent, but the health insurance plan is what is keeping me here. It is not a Jewish office but the boss is Jewish, not frum, for what its worth.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 11:53 am
groovy1224 wrote:
I think you can mention it an your annual review. If you think she will be positive about your performance, you can then say, once she's praised you, "I'm pleasantly surprised that you've been happy with my work, because lately it's seemed otherwise. You've seem frustrated with me and my process and I'm not sure why" Give her some specific examples.

She will probably come back to you with some garbage like 'oh that's how I talk, don't take it personally,' but at least there's the chance it might make her more aware of the way she's coming off.

This is something I can work with. Thanks.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 12:08 pm
Six years! You're a saint! By now I would have slashed either my throat or hers.
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 12:16 pm
Start looking around for a different job, you can still stay at the current one. You may be pleasantly surprised at what you can negotiate with other places of work. You can then get a raise if you want to stay or LEAVE
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 02 2021, 12:43 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
Start looking around for a different job, you can still stay at the current one. You may be pleasantly surprised at what you can negotiate with other places of work. You can then get a raise if you want to stay or LEAVE

I really need to stay at this job. The health insurance is unbeatable (I've asked and looked). My work pays my family deductible on an HSA card for us as a job perk, and they pay 80% of my insurance and 50% of my dependents. Also, BH I get an annual COL raise. I view this as taking one for the team (my family is my team).

What I need to do is come to terms with it, or find a way to discuss the issue with her; I'd prefer the latter.
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