People asking to be invited- Manners & Pressure

amother

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 9:45 am

We're going through a tough time financially and always had an open shabbos table,meaning we'd usually accommodate anyone who called...

It feels embarrassing to say right now we can't afford it because we're really eating simply- just basic chicken and rice for both meals..

There's almost an assumption that we'd host throughout the year and I find guests don't realize how expensive hosting a nice shabbos meal can be... especially singles

We keep blaming the "no sorry not this week won't work out" on being a hectic time or pregnant etc.

Any suggestions?

amother

Ballota

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 9:56 am

Invite them and serve chicken and rice. Unless you can't even afford that and in that case call your local tomchei shabbos branch.
A lot of ppl when they ask to be invited just need a welcoming place to share their meal they don't necessarily care about what's being served.
Serve the exact same menu you would serve without them, if that's all you can afford!
Alternatively you can ask them to bring something. "We'd love to have you! can please bring a few dips?" "Can you bring a salad?"

amother

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 11:14 am

Thanks yes it seems that the hectic week just pushes it off for a week...
We may have to say we're not hosting for a while and hopefully others will take over -

Yes especially for singles they want to have a place for shabbos meals and we feel really bad we can't offer it right now...

I don't want my husband to start feeling embarrassed about the situation we're hoping to get resolved and working really hard-beH soon 🙏 😔 it's tough financially right now for most people in our field...

We've had to cut back on cleaning help, new clothing etc... our shabbos meals are usually very nice and we love having guests however it would be extremely embarrassing to just have the basics salad chicken and rice ... we still have out full tuition, shul donations obligations and absolutely wouldn't take tzedaka in order to continue hosting nicely...

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 12:29 pm

liveandlove.ima wrote:

Maybe hosting will bring you your personal Yeshua? plus, whatever we tribute for Shabbos expenses we are blessed with double in return.
I would suggest prepare the bare minimal, and Hashem should bless you with lots in return!!

It seems like they’re working on their financial situation and hosting with the bare minimum will cause them embarrassment. I don’t see why they need to push themselves out of their comfort zone and turn a beautiful enjoyable mitzvah into one of embarrassment and uncomfortable feelings.

I like what another poster wrote about letting others know that they’re taking a break hosting for now. Hopefully, soon with time, they’ll be able to host again in a way that they feel comfortable.

There’s no need to put it on them that in order for their finances to improve they need to push themselves out of their comfort zone in that way.

I admire the hachnoses orchim they usually provide.

Elfrida

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 1:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Saying you had a hectic week gives the message that this week isn't good, but says nothing about the longer term. A single looking for a place for Shabbos will likely think that if this week wasn't good, next week or the week after will probably be fine. If you want to stop people calling, you need to give a longer term message. Say you need to take a break for now, and hope to get back to being able to host after Pesach (or whenever). If you you're not hosting for a few months, you'll fall if the radar to a certain extent, and even after Pesach you'll get less phone calls.

Secondly, a lot of singles won't really care a out the menu, and have no problem eating chicken and rice. I got married late, and spent years going out on Shabbos. If I wanted an elaborate Shabbos meal, I could cook it. Most of the time it was more important to me to spend time with a family, and I wasn't too bothered about the menu. If I was, I could always supplement it either before or after. The time and the relationship with the family was much more important than what they served.

If you are embarrassed to serve chicken and rice, then stop having guests. But if you can bring yourself to get beyond that you may find your guests are just as happy with a simple Shabbos meal as they were with an elaborate one, and that they value you and your family far more than the food.

amother

Amber

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 1:30 pm

I must operate in a different universe because if I were ever to ask someone for an invitation and received a polite turn down, I wouldn’t ask again but would wait for the potential host to extend an invitation. If I never received an invitation I would assume that for whatever reason the person couldn’t host me and would accept it and wait to see if circumstances changed. 🤷‍♀️

You certainly don’t owe an apology to someone who is socially tone deaf and pursues an invitation rudely.

FWIW, I totally understand why OP doesn’t want to host casual acquaintances for a family style gathering and those they don’t know well. Those are normal human feelings. It is normal to want to put one’s best foot forward when entertaining infrequent guests. I would serve leftover pizza to good friends because they know me and have seen me in all kinds of situation and have been to nice dinners Very Happy

amother

Brown

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 1:45 pm

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

To some extent I agree with you. But if I had a friend who always had an open house policy and encouraged me to invite myself over, I wouldn't think it socially off or rude to call back the following week. Unless they give an explanation or time period, I'd assume "this isn't a good week" means that the following week or the week after might be ok. A lot depends on who op is getting requests from, and how she has hosted them in the past.

naomi2

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 1:59 pm

It's perfectly fine to say you wont be having guests for the next few months. If it makes you feel better to say yes I think it's totally fine to ask each one to bring something. These people are spending 0 on shobbos so I stead of bringing candy or wine, they can contribute to the meal

Last edited by naomi2 on Sun, Nov 14 2021, 3:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 2:00 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

The friends we have extended those invitations to also know, and are okay with, and we are comfortable with, bare basics for Shabbat. We don't give open invitations to people who we need to impress. Only to people who are like family and who we know aren't going to be insulted if we can't afford a fancy Shabbat at the moment. (In exchange we have told them that even last minute on Friday they can come if they need to.)

amother

Wallflower

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 2:30 pm

Two words: POT LUCK.

If one or two singles come, tell them you'd love to have them! You're having chicken and rice, and they can bring a salad and a kugel! Tell them times are hectic, so this is your new M.O.

People are not going to starve. If they know what's going to be ahead of time, they might just be coming for company and they can always eat at home.

amother

Amber

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 2:39 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

I totally understand.

That was what I was attempting to convey and differentiate between in terms of good friends and family who can essentially invite themselves over and more formal guests.

with close friends and family I am comfortable initiating any kind of social occasion because truly my home is open to them. They have seen my house when it is messy. If they said they couldn’t do something in a particular day I would assume they actually meant it and there wasn’t any kind of social message to be interpreted.

Even if I knew a casual acquaintance had large gatherings in the past, I still wouldn’t call repeatedly if they told me that a certain day wouldn’t work because I would think I should wait and see if they extended an invitation at a later better time. Most socially nuanced adults pick up cues because they know that people aren’t always direct. I mean who is going to feel comfortable saying to a casual acquaintance that we are going through financial hard times and don’t have the money to feed other people. 🤷‍♀️

amother

Obsidian

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 3:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think part of the reason they like coming over is the nicer lots of delicious foods, warm welcoming shabbos meal... we put alot into it every week and really miss not being able to host...

Hopefully can do it soon... we miss it It makes our week so much nicer

Tell them that with Fridays being so short you don't have time to make your regular Shabbos, but if they are ok with a simple meal you would be happy to see them. You might discover that they appreciate the warm welcoming home, regardless of the menu.

tree of life

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 3:27 pm

amother

Marigold

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 3:28 pm

I'm a single mom. I'm always told to "invite myself" to other's homes.

I'm never comfortable with that unless I'm a very very very close friend.

It's for this reason. I don't want any potential host to be put on the spot like this OP. I won't starve and I will have a nice Shabbos iyh at home. Why do I need to stress someone else out?

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Nov 14 2021, 4:46 pm

amother [ Marigold ] wrote:

Yes. And that is why "come over anytime" generic invitations from nice acquaintances are not invitations to me at all. Whereas an invitation for a specific time from an acquaintance is lovely.