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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
OP
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 10:27 am
I’m totally floored and don’t know how to be objective because I grew up in an abusive house and lived in fear.
My husband disciplined my son by slapping him. He was angry and lost control. My son did something awful but nothing deserves physical discipline in my opinion.
He is a wonderful, a generally gentle persona and has spanked once or twice in the last 12 years but this is more intense than that.
I freaked out and told him I’d rather he leave than put his hands on a child. He is very mad at me now.
My question is can a man make a bad choice this one time and it not be indicative of a worsening problem?
Have your husbands lost their temper once or twice?
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torquoise
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 10:33 am
If it only happened once or twice in 12 years, I don't think it's a problem to worry about. Especially if you told dh and he knows you don't tolerate it. If it's happening regularly, you can ask a Rav or therapist for help on how to deal with it.
It may be wrong, but I don't think it's unheard of for a child to get a "patch".
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hodeez
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 10:35 am
It happens. Reflect on the incident and don't let it get that close again.
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amother
Camellia
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 11:44 am
I think you are overreacting OP.
I would also be super mad if my spouse told that to me if/when I have a lapse in judgement once in 12 years.
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amother
Pewter
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 11:45 am
There is literally nothing wrong here. Calm down.
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amother
Peony
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 12:16 pm
Choseich shivto sonei bno.
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mushkamothers
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 1:39 pm
amother [ Peony ] wrote: | Choseich shivto sonei bno. |
Um no. Not in 2021 sorry.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 1:42 pm
torquoise wrote: | If it only happened once or twice in 12 years, I don't think it's a problem to worry about. Especially if you told dh and he knows you don't tolerate it. If it's happening regularly, you can ask a Rav or therapist for help on how to deal with it.
It may be wrong, but I don't think it's unheard of for a child to get a "patch". |
More than a patch. A slap on the face that
Left finger marks hours later
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amother
Pewter
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 1:43 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | More than a patch. A slap on the face that
Left finger marks hours later |
A hard slap is going to leave finger marks an hour later. Your husband lost himself, once or twice or three times. It is ok. Things like this happen. Unless it is going on regularly don't worry. Your child won't even care unless you make an issue of it.
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amother
Tomato
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 1:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | More than a patch. A slap on the face that
Left finger marks hours later |
For me, a slap on the face is a line crossed. It's so humiliating. I'd have a very firm but respectful discussion with DH that it can never happen again.
A slap should never be out of anger and losing the temper.
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amother
Impatiens
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 1:50 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote: | A hard slap is going to leave finger marks an hour later. Your husband lost himself, once or twice or three times. It is ok. Things like this happen. Unless it is going on regularly don't worry. Your child won't even care unless you make an issue of it. |
Ask anyone here who was slapped as a child, how they still feel about it years later.
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Genius
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 1:52 pm
amother [ Impatiens ] wrote: | Ask anyone here who was slapped as a child, how they still feel about it years later. |
Once in 12 years and the child knows they deserved it? Nah.
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kenz
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 2:03 pm
amother [ Impatiens ] wrote: | Ask anyone here who was slapped as a child, how they still feel about it years later. |
I was potched as a child. It doesn’t bother me at all. Times were different then and it’s how my parents were raised. Yes, I worked on myself not to do the same, but I certainly wasn’t damaged for life.
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amother
DarkMagenta
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 2:04 pm
I don't think it's necessarily indicative of an underlying issue of your husband's. However, it is still very upsetting. I think the best way for everyone to heal from this is for you to explain to your husband why it is so scary for you that this happened. And your husband should apologize to your child and say that he lost his temper and it won't happen again. That will fix things with your son, your husband and hopefully yourself. Also try to remember that your husband probably feels horrible about this and that's why he's acting defensive.
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amother
Pewter
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 2:05 pm
amother [ Impatiens ] wrote: | Ask anyone here who was slapped as a child, how they still feel about it years later. |
I was slapped daily as a child sometimes to blood. One slap every few years would have been golden.
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amother
Tomato
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 2:06 pm
kenz wrote: | I was potched as a child. It doesn’t bother me at all. Times were different then and it’s how my parents were raised. Yes, I worked on myself not to do the same, but I certainly wasn’t damaged for life. |
I was very seldom slapped as a child. I still remember the humiliation from the very few times it did happen. I remember still as a child that I vowed to myself that I'll never slap a child.
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amother
Caramel
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 2:10 pm
mushkamothers wrote: | Um no. Not in 2021 sorry. |
Huh?
Do you believe that torah advice expires?
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mushkamothers
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Mon, Nov 15 2021, 2:28 pm
amother [ Caramel ] wrote: | Huh?
Do you believe that torah advice expires? |
I believe we interpret it according to our times. The very definition of an eitz chayim. And so in 2021 we understand the rod to mean discipline not a literal belt buckle.
BTW, do you also nurse your baby to age 2 and then throw him a weaning party?
Anyways to answer OP. Not shalom bayis advice but in terms of your child, discuss the incident with him (or have your husband do so) and apologize.
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