At what point do I let my daughter stay home from school?

amother

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 3:59 am

My eight-year-old is struggling in school. She's excelling academically but she's extremely shy and not speaking at all outside of our family, which makes it impossible for her to make friends. She's innately very social (when she was younger, in another school, she did speak and had many friends, constant playdates, etc.) and I'm pretty sure she's an extrovert in nature, so this is really hard for her. She's not okay with the situation and we're working on it with her and with the school, but it's a process. In the meantime though, her mental health is really suffering. She's just really really sad and wilting. Constantly yearning for her old best friend (they are still in touch, but we moved far away). Cries a lot and says things like "my life is terrible!"

This morning, she told me (her words) that she ran out of courage. She wants to stay home from school to get more courage. At first I encouraged her to go anyway, but I am really not sure. Is it really better for her in the long run for her to keep forcing herself to go?

She has a cell phone and she kept calling me on her way to school and outside of the school building, telling me she wants to get right back on the next bus and come home. When I finally said to tell me where she is and I'll come meet her, though, she said she is going to school... So I guess some part of her DOES want to keep going?

Anyone have any insight here? Should I give her a planned day off? If I do, how can I make it a day where she does indeed "gain courage" instead of just avoiding her problems for one more day?

Or is there something healthy about allowing her to avoid the situation that is so uncomfortable for her? Why not stay home for two days or a week though? --Or maybe I should allow that too?

Thanks in advance for any insight!

amother

Honey

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 4:02 am

If it were me, I'd let her stay home if you sense she really needs to. What she will gain from feeling you understand her is invaluable and will build her confidence tremendously. You can say something like, Let's take a day off so you can get some courage...and then we will head back in to school, ok? Prep her with the plan so she feels supported and ready

amother

Silver

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 4:31 am

It sounds like she can do with some therapy for anxiety.
Please do NOT let her avoid what’s making her uncomfortable and not go to school, I know you think otherwise but not going will only make it harder for her to go to school.
I really think you need help from a professional in dealing with this though.

amother

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 4:41 am

Thanks everyone. We are working with a professional to help her get over the social anxiety, but in the meantime her internal situation is worsening--and I can't get through to the professional we are working with (she is traveling out of the country) so I am hoping to get some insight here.

So far I have always insisted she go, for the reason Another Silver said. But I am starting to wonder.

I think she can probably also use some help for anxiety in general (kid CBT? all this "my life is terrible" seems like classic black and white thinking), but I am not sure how to go about getting that--in any case that won't be soon enough to help me decide this.

shluchamom

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 4:51 am

If you do give her a day off it should definitely be a planned day so it doesn't become a habit whenever she wakes up feeling dread she gets a day off. Can you combine it with something legitimate like does she need a new coat or shoes or a haircut so you can say let's take the day to do xyz and give you a day off for the rest of the day and spend it together doing things to bond and boost her courage.

I would also talk to the teachers directly and ask them to rig social situations with soft sensitive girls in the class. My daughter recently changed class environments and also needed to adjust and it was very overwhelming for her to break the ice on her own initiative but I asked the teacher to rig some situations and create interactions that weren't my daughter initiating and that helped ease some of the social anxiety pressure and BH things are doing better still on a journey but getting there slowly.

Maybe discuss with your daughter what she thinks can help her. Can you buy a new game or activity for her to bring to school that will help her have something to socialize around? Make play dates with some classmates in a structured way I.e. bowling or something so the pressure isn't on your daughter to do all the socializing but she's interacting with a classmate?

Good luck it's so hard when they aren't happy in school and you know they need to go daily.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 6:05 am

I agree she needs help with anxiety ASAP.

From my experience with kids with school avoidance, once you give in and let them stay home the habit sets in and it becomes much, much more difficult to get them back to school. My friend’s daughter has not left her house in 2 YEARS (it started before COVID).

I think you should empathize with her suffering and how hard it is to go to school when you feel there’s nobody to talk to, but she has to keep going until we figure out a plan.

amother

Tan

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 6:27 am

Not exactly the same, but my 8 year old as struggling in school and didn't want to go. I told him he can pick 2 days during the school year and he wants to stay home and it must be approved in advance by both parents. He took one day so far during which he just stayed home and recharged. It seemed to help. The next day he went into school willingly. We are still trying to resolve the school issues, but I won't let him just refuse to go when it gets difficult.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Nov 15 2021, 9:29 am

Although you think she is too big for playmates. You can help her. Call her teacher and ask her which kid would be a nice friendly girl for your daughter then-even if she is shy, with your daughters permission invite that girl to join you on a non school day for pizza or ice cream or bagel store . It Can even be with younger siblings. This makes that child feel like a family friend. This girl may not end up being friends with your daughter. But may start your kid out getting comfortable with her class. There is always that sensitive kid who is nice to everyone and mature around adults

amother

Tue, Nov 16 2021, 1:20 am

Thanks everyone.

Yes, the person who is treating her is an expert in selective mutism and ultimately the idea is for us to have someone get to know our daughter in our home (without her realizing this is planned) so she is comfortable speaking with and in front of that person, and then that person will also "happen to" work in the school pulling out small groups at a time or whatever and acclimating her to speak. However, we are only in the very beginning of this process... The teacher is also working with us. I know I need to do playdates but I don't get home myself till later in the afternoon so while I hope I will find a way to make this happen, I haven't been able to yet.

OneSource

Tue, Nov 16 2021, 3:32 am

So I could have written this post except it's my 13 year old and she isn't selectively mute. Honestly, I do occasionally let her have a mental health day. She can stay home in pj's, veg out and feel better. It's happened at least once this year. Academically, she's top of her new class so letting her have a day isn't going to really impact her schooling. Socially, she's getting better so it's not really Total avoidance but more like she just can't face the day. I get that. I feel that way too sometimes and take a day here and there for myself. I feel like life is hard enough so maybe a little recharge isn't a bad thing. Good luck, OP.