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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
OP
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Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:41 am
Do you set up for them for holidays?
Teen Ds told me in advance that he would not be setting foot in our sukkah, but I set a place for him at every meal. Same with the seder. I am getting ready to set up his Chanukah menorah too and buy enough supplies for it. It's so painful to see the empty, unused settings, but I think it would be worse not to. And I know that if he had any impulse to come and sit for a minute or to light, it would go away if his place wasn't all set ready for him.
I don't know how he feels about it. He asked why I set for him, and I said that he is always welcome and we are ready but it's his choice if he uses it or not and my choice if I set it, and he moved on.
I don't know what other people do.
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amother
Papayawhip
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Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:47 am
Yes. I always set a place for my dd and ask her to join us. Bh lately she started coming to the seudos more often.
If she doesn't come to the seuda, I usually leave her setting on the table until after she shows up, so she should see that she's welcome and wanted. She very often uses her place setting to eat some of the seuda food.
Yes, it's so painful.
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amother
Dill
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Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:56 am
amother [ OP ] wrote: | Do you set up for them for holidays?
Teen Ds told me in advance that he would not be setting foot in our sukkah, but I set a place for him at every meal. Same with the seder. I am getting ready to set up his Chanukah menorah too and buy enough supplies for it. It's so painful to see the empty, unused settings, but I think it would be worse not to. And I know that if he had any impulse to come and sit for a minute or to light, it would go away if his place wasn't all set ready for him.
I don't know how he feels about it. He asked why I set for him, and I said that he is always welcome and we are ready but it's his choice if he uses it or not and my choice if I set it, and he moved on.
I don't know what other people do. |
I think your attitude and mindset is perfect and beautiful. My mother does the same, and recently my 22-year-old brother started joining them for some seudos. This is so hard. Each time you set his setting, whisper a tefilla and it goes right to the kisei hakavod. Even if you say nothing, setting the place setting is a prayer in and of itself. It is also a sign to your beloved son that he is a part of your family and is always welcome when he is ready.
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amother
Stone
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Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:56 am
As a previously OTD teen, I think that’s the perfect way to handle it.
I would just make it clear to your child that its for if they decide to join they are of course welcome, but it’s not to make them feel pressured in any way, you have no expectations and whether or not they take part has absolutely no bearing on how much you love them
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amother
Maroon
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Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:56 am
I have an otd sister that we always set a place for. And eventually she joined. I think if the place is not set there is no chance they will ever join because they won’t want to make a production and have everyone scramble. Deep down he probably feels safe knowing he can always join.
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amother
Papayawhip
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Tue, Nov 23 2021, 12:59 pm
I also try to make specific food that I know she likes. There's a certain kugel she likes a lot but nobody else really enjoys. I make it every few weeks and let her know that I made it because I really want her to join us.
That works for my dd but some kids might feel too pressured. You have to know if your child would appreciate it.
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