Not feeling the chanukah spirit

amother

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 9:52 pm

I feel a bit crushed. I planned a beautiful chanukah for my kids including chanukah parties each night and a surprise vacation for shabbos that they dont know about. Its only the first night and they each are acting so bratty. I should've never spent hours buying and wrapping presents and thinking what they would like since I just have a few complaining kids...I worked for hours today cooking, shopping etc. Only to have all the kids yelling now. I feel super hurt and feel like just returning everything I bought. I still need to work tonight, prepare for an office party I am in charge of tomorrow morning, a shul party I am in charge of tomorrow night, and and extended family party Tuesday night that needs prep... was planning on doing it tonight but have everyone crying....I love making parties but this was a complete flop.
Remind me next hear to just but a cheap present and call it a day or not get one at all....

amother

Geranium

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 9:56 pm

Your not alone. I baked donuts with my kids and they decorated them. The one son decided to make a huge fuss over his menorah and how he doesn't want that one. I bought the kids a cute gift and they opened it and said they dont like it. All this left me feeling so frustrated. I think its easy to think everyone else is having a perfect night, but realistically that's not happening. Personally I am going to try to forgive and forget and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 9:59 pm

Quit being such a martyr. Slaving away is causing you to have sky-high expectations of smiling happy grateful participants. Like you’re directing some sort of performance and they have to play along.
In your own words, you planned a beautiful Chanukah for your kids, and clearly they did not abide by your plans by refusing to play their part in making it beautiful.
It’s the first night. Put the brakes on. Stop tearing yourself to pieces. Do what you can. Let them feel what they feel. You don’t have to be in control of everything.
Knowing people like you, you’ll continue being a slave and continue complaining about it. But I felt like saying that anyway.

imorethanamother

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:00 pm

The Chanukah spirit isn’t about gifts or parties. That’s why you’re feeling so sad. We adopted this idea from our culture we live in, but true happiness is about what we give, not what we get.

Maybe have your kids pick a few gifts or toys to donate. It’s not too late to call chai lifeline and be an angel for another kid in need.

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:23 pm

Zehava wrote:

wow...

behappy2

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:24 pm

Sorry for all your hard work. Kids are kids. I'm sure they appreciate that you took the time and your cared. Maybe in a calm moment you can explain to them one on one how it made you feel after all your hard work. Maybe ask them what they would have wanted. Get them to see another perspective. That's really the biggest gift you can give them. Freilichen Chanukah!

amother

IndianRed

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:24 pm

I’ve learned to a) not expect anything in return b) only do as much as I realistically can without getting resentful or burnt out. Not as a punishment, but as a boundary.

I also find it helps to put their complaints into perspective, it’s often them dealing with their own big feelings and not an indication that I failed. If I give in and react to their reactions, they will be left with a sour taste. If I choose not to react and let their feelings ride out, they often have good memories after the dust settles.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:28 pm

Zehava wrote:

Wow, I can't even believe this was liked, not once but twice.

OP, ignore the haters. You obviously worked hard that others can't understand. Hope the rest of chanukah gets better.

amother

Topaz

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:37 pm

I also plan a beautiful chanukah for my kids every day something else lots of parties and lots of presents fun times etc... My kids love it But... Every night there is some kid crying about something not getting along with a sibling or unhappy.
My older kids call it part of the script!!

At the end of the day they only remember the good times and they love it.

Don't dwell on it, smile and move on I'm sure your kids are thankful but can't verbalize it.

iyar

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:55 pm

Zehava wrote:

Zehava there’s some good advice buried in that comment but did you have to write it that way?
I’m glad you got to say what you felt like saying - that always makes a person feel good - but I doubt you made op feel even a drop better. If you have nothing nice to say…

Op I’m sorry you feel crushed. Sounds like you put a lot of effort into giving your kids a great time and things are not falling into place the way you planned. I got tired just reading your post. A party every night? And everything else you have to do on top of that! Sounds stressful.
I’m not sure “Chanukah spirit” is a real thing. It sounds like a concept borrowed from a different holiday that has everyone garishly decorating everything in sight and maxing out their cc’s on gifts.
Chanukah was a miraculous victory over people steeped in worshiping their own bodies by people who were concerned with purity and serving Hashem. Our kids might be too little to appreciate the spiritual aspect so we indulge them and let them have fun and eat too much fried food but there’s no need to overdo it. Give yourself a few minutes every night to sit and relax and look at the flames.
I hope the rest of your Chanukah is beautiful.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:02 pm

iyar wrote:

I admit I was pretty triggered by her tone because I know way too many people like this irl. There’s f frankly something really annoying about someone who works themselves to the bone, expects everyone to be super-grateful, and complains nonstop when they inevitably aren’t. Not to mention it’s hard to actually spend meaningful time with your loved ones when you’re busy with the over-the-top trappings and manufacturing an atmosphere through it.

amother

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:09 pm

Op here.
It was just a vent. Kids will always be kids. However, tonight my kids really acted in a way that I did not expect after the effort I did. Especially since, I missed a family party to make a party for them with their cousins from the other side. Also since, I worked especially hard this year to get them presents that they would actually like and only one present really worked out. I am actually going to return two out of three presents and get them something else.
Yes I agree my kids are a little bit spoiled, especially since I am taking them away for the weekend. I was debating on and off if I should actually go, however, my kids barely have off the same time throughout the year and it's a "vacation" that is not costing me much money since I have a place to stay which I'm not paying for.
All in all, I guess I am stressed out since it is past 11:00 at night and I am going back to my office now to work since I couldn't get what I had to do before chanukah and it must be font by the morning...
Also, recently one of my kids started not sleeping at night and it is wreaking havoc in my house.

amother

Heather

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:03 am

Zehava wrote:

I totally agree. I find this also the more work I put in = more chaotic.

My kids had such a fun night and I did not slave away at all.

I bought presents while shopping in bingo (my dd5 helped me pick) and thats all I bought.

My husband brought home extra donuts and pizza from school.

I had tablecloths and chanuka paper goods that I had bought while shopping at the grocery.

I made latkes yesterday with my dd4.

They were all in seventh heaven and busy all night with their gifts.

imorethanamother

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:54 am

I have an honest question here. Maybe it should be a spin-off. When has any child gotten an abundance of gifts and was appropriately and adequately grateful for those gifts?

In fact, even myself- I’m not grateful to Hashem every day I get the gift of my life.

For kids - Being hit with the Be Grateful hammer often backfires and kids don’t know how to show gratitude enough, or feel like there’s this unknown expectation that someone wants from them and they don’t know how to do it.

You wanted happiness and smiles. But gifts aren’t always a guarantor of that. I could take my kids on the most gala vacation and they’d still complain about something like how hungry they are or how much their feet hurt or they’re so tired or the bed isn’t what they wanted. Etc.

Every single parenting book says that kids feel happy when they’ve earned something. Not when they’ve just gotten amazing gifts. Giving presents for Chanukah is not my MO, and I think it makes everyone happier.

PinkFridge

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:02 pm

I'm not sure how much recalculating you can do. You might have to stick with your plans.
But try to reframe.
Be grateful for the different circles of people in your life and the relationships they represent. (True, at the moment your kids are being bratty. Still, create the memories, take the pictures. One day they'll look back and apologize for their bratiness and you'll say, eh, you're great people now, and we did have fun then, didn't we? Or something.) (Don't figure out now how to get there. You have to much on your plate. Start after Chanukah.)
Be grateful for the kochos you have.
Find a few more things to be grateful for.
BUT DON'T FEEL GUILTY! GO TO PART 2.

Start endorsing yourself.
Endorse yourself for being such a great planner.
Endorse yourself for every action you do that contributes to your home - the laundry, the cooking, the shopping, the driving - as you do it.
Endorse yourself when you say a kind word.
Find as many things to endorse yourself for as you're grateful for. Next week, try to shift the balance. But this week you need positivity that will come with telling yourself good stories.

This week is not the week for the story I'm a mommy to brats so I must have failed. Next week isn't either, btw.

I give you full permission to come back here and humblebrag your self-endorsing.

Now, if you want a superhero challenge, find something to endorse all your immediate family members for and try to do at least one person a day. Even if you don't see anything come from it, it's a good thing.

Hatzlacha!!!!