Family feud over date of party

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:10 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

Guilt? You mean reality.

Yes, your children will IY"H be in this exact same position, juggling family parties.

And so?
I'm not going to pressure them like this.
I host my sibling party and I don't pressure.
Anyone who can come at x time is welcome. Otherwise, come another night. Or before Chanuka. Or after Chanuka.
Or stop by for 10 minutes.
Whatever works.

WhatFor

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:11 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

A 45 minute drive isn't so bad. You can do it. Remember, it will be your kids one day trying to arrange chanukah parties. Show your kids the importance of flexibility. Sacrifice a bit for family.

It may be "annoying", but remember that it may be "annoying" for your children one day too. But you'll want them to make the effort.

What message are you sending to your kids though? To leave parties early so you're offending your host? To show up to another party late so you're offending two hosts in one night? Because that's what I'm afraid is going to happen if both parties are at the same time.

Judging from the dynamics here, family A will be hurt that OP is taking her family and leaving just as the party is getting going. "So the other family is more important?" OP will then waste the next forty five minutes of party time sitting in her car and arrive at family B a couple of hours into their party (assuming she stayed at family A for an hour). Family B will feel offended that OP and her family miss the lighting and show up halfway through their party.

No one will appreciate OP bending herself into a pretzel, especially as it doesn't really benefit them. And OP will feel hurt that no one appreciates her ruining her day to try to bend herself into an impossible situation to please everyone.

amother

Diamond

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:44 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

Guilt? You mean reality.

Yes, your children will IY"H be in this exact same position, juggling family parties.

And if they decide attending doesn't work for them, they will be making their very good choice.
What the heck? Why cat parents be happy with whoever shows up? Why does every member of the family need to be there at once or it's not called nachas?

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 8:53 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Gold

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:47 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

You can't really know yet and say now how you'll react to a situation that you're years away from.
There's something really special to it when the entire family is together at once and I don't blame parents that are bothered when not everyone can make it. They feel bad that the one's that are not there are missing out. Parents are human beings that have feelings.

amother

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:48 pm

Thanks for your input everyone!

To update you - my in laws ended up moving their party to a different night. They were upset by it, because they had asked us in advance on what date our families parties would be, and it seemed like the night they chose worked for everyone, but it didn’t end up working out that way.

My explanation of the situation up until now may have been unclear so I’ll re-explain how this happened. My family had told me they were deciding between 2 days and would wait until my in laws decided when their party is to decide which day. My in laws asked when my family is doing their party, and I said my family is waiting on their decision. But my family ended up deciding the date without waiting for my in laws because my in laws were taking too long to decide. My sister sent me a long voice note asking me to pick her kids up from school and in the last 4 second of it, she said “btw looks like our party is on X day”. I was rushing to pick her kids up and missed hearing the last few seconds on her voice note. Then my in laws decided their party date and it was the same date as my family’s.

It was a sucky situation - so stressful, everyone throwing blame around. I am so grateful to my in laws for changing the date of their party! We did not ask them to at all - we didn’t even tell them about the conflict. But they ended up hearing about it from someone else thank goodness lol.

Long explanation but you all deserve it Smile

amother

Chambray

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 3:30 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

But if they come another night then they won't get to spend time with the rest of the family.

Some families don't see each other that often. They don't live near each other. Perhaps in your case, your whole family lives in the same area, so things are more flexible for you. For others, it's not like that.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 3:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for your input everyone!

To update you - my in laws ended up moving their party to a different night. The original date didn’t work for us as well as another sibling. They were upset by it, because they had asked us in advance on what date our families parties would be, and it seemed like the night they chose worked for everyone, but it didn’t end up working out that way.

My explanation of the situation up until now may have been unclear so I’ll re-explain how this happened. My family had told me they were deciding between 2 days and would wait until my in laws decided when their party is to decide which day. My in laws asked when my family is doing their party, and I said my family is waiting on their decision. But my family ended up deciding the date without waiting for my in laws because my in laws were taking too long to decide. My sister sent me a long voice note asking me to pick her kids up from school and in the last 4 second of it, she said “btw looks like our party is on X day”. I was rushing to pick her kids up and missed hearing the last few seconds on her voice note. Then my in laws decided their party date and it was the same date as my family’s.

It was a sucky situation - so stressful, everyone throwing blame around. I am so grateful to my in laws for changing the date of their party! We did not ask them to at all - we didn’t even tell them about the conflict. But they ended up hearing about it from someone else thank goodness lol.

Long explanation but you all deserve it Smile

B"H
I'm glad to hear it

amother

Chambray

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 3:33 pm

WhatFor wrote:

My in laws and parents live about 45 min apart. It's not the big deal you're making it out to be.

In terms of missing out on the parties, I'm glad that OP doesn't have to miss out on either party now that her in-laws have changed the date of their party to accommodate her.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 3:35 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Maybe I'm just able to see life through the lens of someone else's experience other than my own, but my oldest child is a teenager, so I'm the adult child in this scenario, not yet the hosting parent, but I understand it. It does matter. It's worth making an effort.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 3:36 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I agree

amother

Diamond

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:02 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

Does it HAVE to be on Chanukah when everyone had conflicting schedules though?
If you really want everyone there you would make it at a time when it works for them.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 8:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Gold

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:22 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Does it HAVE to be on Chanukah when everyone had conflicting schedules though?
If you really want everyone there you would make it at a time when it works for them.

It's the most practical to do it when the kids are off or start school late, especially if there's travel involved.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My sister sent me a long voice note asking me to pick her kids up from school and in the last 4 second of it, she said “btw looks like our party is on X day”. I was rushing to pick her kids up and missed hearing the last few seconds on her voice note. Then my in laws decided their party date and it was the same date as my family’s.

I'm happy it worked out. You may want to say something to your sister. If she'd communicated better this could have been avoided.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:32 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

So you’re going to pass this stress onto the next generation. That’s great.

amother

Pansy

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:58 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

That's for the individual families to work out between them. I can arrange to see individual family members at other times during the year. You don't need to see everyone at once in order to keep up with one another.

As families grow in size, it becomes almost impossible for everyone to be available on the same night. All this date wrangling and conflicts is not conducive to a happy chanukah atmostphere. You do the best you can, and hopefully people juggle the schedule through the years in a way where they all see each other at different times.

This demand that the entire family MUST be present creates bitterness and unpleasantness. I know of a grandparents who stopped hosting parties for this very reason, and just visits each child on a separate night. If its really that important to you that every single family member must be present, then host your party either before or after chanukah. If you're the one wanting a guarantee that everyone can attend, then you be the one showing flexibility with the date. It's unfair to demand everyone else be flexible for a day of your choosing in the midst of a hectic holiday.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 8:31 pm

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

So you’re going to pass this stress onto the next generation. That’s great.

What a lovely comment.

The fact that I understand the importance of flexibility in accommodating family tells you nothing about what expectations I may have of my children, but it does tell you that I try to be flexible with others, that I know how to be accommodating to others, and that I try to be sensitive to others- especially when it comes to family. Hopefully these are not bad things to demonstrate to my kids..... Hopefully my children will pick up on those messages. Not as stress, but as a value system.

The fact that you consider coordinating family parties to be a "stressor" though....... Not everyone has parties to go to.

It is a gift. It is not easy, it is complicated, but it's a blessing. Nothing good comes without effort. Remember that.

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 8:39 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

And that's part of life and growing up. Parents should understand that their kids aren't toddlers that they can manipulate into schedule anymore. They're grown adults with children, spouses, in laws and obligations. They can figure out, if they want to, when and how to see their siblings.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 8:42 pm

amother [ Lightgreen ] wrote:

I'm sorry that you have manipulative parents/in-laws.

Many people don't.

If this is an issue that you are very passionate about, then perhaps IY"H your children, when they're grown, will come visit you on their own schedule, when it works for them, not necessarily when it works for you. (if that is what you want).You'll break the cycle by refraining from hosting chanukah parties, if that's what suits you.

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:11 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

BH, I don't have manipulative people on either side. I was responding to the poster who said that parents have to demand and insist because otherwise there would be siblings who would rarely see each other. Imo, that's just part of life.