Family feud over date of party

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:33 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

The fact that you consider coordinating family parties to be a "stressor" though....... Not everyone has parties to go to.

I'm autistic. I wouldn't mind if I didn't have parties to go to. I'd make my own parties, on my own time. Attending others' parties is exhausting for me. I do it anyway whenever I can. Thankfully my family understands if I can't make it and they don't guilt trip. I don't know what I would do if they did.

You can try to instill all the values you want. Your kids are still going to be themselves.

amother

Diamond

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:58 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

I'm sorry that you have manipulative parents/in-laws.

Many people don't.

If this is an issue that you are very passionate about, then perhaps IY"H your children, when they're grown, will come visit you on their own schedule, when it works for them, not necessarily when it works for you. (if that is what you want).You'll break the cycle by refraining from hosting chanukah parties, if that's what suits you.

Anyone who uses the "Wait until your kids hurt you" line is manipulative.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 8:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Pansy

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:59 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

But you see, there's a middle route. It isn't everyone must be there or no one can be there. There's plenty of room to throw a nice Chanukah party and lovingly welcome anyone who is able to make it. You can give them a great time and shep nachas without creating stress for anyone. And then you can lovingly welcome the others on the nights they're able to make it.

Why must it be an all or none situation?

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:22 pm

Meanwhile I’ve never had a family Chanukah party like this in my life. When my mother was alive, I would invite her over one night to spend with the kids. My in laws live in another country. All of our Chanukah fun is planned by me, myself, and I.

amother

Lightgreen

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:59 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

It's the most practical to do it when the kids are off or start school late, especially if there's travel involved.

Clearly, it's not very practical at all. There are only so many nights and everyone wants the "prime" nights (like weekends).

I really think it comes down to self-centered behavior and ego. The basic script I'm hearing, from this chat and friends and siblings who go thru this every year is "***I*** want to have a chanuka party, with all my kids and and grandkids in attendance on this night so that ***I*** can have a (momentary, fleeting) sense of nachas, pride, and bragging rights with my friends...and if I have to hurt, manipulate, threaten, and tantrum to get my way, then I will...it's about time someone taught these young ones kibbud av v'em. Just wait until they're the ones making the party and their kids don't want to come. And the mechutanim should know better. Sunday is ***my*** night."

Zehava

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:14 am

amother [ Whitewash ] wrote:

We have exactly one actual party each year. The rest is planned by me. And I LOVE that. Every time I hear people complaining about parties each night I picture the chaos and the shlep and the overtired kids and I just feel bad for them. My kids mentioned once today for the first time how their friends all have many parties… but then they got busy with the Chanukah fun I prepared for them and went to sleep happy as little clams. Chanukah is our favorite YT because of all the chilled family time we get to spend together. With zero stress or conflicting schedules.

rachelli66

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:01 am

The last few years as our families have really grown BH' , our families have a rule. If you can make it great, if you can't you will be missed. That's life. Bh' be happy you have families that get together and enjoy . You can't be at both places. Yes we miss our sibs that cant join, but it just doesn't work out for everyone.

MitzadSheini

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 6:57 am

OP I have to admit that I don't really understand the "you have to come to my party" culture at all.

However, given everything you have written, I would advise you to MAN UP. Because if you really think about it, the reason the parties were clashing was because you didn't listen to or act on the voicemail. There were plenty of good reasons for this, and it wasn't deliberate or malicious, but it appears to me that it was a pretty major factor in causing the clash in the first place.

Therefore, call your sister and say- "I'm glad it worked out in the end, but oi I am so sorry that I missed that message about the date of the party. The best way with these things is to try to co-ordinate beforehand and that is exactly what you did. Next year I will try to plan better."
My guess is that if you say something like that, she will reply something like "oh no it was really my bad, I should have spoken to you properly and not just left a voicemail."

Do something similar with your MIL, and your own parents if applicable. When people don't feel attacked, they are in my experience my likely to be more forgiving and able to take responsibility.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:01 am

amother [ Lightgreen ] wrote:

Clearly, it's not very practical at all. There are only so many nights and everyone wants the "prime" nights (like weekends).

Yes, some years I'll have 2 parties motzai shabb and another 2 on Sunday. What happened to the other 6 days of chanukah? No one wants to schedule their party then. They want someone else to take those nights.

keym

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:08 am

amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:

And I get very frustrated when family schedules parties those other 6 nights. Especially if they expect everyone to attend.
I have 3 teenagers. One had a Rebbi party, 1 had a Rebbi party and a yeshiva party and an elementary class reunion party, and my daughter has a Chanuka Chagiga, all on different nights.
I can't expect them to miss these parties because of a family party.