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Gift giving when you really don't have the money



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 6:33 am
I see so many posts about gift giving for simchas or teachers/rebbeim/therapists. What do you do when you legitimately don't have the money to give a $25-100 gift? Even though my husband and I both work, due to mental health issues he's hardly earning anything. And I work full time, but I'm not making enough to support the family on my own. So we're taking tzedakah to help us survive.

How can I give gifts using tzedakah money? Besides, even with the tzedakah, there is no extra money.

But I feel so uncomfortable not giving gifts. I'll very often decline a wedding or bar mitzva invitation if I'm not so close to them. But there are invitations I can't decline, such as close family and friends or coworkers. Most of them don't know about my husband's issues and our finances. And I'm embarrassed not to give a gift. But I just can't afford it.

What do other people in this situation do?
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Genius




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 6:36 am
Perhaps you can call up the teachers and thank them. Or send a note. If you can afford to give a chocolate and a card that can also go a long way.
I have no ideas regarding simchas.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 8:41 am
Please please don't give money that you don't have and don't stress out about it. Speaking as a Morah here. It's not like every kid shows up with a check and your won't. I get a check from some kids, and a note from other, a donut, a thank you card or nothing. And every single gestures is appreciated. I sincerely mean it. I know it sounds cheesy and I don't even look like that type of person ... But I do enjoy the notes the most.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 8:56 am
About simchas I know I would appreciate if someone came eand wouldn’t even realize if they don’t bring a gift. Honestly most people get too many gifts and don’t know what to do with them. Don’t stress about it
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 3:36 pm
Thanks everyone. I always feel so u comfortable not giving gifts when they're expected, or giving cheap gifts and then seeing posts about $50-100 being normal amounts.

I feel a little better now.
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amother
DarkOrange


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:03 pm
Like it or not, teachers often have a sense or what the money situation is in a home and totally understand.

If you can afford something small like https://www.ohnuts.com/buy.cfm.....heart and a heartfelt note it shows the teacher you didn't forget about them and you appreciate them. (It's really the note that matters. I like a small chocolate with a real note more than a huge thing with a scralled "thanks from the katzes"
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:11 pm
I had many years where I could not give gifts. It was really hard for me because I like gifting people. But I attended simchos , to show my face and share in a persons Simcha and came without a gift.
I also wrote thank you letters to the rebbeim and teachers and sent it without any tip or gift. I still expressed my hakaras hatov, in the way I was able to at the time.
I’ve sent belated Birthday gifts when I did have the money (sometimes a year later) and I offered to watch a newborn so that the new mother could rest or the sibling of a newborn , whichever the mother preferred , when I couldn’t afford to give baby gifts.
I didn’t let the fact that I didn’t have the funds get in the way of expressing my joy for someone’s Simcha or my sincere gratitude .
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:17 pm
As a teacher I'd feel terrible if I knew a parent gave money they couldn't afford or felt they had to use tzeddakah money for a gift.
A sincere, heartfelt written note would make me very happy. I have saved all of those. I don't keep the generic thank you cards, but the heartfelt notes and letters I absolutely do. I look through them every couple of years, think about that child, and hope they are doing well.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:40 pm
This is why schools need to do class/grade/schoolwide gifts. Yes, #BestBubby if you're reading, communism. From each according to their ability. So maybe you give $5 towards all the teachers, and the teachers never know who gave what.

And if you were my friend, I'd much rather have you at my simcha that at home, worrying that you can't give me a gift. B'li ayin hara, things will get better, you will throw a giant kiddush to thank them all.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:06 pm
I do not think you can use tzedekah for a gift for a teacher. it's not like you're buying housewares for a poor kallah.
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amother
Calendula


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:12 pm
I am a mother and a morah
We do not tip.
Yes, some (many?) Of my students give gelt, others gifts...
The card means the most to me.
I don't compare monetary amounts etc, or look at you or your daughter differently whether you do it do not give.

I wrap a nice chocolate bar with ribbon like a present and write a personal, heartfelt card.

Please please please don't feel pressured.

I HATE the pressure thing.
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amother
Tiffanyblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:14 pm
I do a playgroup and my husband is in Chinuch.
Some of our most memorable gifts over the years were very cheap.
My husband once got a bag of chocolate coins clipped to a booklet- a thank you poem from the parents and a thank you card from the child
We once got a cheap tin menorah with a 1 dollar bill rolled up in each candle holder- so $8 all together but done so creatively.
And we've both gotten a donut with a thank you card (yum).
My point being that we don't remember who gave us the big checks after a bit. We do remember the effort.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:15 pm
Yup.

A


Heartfelt


Note

Is


The


Best!!!

The money is appreciated, and disappears. The best notes, I keep forever.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks everyone. I always feel so u comfortable not giving gifts when they're expected, or giving cheap gifts and then seeing posts about $50-100 being normal amounts.

I feel a little better now.


I posted the Bar Mitzvah thread. If it makes you feel, better, I’ve gone to quite a few simchas without giving gifts.
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amother
DarkGray


 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 6:33 pm
If you are taking tzeddakah then dont give. I have had really tough times but not as bad as you so felt obligated to give something... and found cheap items paired with a nice card- a bottle of sparkling grape juice when on sale, cheap baby outfits, toys or games on sale/closeout... after everyone opens gifts they usually dont remember who gave what or who didnt give at all.
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cupcake123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 6:50 pm
I feel you a lot. I've been there. At that point in my life I gave a donut with a really thought out card.
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 6:59 pm
On Chanukah I don't give anything usually unless the school collects for their teachers. On Purim I give a card with a משלח מנות that doesn't come out too expensive. Some years I gave tips with the card and משלח מנות.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 4:50 pm
People remember great gifts and terrible gifts. No one remembers not getting a gift.
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 7:44 pm
I feel you.

I wrote a modest check to the one rebbi and baked cookies with handwritten notes for everyone else. A lot of work but I felt like I needed to do something and gifts were not in budget. Honestly most people seem to say the notes are the most important anyway (they were certainly a lot of work!!)
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 8:53 pm
Unfortunately we're in the same boat as OP. I wish I would've seen this thread on time or had the courage To go against the tide and not give this year.
I gave money that we don't have. (I was told that rebbis we need to give at least $50, and teachers $20-25) assistants I gave a lotion set gift. All with a beautiful handwritten personal Thank you note.
We recieved No Thank you return from anyone!
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