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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
The phone rules....



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:24 pm
My three teen-aged (13, 14, 15) children have iPhones. They are full-on addicted. They text and chat with friends and make lots of calls to friends and family. I'm fine with that. That was the point. But they also watch idiotic YouTube videos, watch shows, play a number of games, obsessively take selfies and then post as WhatsApp statuses, etc. Not very particularly happy with any of that activity. But what really drives me crazy is that they are like zombies - don't see anything, don't hear anything if they have their phones. Zoned out. They don't even realize when they are hungry or thirsty. Total lack of awareness. And it's basically their default thing to do every moment they aren't in school. If I ask them to do a chore, they will do it as quickly as possible and race back to the phone. They will sit three together at the table for breakfast, eating at snail pace while each watching their own show. I can't go on like this. When we try to limit phone access they have actual tantrums - 2 yr old style - freaking out and insisting none of their friends ever have their phones taken away. They beg for us to just let them leave them in the charger and they won't use it, but first chance they get when we aren't on top of them, they run off with them. Hide in bed under the covers or lock themselves in the bathroom. It's really bad.

I don't want to get rid of their phones because I know friends are really important at this age and I want them to communicate. But all the other stuff - ughhhh- and the crazy addiction and attitude. I'm at a loss. What do I do? What should the rules with the phones be? What can we do to allow them to keep their phones but to stop all the other stuff? Is it possible to let them keep the phones and still cure them of this awful addiction? Or is that like leaving an alcoholic a little bottle of beer to drink each day?

HELP!

And please, no criticism of our parenting skills that brought us here. These phones were not my idea. I never wanted them. And I can't go back and change things. Can only move forward. So please, be helpful and be NICE.
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amother
Moonstone


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:29 pm
What do your kids do on Shabbos?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:32 pm
On Shabbos they turn into normal children. They talk to us, they daven, they play games, hang out with their friends, maybe even read a magazine or book, etc. Then the minute Shabbos is out they make a mad dash for those phones.
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amother
Strawberry


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:34 pm
Smartphones are created to be addictive. You can’t expect your children to be able to control themselves here. You need to find a way to set limits that can’t be broken.

They can keep their phones for communication, but I highly recommend you take advantage of the parental controls built right into their iPhones. You can control which apps are available to them, and also set time limits. Hopefully they will soon learn to occupy themselves when the phones aren’t always an option.
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sarahph1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:36 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
On Shabbos they turn into normal children. They talk to us, they daven, they play games, hang out with their friends, maybe even read a magazine or book, etc. Then the minute Shabbos is out they make a mad dash for those phones.


Yup uch I hate it so much
My brothers are the same way and ik it has to bother my parents but they don't do anything about it which bothers me like crazyyy
They are mamish just zombies the whole week glued to there phone, it's truly a horrible addiction and I wish I had some advice
Hugs ik it's sad and hard
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:38 pm
amother [ Strawberry ] wrote:
Smartphones are created to be addictive. You can’t expect your children to be able to control themselves here. You need to find a way to set limits that can’t be broken.

They can keep their phones for communication, but I highly recommend you take advantage of the parental controls built right into their iPhones. You can control which apps are available to them, and also set time limits. Hopefully they will soon learn to occupy themselves when the phones aren’t always an option.


Can you please tell me where I can find out more about how to use these controls. I'm very much NOT tech-savvy so this is all very challenging for me.
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amother
Strawberry


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Can you please tell me where I can find out more about how to use these controls. I'm very much NOT tech-savvy so this is all very challenging for me.


Under settings, look for Screen Time. With a password, you can set up Downtime, App Limits, Communication Limits, and Content/Privacy Restrictions. There’s also a family screen time option, which I haven’t used, but it looks like it’ll be a way to control their multiple devices from yours.

It’s a really good idea to have some control of your kids’ phone use, for multiple reasons.
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amother
Snow


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:26 pm
You can call your cell service provider and get the info and know how
Hatzlocha
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amother
Snow


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:27 pm
I would at least make a rule for everyone even parents no cells or phones landline or otherwise at mealtimes to begin with
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:34 pm
So parental controls are a great idea. I’d lock all of the watching apps like YouTube and Netflix. And also I’d disable the WiFi at certain times.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:40 pm
My DS doesn't have a smartphone but he watches plenty of YouTube on the computer when he's home. The first thing I'd suggest, like other posters mentioned, are some time limits. We have our wifi in our house set to turn off at 11pm. This is for me and DH too (we have our data on our phones if there was something we needed, but it's limited so we use it sparingly).
When I started with this DS threw a fit but now he knows and doesn't argue.
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honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:48 pm
Withdrawal is always hard. But the only way to get your kids to start making eye contact with you again is to commit to a difficult week or two of withdrawal. Smartphones are highly addictive for adults, for a teen it's a literal drug.

Turning off your Wi-Fi is a great idea. Another option is a filter where you get to select which apps, sites and features are accessible. If you are assertive enough, you can make them give you their phones at a certain hour at night and return it to them in the morning.
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amother
Quince


 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:54 pm
My kids are too young for phones but I have a coworker who does no phones (for anyone) during meals and every family member puts their phone in the same spot in the kitchen before they go up to bed.
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kineret




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 11:25 pm
When you set parental controls, be sure not to link it to an iCloud account to reset so that your kids can’t get around it. And YouTube is a wide open minefield - I’d recommend just deleting the app altogether, and turning off their App Store. This is a great resource: https://www.betterscreentime.com/
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 06 2021, 5:43 am
Can you get the school body to speak to the kids about it. Some schools have discussion groups in the classes. Get the kids to realize on their own that something needs to change. And then the students decide on limitations that they will take upon themselves.


On another note, is this different to a kid who has his head in a book all day, and won't look up to give the time of day, and will take 20 minutes before he comes to the table for dinner.

I think it is different, but I'm not sure why.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Mon, Dec 06 2021, 7:39 am
If you turn off wifi won’t the kids just use data. How does that help?
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amother
Mimosa


 

Post Mon, Dec 06 2021, 8:14 am
It's really tough! We have a no phones rule during meal times and no screens a certain amount of time before bed. I need also set a certain amount of time for my younger kids.
We use Android's and not Iphones, so I don't have the same parental control apps, as you. But I have one child who has a really hard time stopping. So what I did is I shut off his data, through my carrier, on his phone. And I use Wi-Fi and a parental control app, to regulate his time. I use it to give him a certain amount of hours per day, to pause it when I want him to do things. And pause it when his time is up at the end of the day.
It's really really hard making changes, when it comes to kids screen time and it's a learning curve for them. But it's very very important. So I try to stick to my guns.
Good luck!
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amother
Clear


 

Post Mon, Dec 06 2021, 9:12 am
I dont have time to post fully but I strongly don’t believe in just imposing restrictions. You need to have a conversation with the kids and help them understand the issues and come up with a plan together with them. Implementation of the plan will still bring resistance in the moment but therell be a commitment.
Example: after a diacussion, Start off with things like phones away at mealtimes. And phones off by 10 pm.
There is material out there. As to how to do this. Even in the secular world.
Good luck
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 06 2021, 5:56 pm
Limiting the time they spend on their phones is crucial. But also, it's very important that the internet should be filtered. If they have unfiltered smartphones, it is likely they have seen or will see things that are terrible for them.
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