How to grow children without resentment?

amother

Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:37 pm

Before I got married I thought I always wanted children. I knew my mother resented having more than two kids and as number 3 that hurt. I have four now and they're all close in age. One of them might have ADHD but he's only 3 so who knows. My husband is inpatient (I didn't realize he was before we got married). I feel myself getting less and less patient and this year I've been the most sick I've ever been (5 months of SPD, covid, UTI and now an ear infection). My sleep is terrible because their sleep is terrible, I think that's why I've been getting sick. The kids are increasingly aggressive with each other and started two weeks ago throwing toys at each other. I'm afraid we're going to all resent each other when they're grown up. What can I do?

behappy2

Tue, Dec 07 2021, 8:47 pm

It's the fear speaking. We all fear becoming our parents. Can you find compassion for both your younger self and your adult self that has so much on her plate. You're not your mother. You will bring up a beautiful family iy'h! Kids fight and throw things at each other. Mothers get sick. Kids get sick. I'm sure there are many positive moments too. Aren't there?

allthingsblue

Tue, Dec 07 2021, 9:06 pm

Birth control
And it will most likely get easier with time
Try to bring positivity in the home and if you have any energy try to do fun things (crafts, singing) and take shortcuts (pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, screen time)

momof2+?

Tue, Dec 07 2021, 9:30 pm

Op, you are sleep deprived and sounds like your kids are all still young. You will recuperate iyH. The kids will sleep better as they get older iyH. You are thinking to far into the future, worrying that your family will resent each other as adults. My kids (all under 10yo) occasionally say they hate each other(Or us parents.) I am not worried. Kids hate each other for breaking maganatile buildings. They fight and make up.
Try to distract them from fighting and rest when you can. IyH all will be good.

amother

Tue, Dec 07 2021, 10:12 pm

momof2+? wrote:

Thank you that's actually a good point. They do get upset about minor things. I will try taking things one day at a time.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 8:46 am

I try and predict the times when I know I struggle and try and put things into place to make it easier. Like I hate the morning rush, but if I have the kids lunches ready the night before, and the kids clothes laid out, it takes a lot of the stress away.
I also find I'm calmer with music on so I try and have it on a lot.
And a change of scene helps. I know it's winter now, but when the weather is better, sometimes I would just take them around the block on their bikes/scooters and I would feel calmer outdoors and it made a break in the fighting.
And now that they're a little bit older it is easier. I do find they play a bit more than they used to, and they're not as destructive.

behappy2

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 8:53 am

Can your husband get up for the kids a few nights a week? How old is the youngest? What is keeping them up at night? Can you go to bed really really to offset the sleep deprivation from waking(go to bed at 7:30/8:00) can you take some basic vitamins?

taketwo

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:47 am

I can totally relate to the sleep deprivation. It's torture. Ihaven't slept through the night in 6 years. Some nights are better than others though. If I don't sleep in on the weekends I would fall to pieces.

Regarding resentment, the minute a sibling is born the resentment is there. I found the book Siblings Without Rivalry amazing to help lessen that resentment, and just help me relax in my parenting by having a simple guide to follow.

It's not easy. It gets easier if you make sure to look after yourself first. Selfcare is not selfish, it's looking after your children's mommy so she can have the Koach to be the good enough mommy she can be. Ask your husband to watch the kids sometimes so you can catch up on sleep. Even if it means he misses minyan. If you can afford, hire a babysitter for a few hours for a cat nap. Find other ways to have a few mins to yourself. Drink a warm drink, take a bath, get a mani or whatever else calms you. I find drinking my morning coffee sitting and relaxing every morning gives me a boost for the day. I ignore everything that needs to get done and just refresh. It's not always easy to make it happen, but it's worth it!

One more point, there is no shame in taking a break between kids to nurture the kids you have. It's quality, not quantity that counts.