Chuzzik please.My child heard me talking to his rebbe

amother

Phlox

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:35 pm

Op please don’t be so hard on yourself!
You certainly did not ruin it all!
A relationship that rests on a strong foundation can withstand mistakes and/ or misunderstandings.
Let it go.
Reframe it as you want what’s best for him and also assert your appropriate parental authority and he has accountability as eavesdropping on parent is not ok that said reiterate you certainly did not want to embarrass him Chas v Shalom and rebbe only had praise for him B”H.
Hugs and hatzlocha

Zehava

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In alot of anguish from this. Did I ruin my son forever. I feel horrible Abt myself now.
Could be my son didn't trust me before, he is a sensitive and Moody child- but I am assuming most kids would be curious to hear what their Rebbe is saying.
I work very hard on a relationship with my son. He is a difficult child, and I think many mom's would be very triggered by his outbursts, and I am usually proud of my patience and loving attitude to him even in his outbursts. I usually can stay calm and loving even in his angry moments. I spend alone time with him most nights, just yesterday took him for a ' mom date' out of school and just had light fun together. I am just hoping I didn't ruin it all. Some of these responses are not encouraging and certainly upsetting me more. An apology I already did-the only thing is my feeling is to downplay when whole conversation, as it wasn't really a big deal, parents speak to rebbiem all the time Abt their sons learning. This way he'd be less embarrassed. Thanks for listening. This parenting thing is so so hard.

You didn’t ruin your son forever. When you apologize it’s important to take full responsibility for what was done with no buts, no blame, and promising to not do it again, and follow through on that promise. There’s no point in downplaying when he overheard exactly what you said. It’ll make him feel invalidated.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You most definitely didn’t ruin him forever. You are doing great. Pls dont beat yourself up and let it drag you down. As someone mentioned above. A rebbe is a partner in chinuch and has many years of experience. Keep doing all those wonderful things with your son. Next time you’ll know better.

Rubies

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You didn't ruin anything. A successful repair will get your relationship to a better place than before.
Please don't eat yourself up.
Yes, parents do speak to rebbes all the time and you can normalize it but the message should be that you apologize for putting him in this position and in the future you will check in with him first.

behappy2

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:04 pm

I don't think anyone can decide for you what to do in the future or exactly how to talk to your kid. Every parenting relationship is very unique. Our children teach us every day what they need and want and we balance that with our adult wisdom and ability to see more than just today. It takes a village to raise a child. Create that village for yourself, ppl you trust and that respect you and can help you on this journey. I have many ppl that I turn to for advice including my mother, sister, mentor, and trusted friend. I only turn to those who have children similar to mine and are of like mind or personality to me. You're doing a great job!

imaima

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:44 pm

Zehava wrote:

This attitude is what we call being dead right. You may think you’re right and debate it. But you lost your child’s trust in you is dead in the water. And at the cusp of teenage years, without trust there is nothing.

Huh? SHE lost her child's trust? He is the one snooping by the door.
Do we not get to have a private phone call in our own house?

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not an expert but my experience with sensitive and intense kids is that it's really hard not to get sucked into the emotional whirlwind. You almost need to shake yourself and get control. Be compassionate but distant enough that you are separate from the storm and not swirling around in it. You have to tell yourself 'I didn't do anything wrong. I am a good mother who is trying to help my son. This is a bump in the road and not the end of the world'. Present calm and confident.
My heart goes out to you. Kids like this are emotionally exhausting and have a way of making you second guess yourself allllll the time. You will both grow from this. It sounds like you have plenty of good times too. What's your son's relationship with your husband? Can he be helpful here?

simba

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:07 pm

amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:

Great post.
OP, I disagree that what you did was inherently wrong. Reaching out for help from a mechanech that knows your child is just sensible.
My father is a mechanech for many years and often speaks to parents and coaches them on how to work with their children. It’s his field of expertise. He does it all day for over 30 years. Parents are young and inexperienced and turning to wiser and older is the correct path.

You can discuss it with your son and tell him that you were doing just that because you love him and you want him to be happy and successful. You understand it is uncomfortable for him or even embarrassing and your sorry that you made him feel that way. That’s all. You can give home a hug if he would appreciate it.

Last edited by simba on Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

NeonBlue

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:08 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

curious enough to go all the way down to the basement to hear what their saying?

Oh yes! Come meet my kids. Severe fomo from inside the womb.

Op, you sound like a great mother. I speak to my daughters teacher every now and then. And my daughter (9) knows about it. I'll tell her I spoke to your teacher, she said so and so - positive . Your teacher was wondering about this or that thing..... and we discuss. Usually it's a minor misunderstanding and we end up chatting about how easy it's to work on these things as long as there is open communication. It does help that her teacher will call just to check in and complement her. And of course I'll tell her all about that phone call too.

I never felt though that if I had a parenting issue, the teacher will be able to help me out. I find the opposite, I teach the teachers my tips and tricks and always encourage them to do positive reinforcements. As a first and second option.....
She has grown so much this year. One teacher just can't stand her personality. Sad part is it's one of her 2 main teachers. Her other 3 teachers though adore her (and she adores them just as much. one Sunday she sat down to write them love notes. She's such a mushy yummy kid).

amother

Moccasin

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:10 pm

amother [ Valerian ] wrote:

I don’t think it was the end of the world. He will feel embarrassed and upset for a bit. Give him the space to work through his feelings. But he’ll likely get over it eventually. I don’t think it’s ruined forever. In general it’s better to reach out for guidance to a neutral party.

It's how she deals with it now that will determine if it ruins their relationship forever.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 4:06 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Bellflower

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:13 pm

There’s so much drama in these responses, my oh my. OP can be a sensitive parent (which sounds like she is) without treating her son like a snowflake. He’s not so fragile that this will ruin him, Betray him, traumatize him. Op: apologize to your son and move on. There are other mistakes to be made tomorrow, and you’ll both move on from
Those too

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:41 pm

I have a child with severe learning disabilities, behavior issues, and ADHD, so I’m frequently on the phone or having in-person meetings with the rebbe, menahel, English principal. This kid knows that the school and the parents work together as partners. He doesn’t like it, but he knows it’s reality and it’s because we love him and want him to be successful. He always wants to know what we discussed, and I tell him all the positive stuff, making sure to emphasize all compliments. I will also selectively tell him about some things that weren’t so positive that we discussed, but I always put a positive, upbeat spin on it and I always tell him from the angle of “rebbe said you’re such a wonderful boy and lots of boys have a hard time with x, he suggested y because he says it helped a lot of boys he knew that had a hard time with x” type so he doesn’t feel like he’s being seen as a bad kid ch”v or as the only kid who ever struggled with stuff. OP I wouldn’t worry too much, your son will be fine and I don’t think you need to feel guilty at all. It’s normal for parents to consult with a rebbe. Maybe in the future just have those chats in your car (that’s where I go when I need privacy because I have teens that are expert eavesdroppers).

amother

Thu, Dec 09 2021, 12:07 am

Thank you all, I really appreciate all the time taken to write the supportive posts. Yes, the description of the whirlwind intense child is spot on. I am usually good with removing myself from his emotions and staying the calm captain of the ship.. My husband has a harder time not getting sucked into this child's intensity and Moody, sensitive nature, and this was my thing to fix.

(Just for all those wondering, my son was deep upstairs on our third floor engrossed in an activity. He happened to come down to the basement to get something, and heard me talking through one door, but that was totally unexpected and rare that he would want to go down to the basement at that time.)

Anyway, he was livid at me and said he is not going to school tomorrow, but I sat on his bed for a while and I sincerely apologized and put it in the context of me seeking advise since his Rebbe said he is so smart and has so much potential, I want to know how to help him get there. I started crying and said I promise I will never give direct examples to the Rebbe again, and just kept reiterated how much I love him and care about him and was trying to learn more how to be a good mom for him. He started crying too, and we schmoozed about other things, and then I rubbed his back and layed with him until he fell asleep.

I am trying. This is so hard. Thank you dear women for the support

amother

Moccasin

Thu, Dec 09 2021, 12:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You are an amazing mother!

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 2:44 pm; edited 1 time in total