Can’t do it | Imamother

amother

Skyblue

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 3:10 pm

All these SAHM here who judge others and say "your kids need you emotionally, you can make it work on one salary, you don't need to work full time" have no idea that many of us have no choice. Bills and expenses are high and not all husbands are employed or or highly paid. Mortgage, tuition, everything costs a lot.

So you're saying for my sanity and my kids mental and emotional health, don't work. That would mean my kids starve and we have no heat or anything. Do I want to work full time and kill myself and barely survive the day? Of course not. But don't make it sound like it's a choice because I don't get to make that decision. I do live oot fwiw.

amother

Mocha

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 3:28 pm

I bh have a largish family and I work.

Here are my tips

I shop for the whole week including shabbos on Sunday. Before I go to the grocery, I make the menu for the week. This leaves the guesswork out and I have the ingredients every day for dinner.

I prep lunch for my husband and kids on Sunday for Monday and Tuesday. And Wednesday a.m. for Wednesday and Thursday.

Quick dinners, I do when I come home from work at 3:30. For think that need many hours, I cook it the night before.

I make that on Sunday the house is spotless and laundry packed away. If the week starts neat and clean, it's easier to maintain.

My older kids from 11 and up all pitch in with the cleaning up after dinner.

On Wednesday evening, I buy the few things that we need fresh for shabbos.

Thursday night, I cook the soup, fish, matzo balls and dips. Potatoes for the kugel are peeled for Friday and dry ingredients for cholent is prepped.

Friday, I wake up at 6 and put of the kugel, cholent and extras.

Cleaning- everyone clears their room. One adult sweeps, the other washes all the floors on Thursday. I also set the shabbos table then.

I bh have off on Friday so I finish cooking and cleaning then.

Appts, I try very hard to schedule it on Sundays or Fridays. Doesn't always work.

BIG DISCLAIMER- I do have young children ajd older ones, but not babies. If you do, the above may not pertain to you as babies do not honor any schedule 😀

So my dear working mommies, please be kind to yourself. It is very very hard to juggle it all. You are all amazing!

Hope the above helps

nicole81

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 3:29 pm

keym wrote:

It's interesting that you say that it's easier as the kids get older.
I am finding it harder. Scrambled eggs is just not an option to fill my teens anymore. They help some but also are so so busy with schoolwork (midterms are about to start). They can't be totally independent so they still need me to drive them to chavrusos, to friends to study, to pick up notes, carpool to or from play practice. And they're up so late and want to talk and spend time with me when I'm exhausted.

The wanting to spend time together late is definitely an issue for some teens. But my teens get around themselves (they use public transportation in the city), make their own meals if they want something more substantial, do their own laundry, make dinner for the family once a week, and more.

It's all relative, too. When I had only little ones, I went to school full time while working full time, having a baby at home and being pregnant or postpartum... And then did my next degree as a single mom while working full time. So this is the good life now 😂

nicole81

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 3:38 pm

Oh and I wanted to add, I have been judged over the years both on here, and in person, for giving my kids too much responsibility (heaven forbid they do their own laundry at 11), letting them travel alone at young ages, and it even reminds me of the thread where people where skeptical that a young child could properly shower-- and I couldn't understand how a parent would think that.

I highly recommend raising your kids to be as independent as possible. You teach them, give them the tools they need to be safe and make smart decisions, trust that they're extremely capable young people, and let them fly.

I think many of us get burned out, or exhausted at best, doing things for our kids, that we don't even realize they could do it themselves and they would take great pride and pleasure in it. And we're actually taking away opportunity from our children.

amother

Currant

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 6:05 pm

When I was married, I worked and had help (not a crazy amount, but she really made my life easier). It wasn’t easy but I wouldn’t say I had hit the level of burnout that I have felt since.
My kids are older, and I am a single mom with next to no help. The only days that don’t absolutely kill me are the ones where I can get home before 4:30.
It’s all hard.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:01 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

(To clarify, that number was with being makpid on Chassidishe shechita, cholov Yisroel, and pas Yisroel, and includes things that I would consider a splurge, like meat pretty often, packaged snacks for kids lunches, expensive bodek frozen veg, etc)

Well, where do you live?? Would love to join you!

amother

Leaf

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:22 pm

I live OOT and work 38 hrs a week. My husband has his own business. We bring in a grand total of $75,000. Yes you read that right. I am 28 and have been working for a few years already and hoping to make more as time goes on. My husband is working to build up his business to hopefully make more as well. We have 2 kids. We own a house (thank u terrible real estate market... a few years ago at least..) We need 2 cars. We live really simply. But yeah, I don't think anyone should recommend me to stop working. Making 6 figures is just not "a thing" here.

Mommy1:)

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:30 pm

I've posted on similar threads (and probably started one or two in the past)! I recently started a new laundry system that has changed my life!

each person gets their own laundry hamper, all their laundry - and even their towel(s) go in. Each of my kids does their own laundry (or is paired with an older kid who can help). My toddler knows which drawers each of her things go into once they are clean.

I save HOURS each week on sorting and folding. My kids learned to be more independent (hopefully they will actually wash their own laundry when they go to camp or dorm).

Drawbacks to the system:
had to eliminate handwash only clothing
had to give away anything that is too delicate
gave away anything that creases
extra $$ on shout sheets that prevent color bleed in the laundry
slightly smaller loads at times (but machines from the last 5+ years have sensors so they don't use more water) which results in additional loads of laundry over the week.

Can't take credit for it, I saw it online from a supermom who has 15 kids! It's truly amazing, and I encourage you to try it if you can. Even if you don't have anyone to help, just the time saved with sorting and folding is lifechanging.

amother

Foxglove

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 9:59 pm

Can you work remotely some days?
Cut your hours just a little or find a less stressful job?
Make sure you take your legally entitled breaks at work and find something really rejuvenating to do then -- even if you think you"should" be spending that time working/pumping?
Take a micro nap (set 3 minutes timer) a few times throughout the day?
These were life changing for me -- I'm still crazy busy, but I feel sane more than 50% of the time now...

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 11:29 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

I figured someone would ask that…
I was hoping to stay anonymous…

Milwaukee

I also live oot but a much larger oot community then you.
Many of us could never live in a place like Milwaukee. We like a larger community. More going on. None of my kids have special needs b”h , but a choice of schools is important to me.
Sorry if I sound snobby, but I like that we’re not totally in town, but in town enough.
We need more action.
Also in terms of working. B”h I have a large family. I like to work. It gives me a social life.
I know I should feel fulfilled with just raising kids, but some of us need more.
No guilt in that either

amother

Snowdrop

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 11:38 pm

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

I figured someone would ask that…
I was hoping to stay anonymous…

Milwaukee

You gave a lot of details, but im curious what your family is living on, like the salary of your dh? and what he does?

I live in nyc, but our jobs are based there, so moving even oot, we probably wouldnt earn enough to even sustain an oot lifestyle.

obviously you may not want to share but things dont add up because to get tuition vouchers you probably need to earn very little, and when I hear how little ppl earn even oot, I just dont get how they pay for everything because one still needs money for all the extras like constant clothes/shoes as our kids grow bh and school supplies/diapers when young...oot means more money towards insurance and car maintenance...having a bigger house means more money for heat/ac/ water etc and unexpected house maintenance....there are so many hidden expenses that I really dont understand how ppl pay for things even oot bec oot is cheaper but salaries are also much lower

anyway I dont want to derail the thread, but if you are able to live off your dhs salary while living oot, good for you that you were able to be sahm(although you said now you may have to go to work)

but for those of us who have to work, like op and I, its not a simple choice of just live oot instead of working...for me, we may live in an expensive area, but we are making much more than if we lived oot, so it evens out and we rely on public transportation etc but we cant make do with one salary and our jobs are not "transferable" so we both need to work. it is not a choice but a must.

op, a lot of ppl are not managing bec its too much to be able to "do it all". I cut corners with really simple suppers and simple but good food for shabbos. You have to cut corners somewhere to be able to manage.

amother

Mocha

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 9:07 am

amother [ Foxglove ] wrote:

Amother mocha, you mentioned that you clean your house thoroughly and put away laundry on Sunday. What do your kids do while you are doing all this? My kids keep me busy all Sunday (I do have a baby and toddler)

Most of my kids are in school on Sunday, except one preteen who has her nose in a book constantly.

If you have a baby and toddler then you are busy with them all day!

amother

Lavender

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 9:58 pm

I'm really relating to this- this was me last year. BH, most of the time, it isn't me this year. Here's what changed:
-Last year's newborn is now a toddler- much less nursing, holding, rocking, much less time consuming.
-I'm enjoying my job more (my classes this year are less challenging) so I don't come home as exhausted- still exhausted, just not as much.
-I took the Sod Haadam course (am still taking level 2) and I really learned how to accept myself, appreciate myself and make time just to be- that really changed things!
-I come home later this year- practically with my kids' busses, but after hearing about their day and feeding the baby, I take 15 minutes for myself. My kids know Mommy's taking a break. I drink a smoothie (prepped in the freezer in the beginning of the week), read, relax, recoup. Then I'm ready to make supper.
-I go to a really enjoyable shiur/workshop once a week. (And I never miss because I'm too busy, because then I'll never go!)
-My husband took responsibility for the dishes- he's always been available to help out, but this way it's off my head.
-My high school sister comes once a week for her chessed hours and folds half the laundry (I fold the other half on Sundays)
I hope you can figure out what changes you can make so you can enjoy these years- it is possible!

amother

Lemonlime

Sat, Jan 22 2022, 11:27 pm

Mommy1:) wrote:

The new system is having kids do their own laundry?

amother

Dahlia

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 4:26 pm

Milwaukee mother is food for thought. I guess my family is just such a huge part of my life that I would rather work full time then move away from all of them and stay at home. Is that weird? My sisters and sisters in law are my best friends. They are the ones hosting us and who we are hosting for shabbos and yom tov meals, play dates with the kids most shabbos afternoons and Sundays. That’s who I’m schmoozing with when I’m doing the laundry or cooking for shabbos at 2am. I would be so lonely and isolated without them, I can’t even imagine.
But I’m BH not at the overwhelmed stage right now, with no one nursing and a decent amount of help in the house when I’m at work. And I guess also BH never had to experience working full time without hiring full time help ever. But I do remember the days of crying in the car while I drove to work because I was so burnt out and just wanted to sit in the recliner and nurse the baby all day and did not want to deal with any. more. pumping. And still lived in a tiny house with no confidence that we’d afford something more comfortable ever (thank you Hashem for the fabulous house that fell in our laps in the end). But still never ever considered moving out of town as an option that would bring me/my family more menuchas hanefesh and happiness long term. Great. Push off the pressure for the next decade. But then what? Your kids grow up and go to the same seminaries/yeshivas as the in town kids. And need the same shidduchim. The tuition years have passed. And now is life any bit easier?