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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Unhelpful Mussar From Kindly Nosybody



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 10:44 am
Advise wanted here...

I live and a place where people are always in your business.
How do I deal with kindly neighbor/stranger who loves to Mussar you on non-Halachic issues?

I’m a normal Frum human who occasionally struggles with hashkafa (internally) and sometimes a nosy nonetheless well meaning comment like those can trigger me and turn me bitter or angry.

To clarify, we are not talking about open rebellious behavior which is cloaked under the excuse ‘it’s not Halacha - just standard run of the mill behavior which some locals view not ‘fine’

Please help me come up with a way to respond to ms/ms kindly without being bitter or too strong yet at the same time be assertive enough to convey she is overstepping and wrong.

I want to add that in my haskafic journey comments like these actually have an adverse effect and turn me away from hashem. I wish I could learn to overcome that challenge but that is a work in progress.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 10:48 am
"Thank you for sharing your perspective." Said politely and firmly. Then walk away.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 10:48 am
Also, reply if you relate. It will be very validating....
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amother
Mimosa


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 10:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Also, reply if you relate. It will be very validating....

totally
It's even worse when it comes from family members...
If only they would now that their mussar is actually turning me away...
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Rubies




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 10:53 am
It's helpful to reframe your view of these people from kind but nosey to lacking social development.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 10:56 am
DrMom wrote:
"Thank you for sharing your perspective." Said politely and firmly. Then walk away.

This is good. If you want to make it even more pointed, you can just not say anything at all after she finishes and let the awkward pause hang in the air for a few seconds. She may either begin talking again or not. If she does, just wait the same awkward few seconds. If she is fully stopped, say "Did you want to add anything else?" Rinse and repeat until she says she's done. Then say like Drmom advised, "Thank you for sharing your perspective." And walk away.
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 12:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Advise wanted here...

I live and a place where people are always in your business.
How do I deal with kindly neighbor/stranger who loves to Mussar you on non-Halachic issues?


I’m a normal Frum human who occasionally struggles with hashkafa (internally) and sometimes a nosy nonetheless well meaning comment like those can trigger me and turn me bitter or angry.

To clarify, we are not talking about open rebellious behavior which is cloaked under the excuse ‘it’s not Halacha - just standard run of the mill behavior which some locals view not ‘fine’

Please help me come up with a way to respond to ms/ms kindly without being bitter or too strong yet at the same time be assertive enough to convey she is overstepping and wrong.

I want to add that in my haskafic journey comments like these actually have an adverse effect and turn me away from hashem. I wish I could learn to overcome that challenge but that is a work in progress.


Move. (I could not survive such a neighborhood).
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 12:10 pm
I empathize. I didn't grow up in an area or culture where everyone feels entitled to stick their nose into your business, but I live in one now and it drives me batty.

I do a lot of subject-changing - when they come at me with whatever unsolicited advice, I respond by asking about their kids, grandkids, other things they have going on in their life, whatever. Plenty of people are happy to talk about themselves, so I let them.

I will also give variations on the "thank you for sharing your opinion" response .. your opinion has been noted, thank you for sharing, etc. If they keep pushing, I say I'm not interested in discussing the matter at this time (or, in the case of my in-laws, "this is not a matter for extended family discussion").

Once or twice I've been more aggressive. I once asked an intrusive and nosy neighbor of my MIL whether it was common in her culture to meddle and interfere in other people's lives and said that in my culture such behavior would be considered extremely bad manners. She got a weird look on her face and walked away, and has never talked to me again (win!).
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amother
Chicory


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 12:58 pm
DrMom wrote:
"Thank you for sharing your perspective." Said politely and firmly. Then walk away.


I'm not as nice as you.

Interrupt, and say "That's a personal matter that I'm not going to discuss with you."

I get it.

One of my kids went through a stage where he hated shorts. I could hold him down to put on shorts while he kicked and screamed, then listen to him whining the whole day. Or I could let him wear pants. It was a pretty easy decision for me. Except for the literally dozens of people who would come up to me and say "don't you think he's hot"? He talks. If he's hot, he'll let me know.
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amother
Vanilla


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 1:25 pm
Yes instead of saying thank you I'd say calmly "interesting opinion" and walk away
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 1:30 pm
[quote="amother [ Chicory ]"] He talks. If he's hot, he'll let me know.[/quote

Which is exactly what I would have told them.
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amother
Narcissus


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 2:28 pm
I’m running a contest to find the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me - and you won !!
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 2:35 pm
Z
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amother
Bone


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 4:48 pm
Thank you. That is an interesting perspective. Looks like it might rain. (Topic change)
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amother
Jade


 

Post Thu, Dec 30 2021, 5:03 pm
I think you might need to be more blunt.
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