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-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Jan 04 2022, 2:48 am
I need help!!! Dd6 drives me nuts with the kvetching! She spends a full hour every mornings crying and kvetching and making everyone late. Everything is a huge issue for her. I prepare food and clothing the night before as much as possible and make sure it's something she wants, but she still manages to find things to get upset about. Today I yelled at her (not tons, but enough to upset her) because it's the only thing that seems to get her to snap out of it. Then she gets so upset about that (it's only happened a few times that I've yelled/spoken so sternly, so it has a big upsetting impact) that she forgets what she was so upset about or gets over it. When I'm calm and patient and loving, she just keeps going with the kvetching and crying.
Today she said (this was the last thing- there was way more kvetching about things before this) "Mommy, heeeeelp meeeeeee." I said "What do you need?" She said "You know, I already told you." I said "I don't know what you need" all nicely and calmly. But she started getting more and more upset. So then I sternly told her she needs to stop, it's enough, and she got all upset about that. Then I went to do something else and she cried and then went to do something else and was fine. But when I brought it up, she got all upset and told me to stop talking about it.
What can I do to help her??? I feel so bad because obviously she's doing it not to upset me but because it's truly difficult for her. Part of the issue is that everyone gets up too late because everyone goes to sleep too late, but getting them into bed is also an issue. And when she in particular is in bed, it takes her a very long time to fall asleep. She doesn't like to just close her eyes and doesn't like to be alone. She likes being spoken to and hearing stories, but it keeps her up. When I ignore her, she falls asleep, but often takes a long time. So the lateness makes me in a rush, and that combined with her tiredness probably makes her extra stressed. I'm wondering if me waking up extra early and preparing everything before so I can just calmly help her through everything she needs to do would help. Probably... Any tips? Are there 6 year olds who just need to be walked through the morning routine instead of being told calmly what to do themselves?
I was also considering if it would help to have some kind of sign that she should try to calm down and stop kvetching. Like if she's getting upset, I can stop and give her a big hug and tell her to try to take a deep breath. Any other ideas? I want to help her learn to regulate her emotions when she gets all upset like this, and being calm and patient and accepting seems to just make her keep going and going and going.
Okay, that was long. Thanks for reading if you did. Thanks even more for any advice if you have. I've really had a hard morning...
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salt
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 3:09 am
Mornings (and bed times) are hard!
Maybe DD has ideas. One afternoon before she gets tired, call a 'family meeting' - with popcorn and chips! Come with a piece of paper and a pencil, and trouble shoot - together with her - and other kids if there are others in the picture.
Maybe she'll come up with ideas herself.
Maybe come up with a schedule - eg.
6:30 wake up.
6:35 out of bed.
By 6:45 - dressed - DD6 needs help with tights and buttons - everything else she gets done by herself.
By 6:50 - hands washed, teeth brushed.
By 7:00 - finished breakfast, DD6 needs help pouring milk on her cereal.
If we're ready to leave on time, DD6 gets a cookie to take with her on her way 
Discuss what to do if DD gets stuck. How to ask for help.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 3:43 am
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Thank you so much for taking the time to answer (and read!) I think I will try a nice early schedule like this. It might also help her falling asleep earlier if I get her up nice and early in the morning. If anyone has any other suggestions for this or general kvetching, I'd love to hear them!
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amother
Peony
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 8:25 am
I don’t know if this is applicable to your daughter, but my 5 yr old dd is the same.
I recently had her evaluated by an OT for fine motor issues that were coming up in school, and found out that she really is also lagging in gross motor skills and has “poor body awareness”
So she isn’t kvetchy or lazy, but the tasks she needs to do (get dressed, feed herself etc) are so daunting that she shuts down and refuses to do them without help.
Maybe worth looking into for your Dd as well.
Good luck!
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dankbar
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 8:29 am
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Seems like she is tired. Starts with the night.
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jewishmom6
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 9:59 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I need help!!! Dd6 drives me nuts with the kvetching! She spends a full hour every mornings crying and kvetching and making everyone late. Everything is a huge issue for her. I prepare food and clothing the night before as much as possible and make sure it's something she wants, but she still manages to find things to get upset about. Today I yelled at her (not tons, but enough to upset her) because it's the only thing that seems to get her to snap out of it. Then she gets so upset about that (it's only happened a few times that I've yelled/spoken so sternly, so it has a big upsetting impact) that she forgets what she was so upset about or gets over it. When I'm calm and patient and loving, she just keeps going with the kvetching and crying.
Today she said (this was the last thing- there was way more kvetching about things before this) "Mommy, heeeeelp meeeeeee." I said "What do you need?" She said "You know, I already told you." I said "I don't know what you need" all nicely and calmly. But she started getting more and more upset. So then I sternly told her she needs to stop, it's enough, and she got all upset about that. Then I went to do something else and she cried and then went to do something else and was fine. But when I brought it up, she got all upset and told me to stop talking about it.
What can I do to help her??? I feel so bad because obviously she's doing it not to upset me but because it's truly difficult for her. Part of the issue is that everyone gets up too late because everyone goes to sleep too late, but getting them into bed is also an issue. And when she in particular is in bed, it takes her a very long time to fall asleep. She doesn't like to just close her eyes and doesn't like to be alone. She likes being spoken to and hearing stories, but it keeps her up. When I ignore her, she falls asleep, but often takes a long time. So the lateness makes me in a rush, and that combined with her tiredness probably makes her extra stressed. I'm wondering if me waking up extra early and preparing everything before so I can just calmly help her through everything she needs to do would help. Probably... Any tips? Are there 6 year olds who just need to be walked through the morning routine instead of being told calmly what to do themselves?
I was also considering if it would help to have some kind of sign that she should try to calm down and stop kvetching. Like if she's getting upset, I can stop and give her a big hug and tell her to try to take a deep breath. Any other ideas? I want to help her learn to regulate her emotions when she gets all upset like this, and being calm and patient and accepting seems to just make her keep going and going and going.
Okay, that was long. Thanks for reading if you did. Thanks even more for any advice if you have. I've really had a hard morning... |
that sentence popped out at me. So much of this sounds exactly like my daughter.
My daughter is HSP - highly sensitive person. Like seriously everything is an issue.
(when she plays with friends she's bliss)
Also notate that these kinds of kids need lots of patience(they hate being rushed), empathy, routine
and transitioning is tough for them.
If my tone of voice is a drop high pitched she tells me I am screaming at her.
I can say she is more challenging than my two babies !
read up on it and see if that matches your daughter.
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wifeandmore
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:24 am
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I play happy music in the morning (really all the time) It changes the house vibe.
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#BestBubby
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:29 am
try melatonin to help her sleep at night.
not a drug. a healthy supplement.
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jewishmom6
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:41 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Thank you so much for taking the time to answer (and read!) I think I will try a nice early schedule like this. It might also help her falling asleep earlier if I get her up nice and early in the morning. If anyone has any other suggestions for this or general kvetching, I'd love to hear them! |
depending when you leave but personally I would not wake my kid at 6!
Wake her up with enough time to get ready and treat her to something yummy if she is dressed and ready at whatever time.
Also at night you have to make boundaries.
I would do I read one book, bathroom and bed.
sometimes I let her read a book in bed to help her relax or play with a squishy/teddy bear.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:45 am
| amother [ Peony ] wrote: | I don’t know if this is applicable to your daughter, but my 5 yr old dd is the same.
I recently had her evaluated by an OT for fine motor issues that were coming up in school, and found out that she really is also lagging in gross motor skills and has “poor body awareness”
So she isn’t kvetchy or lazy, but the tasks she needs to do (get dressed, feed herself etc) are so daunting that she shuts down and refuses to do them without help.
Maybe worth looking into for your Dd as well.
Good luck! |
Physically she's fine and she's fine in school. I'm pretty sure it's all emotional for her. The question is how much is personality and how much can be helped. And how??!!
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:46 am
| dankbar wrote: | | Seems like she is tired. Starts with the night. |
Yes, I am really going to try to get everyone in bed and up much earlier. Thanks.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:47 am
| wifeandmore wrote: | | I play happy music in the morning (really all the time) It changes the house vibe. |
She actually hates when I play music or sing- like it's too much for her. I agree with you, it would cheer me up a lot.
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Beingreal
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:49 am
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I tell my kids if they kvetch my kvetchy ears are off and I only hear big girl or big boy voices. It works!
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:53 am
| jewishmom6 wrote: | that sentence popped out at me. So much of this sounds exactly like my daughter.
My daughter is HSP - highly sensitive person. Like seriously everything is an issue.
(when she plays with friends she's bliss)
Also notate that these kinds of kids need lots of patience(they hate being rushed), empathy, routine
and transitioning is tough for them.
If my tone of voice is a drop high pitched she tells me I am screaming at her.
I can say she is more challenging than my two babies !
read up on it and see if that matches your daughter. |
Yes, sounds very similar. She is extremely sensitive- to everything! Do you do any therapy or anything special with/for your dd, or just deal with it one issue at a time?
Today when she came home from school, I told her I want to make our mornings less stressful. As soon as I mentioned it, she started crying/kvetching that I'm making it hard. But I kept talking and then after a couple of minutes she started responding with her ideas. I'm going to try to get up earlier and get everything I need to get done before helping her, so I am not so rushed and pressured. I think she really doesn't respond well to my stress and rushing. Even though I'm usually not so stressed at the start, but I can't sit for 20 minutes while she gets ready to do something! But maybe if I'm moving slower it will calm her, too. We'll see how it goes. Would love more advice. Thanks, everyone!
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jewishmom6
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:56 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Yes, sounds very similar. She is extremely sensitive- to everything! Do you do any therapy or anything special with/for your dd, or just deal with it one issue at a time?
Today when she came home from school, I told her I want to make our mornings less stressful. As soon as I mentioned it, she started crying/kvetching that I'm making it hard. But I kept talking and then after a couple of minutes she started responding with her ideas. I'm going to try to get up earlier and get everything I need to get done before helping her, so I am not so rushed and pressured. I think she really doesn't respond well to my stress and rushing. Even though I'm usually not so stressed at the start, but I can't sit for 20 minutes while she gets ready to do something! But maybe if I'm moving slower it will calm her, too. We'll see how it goes. Would love more advice. Thanks, everyone! |
my dd is highly sensitive with sensory.
I am getting her evaluated for OT.
listen to this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?.....=572s
Last edited by jewishmom6 on Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:58 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 10:57 am
| Beingreal wrote: | | I tell my kids if they kvetch my kvetchy ears are off and I only hear big girl or big boy voices. It works! |
Thanks for this tip, interesting way to put it. I realized today that it's not that she's asking for things though- it's that she's upset about something. "I banged my foot, my tights are uncomfortable, you pick me up, she's taking my toy," all in a very kvetchy voice. That kind of thing. Does that change anything? If the kid is kvetching when asking for something, you can have them rephrase, but if they're kvetching that something (everything!) is bothering them, does it work the same way?
I try to be understanding and calm and loving and empathetic and all that. But sometimes seems to make it go on more and get worse...
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 11:34 am
Thanks for this, I'll look into OT. The link you posted is not working for me. Can you repost or tell me what to search? Thanks again!
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jewishmom6
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 11:42 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Thanks for this, I'll look into OT. The link you posted is not working for me. Can you repost or tell me what to search? Thanks again! |
How to Help Your Highly Sensitive Child by Yisroel Wahl
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amother
NeonPink
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 12:07 pm
My dd6 also has a hard time in the morning. Her OT therapist made her a chart of all the things she needs to do in the morning very detailed like going to the bathroom to putting on socks to eating breakfast. Every little thing. She now has full control of her morning so she feels in control and I bite my tongue. Works well for us
Also I started her bed time a half hour earlier so she I can lay with her which helps her fall asleep
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 04 2022, 2:59 pm
Wow, the more I read about it, the more I'm convinced this "Highly Sensitive Person" diagnosis was made just for her! She is brilliant, empathetic, sweet, wonderful, sensitive to pain and noise and touch, helpful, caring. This is amazing! Says it's just a personality trait.
I found this interesting resource, in case it helps someone else:
https://www.friendshipcircle.o.....hild/
B"H, she has so far found good friends and is well-liked by kids and teachers, but it is good to keep in mind how this can be difficult for her later down the line. If anyone else has tips or ideas on dealing with this, I'd love to hear more!
We are working on a better bedtime routine, and I plan to wake everyone up earlier in the morning. Thanks, everyone!
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