Taking care of kids

amother

Mocha

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 4:59 pm

Everyone is different. I know people who get their joy from it and can go on and on. I'm not one of them. Also, some if it is psychological. If dh is traveling and not coming hone at night, I'm spent ten minutes in, sometimes less. If I know I'm getting a break midday, I have lots of energy for the morning.

amother

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 5:08 pm

I can usually do up to 2 hours and then I feel exhausted. At that point I kind of tune them out and there’s lots of fighting and crying and I just don’t have the energy for them . Then when I ask dh for help he says it’s your job to be a mom and you're incapable.
So I’m asking you guys, are you all really taking care of your kids (little) for more than 2 hours at a time without help or breaks. Am I the only incapable one that can’t get her act together?

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 5:13 pm

I think you need to be more proactive. Every hour, take a 5 minute bathroom break. Every hour and a half, tell the kids that we're having some quiet time and put on headphones and read a book. When you notice things getting too chaotic for you, announce exercise time and put on Mendy Music.

Don't keep pushing yourself to the edge (for you, 2 hours) and expect it to get easier.

amother

SandyBrown

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 5:14 pm

Different kids demand different amounts of energy. Either way, you definitely sound like you could use some support, whether it's emotional or physical or just some hacks. That doesn't make you incapable, it makes you human! It's possible he's projecting his own insecurities regarding his inability to manage the kids as well as he thinks he should.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 5:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I do my own thing and let my babies amuse themselves near me a lot of the time. I def am not focused on them for entire long blocks of time. I would question whether that's even the best thing for the kids.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 7:25 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Why would that not be the best thing for the kids?
Let’s not let our insecurities convince ourselves that it’s better for them.
It’s probably better if we give our full attention - but we’re human and can’t always do it. But don’t say it’s better to ignore them….

BrisketBoss

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 7:40 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

Nah. Maybe it's an insecurity for you, but it isn't for me. I genuinely don't believe that it is a higher madreiga to have a child of any age be monitored every second of the day. When my kids entertain themselves for a bit with no adult present, I feel nachas and not guilt.

amother

Cadetblue

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 9:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What? Is it not his job to be a Dad? He sounds like he treats you badly. A spouse should have your back when you are overwhelmed and not put you down.

StrongMomma

Wed, Jan 05 2022, 9:52 pm

To answer your question: I get overwhelmed very quickly and hardly have the kids by myself for more than an hour or two. If dh says he’s leaving and there’s still 5 minutes until he absolutely has to leave, I ask him to stay because that makes a difference to me.

The difference in my situation is that while I do often wonder why I seem to be the only one like this, and I constantly feel terrible about myself for not being more capable, I’m so so blessed to have a husband who is always there for me and is a very involved father. If he’s home, he’s either watching the kids so I can rest or working alongside me. Literally the only time he’s not helping me is if he’s in the bathroom.

I do know that I’m very lucky that my husband is able to be so available schedule-wise, and in terms of attitude, and I’m not at all saying that this is to be expected of every husband, but I don’t think that it’s fair for a man to say that you’re the mother so he has no responsibility to help you. Please realize that you’re not wrong or incapable by asking your children’s father to help out with his own children, and I hope you can change things for the better.

amother

Crystal

Thu, Jan 06 2022, 12:16 am

I take care of my kids myself all day from morning till bedtime and through the night as well. Dh is hardly ever home. I am very overwhelmed. It is not easy at all. What do I try to cope? A lot of coffee, ear pods , small breaks or walks, taking every opportunity I could to sleep, thinking about that this is just the stage I’m in now. Remembering to enjoy it and that it will pass.

amother

Daisy

Thu, Jan 06 2022, 4:43 am

First of all, I agree with all who say your d?h has WAY more of an issue than you.

You don't specify the ages of your kids or how many there are. How overwhelming depends on the personality of the kid/kids, the number of them, and what they and I are supposed to be doing at that time. There are days when I am fine with everyone for a long time and there are days when I am overwhelmed and stressed and have the kids call their father to find out what's taking him so long to COME HOME ALREADY!!!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 06 2022, 4:53 am

Quote:

amother [ OP ] wrote:
Then when I ask dh for help he says it’s your job to be a mom and you're incapable.

Quote:

Ummmm….
Nobody else noticed this very large separate problem?

Yeah, my jaw dropped on that one. Surprised

OP, your problem is not the kids. Your problem is that you feel completely alone and unsupported.

Newsflash: Having kids is DH's mitzva, not yours. He should be kissing your feet for making it possible for him to fulfil this mitzva. You gave a huge part of your body and your life, so that he could have his mitzva.

Men love making babies, but then they think they can just disappear once the deed is done. Sorry, it doesn't work that way in a Torah home.

If I were you, I wouldn't be intimate until he could prove to you that he is someone worth having kids with. Besides, how can he expect you to be in the mood when you are already overwhelmed with the kids you have?

DH should be trying to figure out how to get back in your good graces, ASAP.