I'm ruining them | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 5:40 pm

I have been learning a lot about childhood emotional development and the long term affects of various parenting strategies and I have come to the conclusion that it was a mistake to have kids. I have 3 beautiful children that I physically am not capable of parenting without employing destructive strategies because I'm just not a good enough person. And now I'm stuck figuring out what to do. I will never be on the level to parent my children with authentic empathy, respect and consistency, so I've basically signed them up for a childhood that will cause lasting trauma. I don't understand why anyone let me have kids knowing my personality and imperfections.

Cheiny

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 5:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s not too late. If Hashem gave you children, it means you are supposed to have those children, and perhaps one of your nisyonos in this life is to do the work to become the best mom you can be. Get help to work past your issues that are holding you back and presenting the most challenges for you in your child-rearing role, and vow to improve. That’s all it takes, you can become the kind of mother you want your kids to have. Everyone has imperfections and our task here is to work on them. Get yourself therapy and daven, and with Hashem’s help you can become the person you want to be. Good luck.

amother

Gray

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 6:18 pm

Op, I feel with you. I will never get it right. I'm just not enough. I don't know where I went wrong. I used to be great with kids, but not when they're my own apparently.
I went to therapy. I went to parenting classes. I've read dozens of books on raising kids, personal development, child development, parenting challenging children. I've tried implementing them, to the best of my ability. My ability is just not enough. No matter what I do, I just can't get it right.

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 6:29 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Ever heard of the term good-enough mother?

Also, I think a lot of what they push for today is idealistic garbage.

We’re human. We do the best we can within our circumstances. Within your particular circumstances, I can bet there is much you can do, too.

Without turning yourself into someone else. Or aiming for unrealistic perfectionism.

Good enough isn't referring to regularly employing destructive strategies with children, sorry.

To the OP, what does your therapist say? Is their father able to do more of the parenting? Is he in a better place?

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 6:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm in therapy, I have support, but realistically I'm not going to be able to stop these things.

No amount of therapy is helpful when you have 3 little kids screaming and a headache and you just need silence. It's just not realistic.

The whole concept of good enough mother doesn't sit well with me. If something is detrimental, it's detrimental, doesn't matter if you do it with good intentions.

Are you honest with your therapist about what is going on and how you feel?
Are you beating your children? Are your children physically safe? We don't know what kind of destructive things you are talking about.
Assuming you have regular parenting struggles and behavior in a way you know is not right, you can stop these behaviors if you want to with work and therapy, parenting classes, maybe medication. We aren't professionals and do not know the entire situation in your home. We don't know where your husband is in all of this or what trauma you may have experienced in your life.
What does your therapist say?
And yes, there is hope for you and your children.

ra_mom

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 6:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you're like me, and grew up in a chaotic household, and the above spins you out of control, just know that things can change. I am testament to that. You can PM me for support and direction on how to work toward this.
You are a caring, loving mother. Look how much you want for your children.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 7:02 pm

I think we tend to be too critical of ourselves. I grew up in an abusive home. And most of my trauma is about being unwanted and emotionally neglected. The non perfect discipline I grew up with actually has no bearing on my life. If you love your kids and they know that they will be ok. It’s ok if you can’t handle their noise or be the mom that sits in the floor and is able to hear them go on and on. At the end of the day they exist ready. Instead of beating yourself up over who you aren’t give them whatever you can and make sure they know they are loved.

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 7:07 pm

Please know that YES there is hope!!! The mother I am today and the mother I was years ago are two very different people. Yes it is entirely possible for a person to change! Yes it doesn't happen overnight (and u can fall back time and again before going forward..)

Using the example you gave.. I can now watch kids holler their heads off and feel warmth and love towards them instead of feeling my hot anger boil over and explode (onto them)

Keep up with your therapy, keep learning and growing.. don't give up!!!!!!!!!!

amother

Mauve

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 7:08 pm

Oh OP I feel the exact same way.

The idea of “if you have children you are meant to be a mom” doesn’t sit well with me because my mom is one of those moms who shouldn’t have given birth. And I’m clueless, hopeless, and destructive when it comes to my own kids.
A severe mistake I deeply regret.

But somewhere in my mind I believe it’s one of those responsibilities life throws you and I gotta try my hardest.
It’s a nisayon I believe somewhere under all my self hating and regretful layers that I want to overcome.

We’re in this together.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 7:14 pm

The way I experienced it, some children naturally react well to an abusive or mean parent. This might be sad to most people reading this, but could comfort you, OP.

There were 8 of us in my house. Our mother was seriously abusive in a verbal and psychological way. As a therapist now, I would actually diagnose her with ASPD and BPD, if I could.

Anyway. Of the 8 of us, all of us were violently abused by her at different degrees and had our lives, as well as our self-worth, absolutely shattered. We all had to start from scratch to build ourselves as people after having her and our enabler dad, as parents. And you know what? Only two of us are no-contact with her.

The 6 others adore her and say she's the best mommy ever, and are at her feet. They've also all managed to have stable lives, jobs, get married and have children.

I went NC right after I was married, and my younger sister went NC after going OTD. So all and all, my mom got a good deal, for an absolutely destructive monster.

So, even if you know you are possibly doing things that are traumatic to your kids, if the cause of your behavior is a mental illness, nothing will get better unless you get treatment. And even if you do get treatment, it could be years before you actually become a better parent. But absolutely no harm can be undone.

My recommendations?
Stop whatever behavior you can do now. Particularly if you're doing things that are CPS worthy. The behaviors you can't stop, go to therapy for. Get medicated if necessary. Find outlets for yourself. Give yourself quiet time when you need to. (You know how you can send an angry, screaming child to the corner to calm down? Do that for yourself)
And please, give your kids the chance to experience the love, care and warmth you can't give them. Let them spend lots of time with grandparents and aunts and uncles who are loving and will provide them the unconditional love, emotional safety, and love and warmth they deserve.

Knowing you're doing something wrong is the first step. You CAN become a better parent, but you need to be realistic. And hope that your children will either not recognize how your behavior hurt them, or will forgive you one day.

Good thing is, the sooner you get treatment, the less they'll remember this in the future.

I believe in you. Both as a survivor and as a therapist.

All the best.

amother

Olive

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 7:14 pm

amother [ Rainbow ] wrote:

What helped you

amother

Junglegreen

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 7:56 pm

Just Do the best you can
I think all this parenting stuff is causing parents to be super anxious. I read a bunch of books and did some classes. The advice makes sense if you’re perfect, in a perfect world, and if you have a perfect spouse. I found it impossible to follow. I try to follow it and aim to be a great parent, however, no matter how much I try, my kids witness disagreements , they witness some arguing and fighting. If it’s not from me, it’s from my husband or a sibling or a teacher etc. I also find it absolutely impossible to always keep a united front in my situation. We can try to do the right thing and that’s all you can do. You are probably not damaging your kids for life if you don’t have a bedtime routine or if you give them ice cream for supper once in a while.
Also, when I look around me I see some amazing people who had horrible parents as well as the opposite.

mushkamothers

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 8:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You're throwing around a lot of terms here but in reality the research is incredibly forgiving. Trauma doesn't work like that. Good enough parenting means being imperfect in response and child learning to tolerate frustrations. Secure attachment can be achieved with about 20-30% accuracy rate meaning you can get it wrong most of the time.

I mean think about your own childhood. You can probably look back and really label it, trauma and insecure attachment included, and look what you've achieved since- a relationship. Children. Job. Whatever has happened in between. Sure you have issues, we all do but presumably you are indeed much more educated and much more self aware than your own parents were, so already at an advantage.

The work of conscious parenting never ends. It's lifelong. It's the work of - regulation. Triggers. Nervous system. Trauma awareness. Attachment education. Boundaries. Stopping cycles. And yes- understanding development.
You don't have to be stuck - you just continue the work here. You show up the best for your kids and trust it's the best. You do as much as you can and when you know better, you do better.

mushkamothers

Sun, Jan 23 2022, 8:07 pm

amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:

Rupture doesn't matter as long as you repair. Just model repair.