S/O Helping siblings

amother

Daylily

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:17 pm

I don't support my sibling but I have happily helped my sibling out.

I give the money to my parents who gives it to my sibling. I want my sibling to have dignity. A child, even an adult, doesn't feel embarrassed taking a gift from their parents. I think from a sibling can be embarrassing.

Not anonymously, I look for excuses to give a gift. Have a baby? Give way more than I usually. Forced to move to a new rental? Give a large gift l'kovod the move etc.

How do I know they need the money? I know from things that have slipped out they don't have enough money to pay for food.

I am only posting this in the hope of inspiring others. Please make sure your close family members have the money to feed their kids and pay the rent. It's a bigger mitzvah to help your family than to give to any other cause.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:22 pm

Do I think my sibling voluntarily impoverishes themselves? Maybe. Do I know they struggle with mental illness and will never get their act together. Yes.

My sibling helps me with childcare when needed. It is just the two of us. I give money to them from my account, not our joint account as I know it would really anger my husband. Not a ton but I transfer money when I see their account is low, etc.

gr82no

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:37 pm

I was going to but I realized when I give money instead of going for food and basics it went to things like a fifth stroller.
Now I just give stuff randomly saying I don’t want it, can you take it from me?
Or I say I was in the store and I saw x and I thought of you, enjoy!

amother

Mimosa

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 7:33 pm

I helped with some things for a sibling’s wedding, ordered some things etc
I gave $ to a sibling for college and spending money for seminary
If they ever ask me I’d give what I could but b”H it doesn’t seem anyone is in need, and I hope we’ll all be on the giving end

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:02 pm

Why not? I'm happy I'm able to be in a position to give.
If I know things are tight for my sibling, I say text me a list of groceries, and I'll order it and have it delivered for her.
Is really my pleasure. No strings. She says thank you and we move on

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:15 pm

Parents were always super generous to me, and I really always felt taken care of.
Hashem has willed it that now when parents are struggling, we are Bh doing well.
I am always ready to give them and my siblings, especially the single ones.

Ie. they helped me with a down payment, which was officially a gift, and now we are paying it back in installments.

They know they can always turn to me.

I never ask to get reimbursed if I buy something for them….

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 11:35 pm

I didn't vote.

My short answer is no.

My long answer is that I have a sibling who is a tremendous masmid, and his wife tries her best to be a mommy and have small jobs (she doesn't work full time at all, but because of her family needs, it's not possible.)
They are the real deal. Torah and yiras shamayim, bli ayin hara..they should be gebensht.

when they casually mentioned they couldn't afford chicken for shabbos, my dh went out on purim and collected for them to have nice food for shabbos- aka chicken and gefilte fish.

bH they are okay now.

So no, I don't support them, and we aren't wealthy(qualify for government six-month they don't because they live in a different country with different laws)
But we are extremely machshiv them and try to help them if we could

amother

Peru

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:00 am

amother [ Raspberry ] wrote:

No I don't believe in it.
What is this communism? If I don't need so much money I will just work less hours. Thank you.

Money or lack thereof is from hashem. If you have extra doesn't mean you need to work less or more.
Your hishtadlus is unrelated to your end goal.
And yes, helping others is a mitzva.
Perhaps you had a bad day when you posted this. Maybe your siblings hurt you badly so this triggered you

amother

Calendula

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:43 am

Currently none need help, but if my siblings needed it, I would give them everything I could to help.
Helping out feels so good, I wouldn't even feel like they owed me anything. Money comes from Hashem.

amother

Latte

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:50 am

You need to add another option:
Would like to help sibling, but sibling too proud to accept help

I have a brother who can really use the money. We found a way to discreetly help out, but our intermediary slipped and said it's from us. Sibling promptly sent the money right back to us. They were extremely tight at the time and really needed the help. Oh well, we tried...

amother

Gray

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 12:57 am

What’s this a spin-off of?

We just recently started having significant (for us) masser to give. So we gave towards tuition for a siblings kid.

Why would I rather give to a stranger?

amother

Holly

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 3:30 am

I am one of those being helped by siblings. I live in Israel and am the second to youngest in my family. I never expect it and am really grateful. Now we are more self sufficient albeit on a lower level then my siblings. In the beginning I found it hard to find a steady job and my husband was in college I never asked my siblings only my parents and only if we really couldn't pay rent that month. I would help out any sibling that needed it if I am able to. I do hope to ask siblings to lend me money when I want to buy an apartment here because you need a lot for a down payment but only if I would have a real sustainable plan to pay back.

amother

Gladiolus

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 3:53 am

I only have one sibling and we have similar incomes and expenses (not wealthy but not struggling b"h). So it's a non issue.

If chas veshalom she needed help with hospital bills or IVF, I would pitch in. I wouldn't give a certain amount per month so she could live above her means though (which she would never ask for, we weren't raised to do that and are both financially responsible).

amother

Moonstone

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 4:56 am

My husband comes from a large BT family. His parents were always struggling when he was growing up. My husband works in chinuch and I work from home so we have enough for day to day expenses but not for extras. Some of his siblings are doing well financially and have much smaller families than us and they have helped us out, either by sending their Maaser or by giving us large gifts. One sends money regularly to pay for a particular expense and a few paid my daughter's seminary tuition. I am profoundly grateful to all of them. My husband is sort of the family 'mashpia' who they come to for advice on different spiritual matters. I'm not sure if that balance things out but it helps me feel less guilty for being the 'taker' instead of the 'giver'

amother

Sage

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 5:41 am

My BIL and SIL are dirt poor in EY. They live in a tiny disgusting apartment with kn"h many children. My SIL hasn't worked in years. She does very small side things. While it's hard for me to see from the outside that they aren't even trying to better their situation, they also never complain. They are amazing parents and have a beautiful family.
DH likes to give them money by giving amounts we wouldn't normally give for simchas, and around chagim we give through a different family member so they don't know it's from us. We have never been asked by them for a single dollar. I don't resent them for it because it's my choice to give and I have no pressure from anyone, but I am also not giving huge or consistent amounts, and they have other wealthy family members that give much more so they will never starve b"H.

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 8:29 am

We don't support but we are the most well off from my siblings so we gift generously when they make a simcha, we pay for everything , or more than our share, when we are together (meals, outings, etc) , things along those lines.
One sibling once needed some help with tuition so we used our maaser money for that.

When we make a simcha, we help pay for their tickets and cover their accommodations.

amother

Nasturtium

Tue, Jan 25 2022, 2:45 pm

Bh we are in a position to help our siblings. We give generously for yuntif and simchos. My parents are getting older and they didn’t save much and relying on social security. I have a feeling we’re going to be giving them money as well soon. I always feel that bh my dh does well and it’s hashem’s money so of course we give to family (within reason and not enabling bad spending)