Implications of canceling a family outing due to one person

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:20 pm

So frustrated here. I think I probably did the wrong thing. It was going to be an afternoon out with my teen girls but one of them suddenly couldn't find anything to wear and she proceeded to melt down and have a mini-fit and insist to leave her at home by herself because all is lost and she never has nice or clean clothes or can find her clothes. All hyperbole. To which I said that none of us will go because it's not the point to have some of us go to an enjoyabe thing but not really enjoy it because the other one isn't there. And no telling what to do at home. So we are all pretty miserable at the momen. A day of break wasted.

watergirl

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:21 pm

It's not too late to get up and go with everyone else. Why are you punishing the rest of the family because of one person?

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:22 pm

I don't really understand this. Why can't your other teens be allowed to enjoy time with you without this sibling? Why should her meltdown spoil it for everyone?

amother

DarkRed

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:23 pm

Why would you cancel the trip for the rest of them because one is acting like a brat? It would be one thing if she couldn't go for a legitimate reason I could see not wanting to leave her home alone while you have a grand time but her behavior sounds completely childish and uncalled for.

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:54 pm

Sorry just had to post to let you know I really feel for you. I feel like you're getting bashed for what you did and its not so fair. You had to make a decision under huge pressure. Don't sweat it. Take the others out a different day and try again. Its OK. Even if you feel like you made a mistake, you can fix it. It can be a learning opportunity for the others to be understanding of mental health issues, to handle disappointment, to acknowledge your misjudgment, or whatever way you want to give it a positive spin.

I have a child who is emotionally volatile. Its very hard sometimes to reconcile the beautiful things in your head with the reality on the ground.

Good luck to you! May you have nachas from all of your children!

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:57 pm

I would have ignored the tantrum piled everyone in the car and said you have 5 minutes to get to the car before we leave. A teen can stay home alone no need to punish everyone for that.

amother

Azalea

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 12:58 pm

Don't do it again. Your other kids don't deserve this and they will resent their sibling. You don't want them to hate each other like that, and you don't want them to resent you either.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 1:42 pm

I really don't understand why you let one spoiled brat ruin the day for everyone else. It's not like she's two and can't be left home alone. Would your other girls really not have enjoyed an outing because one sister wasn't there? If so, they're way too enmeshed.

amother

Lime

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Mistake. You should’ve kept your plans. You don’t ruin everyone else’s time because one person had a meltdown, which you just rewarded her for.

sequoia

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:37 pm

The responses here are pretty harsh.

A couple that I know to be excellent parents cancelled their NYE plans this year because one kid out of four was having anxiety. I don’t think they were catering to a “spoiled brat.” They were showing her she is loved and safe.

amother

Coral

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 2:42 pm

sequoia- but what about the other kids. If they feel that they lose out because of this child they can be resentful.

I also think there's a difference between a child feeling anxious and a child flipping out because she can't find anything to wear.

ellacoe

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 3:03 pm

Op, don't beat up on yourself, you were under a lot of stress and made a game time decision. In hindsight you may feel differently and next time may do things differently. The main thing about punishments is that they are learning lessons. Punishing from anger or frustration often lead to sub-par punishments. A punishment isn't meant to get the person back. It is meant for the punishee to walk away with a lesson, and learn about consequences. What punishment would have better taught your daughter a lesson? What is the lesson you would want to teach her about this incident? And what can you do now to make it up to your other kids and possibly alleviate any bad will that they are feeling towards the sibling who ruined their outing?

amother

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 3:45 pm

On the one hand I think more often than not that I tend to do probably the exact opposite of what might be best for child rearing.

On the other hand, I can commisserate with my daughter that had the fit. I remember feeling like she did when I was growing up too. The type of day that was just seemingly not going my way and any sort of adversity would lead to total defeat. It could have been something simple that would have triggered me and the final straw. Today, I was imagining myself as a child being left home in that state of mind while the rest of my family went off to have a good time. Would have been crushing.

But I understand that it's not fair to inadvertantly punish the others.

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 6:38 pm

See what a loving kind mother you are!!

There's your positive lesson to share with the others! And now they will be like that for their kids! So you see, you did do the right thing! Good for you Smile

Don't beat yourself up!

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 6:44 pm

While wonderful you can u see stand her I would be careful in the future not to do so at everyone else’s expense. Sometimes there’s enmeshment going on…yes you want calm logical responses that guide and incentivize better behavior - I would find a way to reward the other kids for their loss- collective punishment does not incentivize or reward good behavior
Plus what happens give her too much power not good for her or anyone
Think it thru before it happens again this dynamic sounds like a pattern
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Bluebell

Mon, Jan 24 2022, 6:45 pm

Make it up to them tomorrow. Don’t let your other kids simmer with resentment.

My sister still has resentment from the time we were supposed to go on an exciting family trip and they didn’t go because of me. It wasn’t even my fault.