I cannot talk to my daughter normally

amother

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 6:49 pm

Lately Dd is driving me up the wall. She gets all crazy about what I say and how I say. We cannot have even one normal conversation anymore - every other word I say has her yelling. If I use a word she didn't want me to use she gets all stressed out that I "used the wrong word". If I interrupt her she says "now I forgot what I was saying". If I repeat something she said and I use one word differently than the words she said she has a full blown meltdown. She'll say things like "No! You're not talking loud enough, I can't hear you". And if I don't hear something she says and ask her to repeat... forget about it.
I feel like I'm living with a teenager, but Dd is 3 years old.
Is this normal behavior?

B"H I am a super calm and happy mother. So is DH. We are both very devoted, caring and involved parents. I can count on my fingers the amount of times I raised my voice.
I don't know where she is getting this from.

imasinger

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:01 pm

Maybe a little of both?

I do an obstacle course every week for one of the preschools I teach at. Today, I had a 3 year old burst into tears because I told him he needed to do his somersault on the mat, and not the floor. He was furious that I criticized his somersault.

I think a combination of empathy and guidance as to rules can work well. "I hear you're upset right now. Let's take a minute to breathe, then please tell me in a calm voice what you are wishing would be different."

Sometimes, the answer may be yes, and sometimes no. But once there's not the heightened state of emotional arousal, it's much easier to work it through.

Be sure to catch and praise every speck of flexibility you see.

ellacoe

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:13 pm

I am sorry that you are going through this. Is this behavior pattern new? Has something changed at home or in playgroup? Perhaps ask her how she would like you to say it instead. And when she is a bit calmer, ask her what she likes about that way. It might give you some insight into what is going through he head.

newinbp

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:16 pm

Hearing checked is a great place to start. Some kids on the asd spectrum can act this way. Don't throw tomatoes and it's probably not what you want to hear. But figuring this out earlier rather than later definitely helps everyone involved, so it's something to look into if/when you feel like it. Hatzlacha raba!

amother

NeonBlue

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:26 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Agree with Hodeez.

I would tell her "if you cry whenever we talk, I guess Mommy can't talk to you."

Walk away and ignore when she throws a tantrum.

Or
You can be loving and accomplish the same.

“Mommy can only hear you when you talk calmly. Let’s talk calm.”

You can have a tantrum in your room. When you’re calm you can come out”

My toddler is the same way. It’s hard. I once raised my voice in frustration at her and she said “I don’t like when you talk scary” They have big emotions for such little bodies. But you can help them navigate that and really give them tools for life.

The other day my daughter came to tell me “I’m having a hard time, I’m going to tantrum in my room. Ok?”

Nachas!

amother

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:37 pm

hodeez wrote:

She's 3...you shouldn't be accepting her speaking this way to you. Don't give in to her demands, you're the parent here.

I am very firm with her and I do think I have a good balance of firm but nice. I'm not a pushover in this way.
I remind her that when she cries like that I will stay quiet and not talk to her until she calms down and is ready to have a mature conversation. It usually works, but then 5 minutes later she is crying about the next thing I said.

amother

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:40 pm

amother [ NeonBlue ] wrote:

I kind of parent in the same way. And omg, this is exactly what dd would say. I once raised my voice and she got so upset that I was screaming! She said, "Mommy I don't like when you scream!"
She'll also tell me, "I'm feeling angry" or "I'm feeling a little bit sad".

amother

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:45 pm

newinbp wrote:

This is exactly what I don't want to hear! Crying

amother

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:46 pm

imasinger wrote:

Thanks for the response. We practice breathing in and out to calm down and talk calmly. We give hugs when she rephrases something nicely. I try...

imasinger

Wed, Jan 26 2022, 7:46 pm

You might want to try keeping a log of when she is acting like this. Is it all day every day? Are there times when she's more difficult?

Have you run the HALT test? (People have a harder time when they are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Do any of these, particularly hunger, apply?)

The more details you have, the easier it will be to figure a good solution.

spikta

Thu, Jan 27 2022, 4:33 am

My kids are very screamy at that age too, I think it's totally normal. They have complex feelings and needs but they usually don't have the ability to understand and put them into words very well.

My first response is always making sure that I understood what's bothering them and give empathy.
Your picture isn't coming out the way you wanted? That's so frustrating! You bumped your arm on the couch? That hurts!

I don't immediately try to fix things, or tell them there's nothing to cry about, I just echo what it is that's bothering them, and name the feeling(s) that I think they're feeling. Very often just being seen and empathized with is what people really need.
Sometimes we go through several back and forths where they list a lot of different things that are bothering them. I just keep echoing and empathizing. Sometimes sympathetic "mhhm"s and "oy"s are all that's needed. Generally, listening is much more important than what you say in that kind of situation. They're not really in a place to listen to you until they calm down anyway.
If they're demanding something specific, I try to figure out the need behind it. Are they hungry? Tired? Jealous? Do they want attention? Are they bored? I try to figure out how I can meet their need (not necessarily what they're asking for with words) in a way that works for me.

And sometimes kids just need to cry. And the best thing you can do is empathize without shutting them down. It's tough to listen to kids tantrum, but remember that it doesn't mean you're a bad mother. Childhood involves crying. You do what you can, but your job is not saving your child from any sadness or discomfort.