Making a Simcha....Relative refuses to get haircut!

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 9:50 am

OP here:
Thanks again for all of your replies!

I'm really not trying to be mean...so I hope you all aren't taking it that way! I'm a really kind, sweet person! I've said nothing that would make this person feel bad!

I do think this person is really afraid of Covid. The person had been looking forward to getting a haircut and to stores again after the vaccine, and now it's been a few months and still won't go.

As for why go to the simcha and not go anywhere else? I don't know!

chanchy123

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 10:14 am

amother [ Blushpink ] wrote:

Don’t include him in all the pictures so that child has some without him. It makes no sense not to get a haircut but also attend a simcha. Did you approach this person about your child’s feelings?

Please don’t. It’s none of your business how this relative looks, their hair their choice - who cares what the reason is, why start a fight and create offence.
But having your child take some pictures without the relative is a good idea. Please be tactful.

chanchy123

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 10:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe your relative has anxiety issues? But that’s a separate issue than this Simcha. If you’re close maybe suggest he gets help for this fear, covid has taken a mental toll on all of us, perhaps he was affected more than you realize.

amother

Hawthorn

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 10:30 am

I don't think it's so crazy to be concerned about haircuts... There are still a good number of covid cases where we are. The guidance on masks and vaccines has been confusing and there are other variants out there. You don't know who's actually properly vaccinated--a lot of people aren't and they're not careful. I don't blame people for not wanting to be in close proximity with someone in close contact with others all day. I just went for a cut for the first time since covid and there were people with masks not covering their noses and coughing. Nobody did anything, even though they made a big show of sanitizing the chair. Depending on your relationship you could offer to find someone for a masked outdoor cut. But otherwise, myob. Not under your control.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 10:50 am

Op, you havent answered anyone who mentioned a family member cut his hair.
Why is that not an option???
And if he says no to that, then he is obviously using covid as an excuse. Maybe he likes his new look.
What slecifically aboit a hair cut is scaring him? I had a hair cut a few months ago, with a woman, in her home, wearing a mask, sheild and gloves. Could that not be another option.

chanchy123

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 11:04 am

amother [ Hawthorn ] wrote:

But OP suggested the relative use her hair cutting person - I’m assuming as the employer she can make sure she wears a mask and whatever other protective gear makes her relative feel comfortable, it sounds like OP really cares about her relative. It’s obviously more than rationale covid concerns either there is another reason for the refusal to get their hard cut or they need help dealing with post covid mental stress/anxiety. It sounds like OPs relative is having a hard time feeling safe again even when all measures of precaution are being taken.

cbsp

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 11:50 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

We also didn't hear if this relative is a male or female.

The offer to use the hairdresser at the event leads me to believe they're a female.

To me this is a time where we treat the other person with rachmanus since there's no logical reason for the behavior (the relative is attending the event with whatever exposure that entails and would want to look good, so at least under normal circumstances they would try to tame the messiness on their own...)

Iymnok

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 11:52 am

cbsp wrote:

Except that hairdressers learn both ladies and men’s cuts and styles.

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:40 pm

Seems like it's a female. At a frum wedding, the hair stylist comes to do the women's hair only. Even if it's not a Jewish hairstylist they wouldn't have her working on a male mver of the family, in any case.
I agree, this sounds like a situation which calls for rachmanus on the unkempt family member. For her to prefer to be at the wedding knowingly looking at her worst, sounds like there are serious emotional issues at play, and that pushing her on this isn't wise. I'd leave her alone but as others suggested to a variety of photos so she isn't in the majority of them.

zaq

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 3:26 pm

As so many others have said, you do not get to dictate a person's looks. What you can do, if you find the hairdo so offensive, is have a graphic artist/retouch expert modify the pics in which this person appears. Just be aware that this will involve added fees, possibly significant ones. Taking something away, I.e. excess hair, is much more problematic than adding something e.g. filling in a neckline, because in a picture, if you remove the excess hair, you're left with a blank space. The background, be it a curtain or the parking lot or the bottom half of the person standing behind the subject, doesn't exist in the picture. That blank space has to be filled in, which means the artist has to create the background yesh me-ayin. It may or may not look natural, depending on the artist's expertise and other factors.

In any event, having the pix modified is a whole lot easier from an ogmat nefesh standpoint than trying to persuade or force a resistant person to do something s/he doesn't want to do, regardless of the reasons behind the refusal. People have pix modified all the time, from putting Uncle Motti under the chuppah when he didn't make it due to traffic, to straightening the kallah's hair, to removing the chocolate smears from the three-year-old nephew's face and shirt, to hiding the wrinkles in the chosson's collar, to deleting entire people. (See threads about women deleted from news pix.)

amother

Orchid

Mon, Mar 07 2022, 4:54 pm

amother [ Diamond ] wrote:

My father rather liked the look of his lockdown locks. He was quite reluctant to get it cut off. My mother was quite forceful about his need for a haircut, so he gave in, but had he been left to himself he might still have it long.

My friend’s husband recently donated his lockdown hair to tzedakah so they could make wigs for children with cancer. When your relative is in a better place (maybe even now as this is an old thread), perhaps they can do the same. Then the Simcha photos can be a reminder that your relative did a Mitzvah.