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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
When does it get cheaper?



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 6:56 am
As far as raising children is concerned?
My older kids are teenagers and I am noticing that they eat more and need more things. Also camp, etc. is a part of our life. I don't mind paying.

My question is, at what point do we start paying less than when they are teens, or nothing at all?

Because for sure we pay for wedding and set them up at marriage, but even later at least for my dh and me, our parents keep gifting us money.
But we are BTs and only children and or respective families.

How does it work out in larger FFB families?

ETA: we are jpf, college is something we encourage but I am not including costs here.
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 7:55 am
Once they are working, even if they are still living at home, they should begin to pay for at least some of their own 'stuff'. Clothes, cosmetics, cellphones, eating out, etc.

(Some families also have adult children pay something towards household expenses if they are earning an adult income. If they are driving, they should fill the car up once in a while.)

When they are married you technically have no obligations. If you choose to support them, that is a regular expense. If they are still in college, they will probably need some financial help until they are able to get a job. Additional gifts are entirely up to you.
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 7:59 am
Food doesn't stop until they move out.
We have kids from age 22 and down. We still pay for almost everything. We paid for college.
Now one child is working so she pays for her own entertainment expenses like going out with friends, manicures, etc. We still pay for all essentials.

I was financially on my own since age 18. I worked and paid for college and EVERY expense.
I lived at home but I paid for all my personal toiletries, any food that was specifically for me (eg: if I asked my mom to add stuff to her weekly shopping for me, she said I should buy it myself. Anything she purchased for the family like milk, etc I was allowed to use)
I paid 100% of my car insurance since I got my license.
My DH doesn't believe in this.
So we paid for driving lessons, car insurance, etc.
My friends and my kids friends are somewhere in between. usually kids in our circles pay for half of the cost of driving lessons, some part of car insurance, chip in for gas when they use the car, pay towards college.

My parents (who are FFB themselves) don't gift us anything except small bday gifts (like $25-50). They didn't help us buy our house.
DH and I have put away money for each child towards a down payment.
My in laws are a bit more generous with gifts but they also have less children and grandchildren than my parents, so it's all relative.

I think you can do whatever you want. Our kids know that we will pay for higher education and we will help towards their first home. But once they move out, they will be on their own. (Although I have a feeling DH will keep them on our cell phone plan)
It's perfectly OK to ask them to work and contribute towards non-essentials.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 8:49 am
Our kids in general pay for extra things they want from their pocket $. My HS girls pay for some of their own clothes - we buy what they need but they'll pay for extra shoes etc.
My post HS kids pay for all their recreational needs and the pay for their own clothes once they are working. My nearly 21 year old has a good job and she financed her own car and is paying for all the expenses. She is also paying for college degree although we payed for the first year or 2 when she was earning less.
I think if we could afford to give more we would but we also do believe that children should earn their own money and teenagers should be able to make some of their own decisions and be able to buy themselves those extra they want sometimes.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 9:59 am
Tuition is one of the biggest parenting expenses for most Orthodox families, so once the kids are out of school--whether that's yeshiva or college--expenses usually decrease. Weddings are a one-time expense for each child; best thing to do is to set aside a separate account for those and fund it early and often.

Be honest with your older children. If you can't afford private college, send them to public college and/or have them take out student loans and/or work to pay their own way. If you can't afford big fancy weddings, let them know that either their future in-laws will have to foot the bill for a big bash or they'll have to content themselves with something small (even a takana wedding costs many thousands).

Adult children who are working should pay their own personal expenses such as clothing, trips, toiletries, entertainment and wedding gifts to friends. If they make really good money, they should pay you rent. It doesn't hurt young people to have to live frugally if their earning power is low. It's excellent practice for real life, iow adult living on their own, married or not.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 10:13 am
we wean them off us slowly. so high school I pay for clothes but if she goes out to eat with friends she pays....or to cinema ...I pay her fone. in SEM we pay SEM they pay ticket to Israel and insurance....summer if they travel or camp we split the cost (age 17 and up, so once they are earning a bit ). driving lessons we split. again this is only fair if the child has an income (which we encourage, tutoring, Sunday school)
post SEM the young adult pays for all expense except food. we buy him or her something new for yt as a gift but not regular wardrobe.
by the time they marry anything we give is a gift. we don't believe in financially supporting adults long term
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 12:47 pm
zaq wrote:
Tuition is one of the biggest parenting expenses for most Orthodox families, so once the kids are out of school--whether that's yeshiva or college--expenses usually decrease. Weddings are a one-time expense for each child; best thing to do is to set aside a separate account for those and fund it early and often.

Be honest with your older children. If you can't afford private college, send them to public college and/or have them take out student loans and/or work to pay their own way. If you can't afford big fancy weddings, let them know that either their future in-laws will have to foot the bill for a big bash or they'll have to content themselves with something small (even a takana wedding costs many thousands).

Adult children who are working should pay their own personal expenses such as clothing, trips, toiletries, entertainment and wedding gifts to friends. If they make really good money, they should pay you rent. It doesn't hurt young people to have to live frugally if their earning power is low. It's excellent practice for real life, iow adult living on their own, married or not.

Re: the bolded - What about adult children living at home who have no income but do have significant sums of money in trust funds that they have complete access to?
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 1:04 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
Re: the bolded - What about adult children living at home who have no income but do have significant sums of money in trust funds that they have complete access to?


Why are they not working? Adults should be working in most situations.
What is that money set aside for?
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Elfrida




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:04 pm
amother [ Arcticblue ] wrote:
Why are they not working? Adults should be working in most situations.
What is that money set aside for?


The answer that springs to mind is boys learning in yeshiva.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:15 pm
amother [ Arcticblue ] wrote:
Why are they not working? Adults should be working in most situations.
What is that money set aside for?

They are adult children looking for work. The money was an inheritance.

My point was not whether they should be working, but whether or not their parents should continue to pay for them while at home.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:27 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
Re: the bolded - What about adult children living at home who have no income but do have significant sums of money in trust funds that they have complete access to?


If they are spending that money, I would charge them for food/rent - but tell them I am
putting that $ in an account towards their wedding or down payment on their house.
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:32 pm
I don't have older children but I'll tell u what my parents did. As teenagers they paid for our clothing (within a certain budget) and any extras we paid for. We stopped going to camp as campers as soon a we were old enough to be staff (maybe 15?).
When we were single living at home, they paid for household expenses that we used but that's it. They helped pay for wedding expenses but nothing after we got married and no higher education either. I believe it was cheaper for them at some point.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:48 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
If they are spending that money, I would charge them for food/rent - but tell them I am
putting that $ in an account towards their wedding or down payment on their house.

But they don’t need the parents’ money, they have enough of their own for eg a house from the trust funds.
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amother
Tanzanite


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 2:55 pm
Chasidish.

My parents paid for everything except my extras. (Going out to eat, friends gifts, trip to EY etc)
They paid towards (not full) higher eds for those of us that went. They married us off. (Simple wedding, but generous towards housewares, clothing and gifts)

Anything that comes after marriage is a bonus. Chanukah sometimes, Pesach once I think. Sometimes my mom finds a deal on sweater or shoes and can gift it to us. No birthday or anni. They try to assist towards wedding expenses when siblings get married.

They buy generous baby gifts for first few, think $$ towards bris, crib and layette..

They host us all the time for meals! So matza, wine, meat all add up. I don't exactly see much decreasing LOL.. Only tuition.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 3:24 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
But they don’t need the parents’ money, they have enough of their own for eg a house from the trust funds.


If they are reckless spenders they can waste all their money.

Parents should charge rent and food to make sure kids have some money for a house.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 4:45 pm
Parents did not let us take money when babysitting or doing odd jobs while in school.
My mother would cash it out with her own favors she needed from the neighbor I was told to babysit at etc.
Once I started working I did not have access to my money.
Parents used it to marry me off.
They paid all my expenses until I got married though.
Camp, clothes, school extra curricular activities, art or music lessons etc.
There were no extras. I never had cash to eat out with friends or do anything with friends.
It never dawned on me that I could ask for it.
I know my younger siblings do have money from odd jobs and spend it as they please. I guess my parents were more flexible as less compliant children grew up.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2022, 4:56 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
If they are reckless spenders they can waste all their money.

Parents should charge rent and food to make sure kids have some money for a house.

They are not spending much money as their parents pay for everything. They have enough trust-fund money to move out and get their own house. Their parents don’t need to do extra saving.
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