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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
My kid didn't get any shalach manos
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amother
Moccasin


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:25 am
This is starting to remind me too much of lehavdil Valentine's Day. Like there's the kid who makes valentines for all his "friends" and doesn't receive a single one, and remembers feeling heartbroken and rejected his whole life. I always felt so glad that there is no such stupid ritual in our religion...what in the world? I mitzvah meant to increase achdus is breaking kids' self esteem? We definitely need shalach manos takanos. Like, each kid in school draws the names of 2 others from the class, and no one else, and must bring to them on Purim day. This way each kid gets 2 and no more, and gets the fun of being surprised who drew his name. If that can't be accomplished, he/she has to speak to the teacher about an acceptable solution.
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amother
Raspberry


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:25 am
My child went to neighbors and got from them. He went to give a few classmates which some werent home. I think one boy came to our house which was more because his sister and my daughter are friends. Its a really hectic day! There are ways to enjoy the day with out people coming by… do you have any family around? Does he have neighbors who hes friendly with? Did you bring him to shul for Megillah in morning? Did ge see kids in costumes then? Did you have your meal with others?
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amother
Raspberry


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:26 am
How old is your child? Did he say something about no one coming?
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amother
Electricblue


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:31 am
amother [ Snow ] wrote:
When we drove to the block we were able to see the girl standing outside with her siblings. The front door was open and it looked like a busy house on Purim with people coming and going. It wouldn’t have been comfortable for my daughter to go out of the car. She certainly would have been noticed.


I agree with mommy3b2c. I really dont understand this. First of all many of the neighborhood kids who hang out in our house will say "I'll wait" when were having supper.some even ask "can I have supper if you have extra?" They're kids!!! Your job to say "thank you for coming dad please walk friend to the door now! Friend please come again soon!" Honestly sounds like maybe dd chickened out and got shy. Next time walk out with her to the door. What a missed opportunity.
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out-of-towner




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:34 am
Seeing this thread inspired me to text two mothers of kids who we found MM at our door while we were out to thank them. I simply am not capable of getting to everyone on Purim, so I couldn't run around to reciprocate, especially since said DC is in a car seat and it's super hard to get in and out (DC is 5, but a small 5 year old). Trust me it's nothing personal, I just have a LOT to balance on Purim, and other kids with other needs (including one with SN who isn't in school and doesn't have friends and so I need to make sure that the day isn't all about their siblings social lives).
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:39 am
amother [ Snow ] wrote:
We actually almost did that this year. My daughter wanted to bring mm’s to a very unpopular girl. This girl is lacking social skills and has come over uninvited and wouldn’t leave even if we explained to her after a while that we needed to eat/ do homework/ shower etc- she would respond “I’ll wait”. According to dd people stay away from this girl and she doesn’t have friends. We drove to her house and dd was about to go out of the car. Suddenly she realized that it might look like she wanted to be her friend and dd was worried that by giving her mm’s, this girl would now think it’s okay to come over all the time. We drove away without giving 😐


I'm with mommy2b3c on this one. (and coming from mommy2b3c, whom I admire tremendously for her huge heart - how she's always ready to help someone in need....no surprises.) A lost opportunity. You can teach your DD to set boundaries with friendships, and that's okay. But I would encourage my DD in this type of thing. More than anything, I want my girls to learn to be kind and caring.

When my DD was in 8th grade, it was a "thing" to have a sleepover the night before their graduation trip. I had 4 beds in my basement, and DD had (still has - they are as close as ever) 2 best friends. The three of them decided to invite an unpopular girl to join them. She was so excited to be invited! When they went on the trip, DD's two friends sat together, so this girl was DD's "partner" for the whole trip. You know what? It was fine. DD learned some good lessons from this. And it didn't hurt her social status. I'm so proud of her (10 years later) that she developed this aspect, caring about other people. It's something that hasn't stopped.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:41 am
BTW do your kids make a whole bunch of mm and then sit back and wait for others to come to them? Why don't they reach out to others instead?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:45 am
amother [ Daffodil ] wrote:
I disagree. Her daughter didn’t feel comfortable doing the chessed - it pushed her boundaries too much. Kudos to this mom for respecting that.


This is just something people make to say themselves feel better . If you want to teach boundaries then the appropriate boundary is that when the girl says “I’ll wait till you finish your homework” you teach your daughter to say: “I’m sorry , but my mother doesn’t allow that.”

I’m so sad that people act mean for the sake of “boundaries.”
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amother
Whitesmoke


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:48 am
what I've notice is that many "larger" families are less likely to chauffer their kids around to their kids friends. they are busy with teachers... we are a smaller family and the vast majority of people we went to. only a few families came to us. thankfully where we live everyone lives near each other.
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amother
Snow


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:54 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
I’m sorry, but that was a pretty terrible thing to do. You taught your daughter a horrible lesson. I’m sorry for being harsh but I have no words. You made a mistake, please fix it.


No, I don’t think I made a mistake. Many weeks on shabbos this girl comes over without being invited. It’s very hard for my daughter to have her over for hours and hours. Sometimes my daughter invited another friend and they are quietly playing when this girl shows up and the enjoyable afternoon is no longer enjoyable. She can stay for 6 hours, long after other friends left until I tell her straight out it’s time for her to go home. She answers me that she doesn’t want to walk home herself. We end up walking her even though she walked over to our house herself. (It’s a safe neighborhood and she is old enough to take the short walk alone) I’m talking about her staying here for 6+ hours and not being an enjoyable guest. The last few weeks she didn’t come. My daughter is right. This girl would be knocking on our door tomorrow afternoon and insist on what game to play, ask for dd to show her all the nosh, always asks if she can go upstairs to see the bedrooms even though we have a playroom we want friends to play in. She asks dd how old her parents are and on and on… she simply lack manners and social skills and pushes herself on my daughter.
I insist that my daughter be nice to her her and to everyone. I do not allow my children to be mean to anyone. It doesn’t have to be that she goes out of her way to do a nice thing if it would make her feel uncomfortable for many hours and days afterwards .
You have to understand the whole story before you judge. I think my daughter’s line of reasoning was correct. I’m proud of her for having good intentions. Yes, it would have been nice to bring something over but not if it will be interpreted as my my daughter offering to be her best friend from now on.
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out-of-towner




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:55 am
amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:
what I've notice is that many "larger" families are less likely to chauffer their kids around to their kids friends. they are busy with teachers... we are a smaller family and the vast majority of people we went to. only a few families came to us. thankfully where we live everyone lives near each other.


It's totally about the family dynamics, the community geography exc. I'm a young family, my oldest is 8 KAH. I host a Seuda in my house and need to have time to prepare for that. I don't allow my kids to walk more than a few houses down by themselves (some of my kids friends parents allow this, or they have older siblings to take them around). DH doesn't like or have time to take the kids around so it's 99% on me. I have zero intention of getting my kids to multiple neighborhoods to give MM to their classmates. I simply can't do it all. Nothing to do with how many friends my kids do or don't have. Everyone needs to be Dan Lkav Zechus.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 10:02 am
amother [ Snow ] wrote:
No, I don’t think I made a mistake. Many weeks on shabbos this girl comes over without being invited. It’s very hard for my daughter to have her over for hours and hours. Sometimes my daughter invited another friend and they are quietly playing when this girl shows up and the enjoyable afternoon is no longer enjoyable. She can stay for 6 hours, long after other friends left until I tell her straight out it’s time for her to go home. She answers me that she doesn’t want to walk home herself. We end up walking her even though she walked over to our house herself. (It’s a safe neighborhood and she is old enough to take the short walk alone) I’m talking about her staying here for 6+ hours and not being an enjoyable guest. The last few weeks she didn’t come. My daughter is right. This girl would be knocking on our door tomorrow afternoon and insist on what game to play, ask for dd to show her all the nosh, always asks if she can go upstairs to see the bedrooms even though we have a playroom we want friends to play in. She asks dd how old her parents are and on and on… she simply lack manners and social skills and pushes herself on my daughter.
I insist that my daughter be nice to her her and to everyone. I do not allow my children to be mean to anyone. It doesn’t have to be that she goes out of her way to do a nice thing if it would make her feel uncomfortable for many hours and days afterwards .
You have to understand the whole story before you judge. I think my daughter’s line of reasoning was correct. I’m proud of her for having good intentions. Yes, it would have been nice to bring something over but not if it will be interpreted as my my daughter offering to be her best friend from now on.


So she comes over anyway. Giving her mm would not have changed that. It would just make her feel good.

You need to teach your DD boundaries with the friendship. No one should come over for 6 hours. When she comes, tell her you are so happy to see her, and she can stay till....(2 hours from when she arrived, max.) Let her know at the outset. I have taught my DD this in a certain situation. sometimes if "friend" comes at 2, we say we are going somewhere at 4, so glad you came till then. And house rules have to be respected - so sorry we don't take guests upstairs.
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acemom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 10:24 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My son is very upset that not even one of his friends gave him shalach manos. We drove to 5 and none were home. He thought he would get at least one person who left at our door or came and no one did.


People weren't home and probably weren't expecting any for their kids.

I usually ask the parents of the kids my children want to send to if they are planning to send too, to avoid disappointments.

My kids prepared for cousins, but I asked each sibling discreetly before handing out if they prepared anything for my kids. We meet up at my parents house.
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amother
NeonPurple


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 12:04 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
Sure it is. But it’s literally misses the point of the day. It’s not Halloween. To me this attitude is what’s wrong with the entire day. It’s not about how much candy we collect. I feel bad for kids who live in a community where the point of the mitzvah has gotten lost


I feel bad for kids who's parents miss the point on how to love and care for them. Its so painful for a kid to get no shalach manos. That would be complete Insanity to it expect a kid not to be hurt. Have you really no capacity to understand that?

When I was a kid with only sneakers and no shabbos shoes, my father said there's no inyan written anywhere in the torah that you need special shoes for shabbos. He was technically right maybe. But he totally missed the boat on reality. And I was still was stuck at home.

Please please please, I hope you don't treat your kids with such cluelessness.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 12:04 pm
I'm sorry your child feels bad. Hopefully you left one by the door and you'll get back on shushsan purim (but maybe not , bc it's erev shobbos).

My children give to those friends they are capable of walking to on their own or with big sibling help. That means my younger kids only give on the block, maybe around the corner. My older kids and teens may walk throughout the neighborhood but anyone outside the neighborhood does not get unless we are literally passing by their house - many years I will not make an extra stop bit kid can run to friend who lives near stop we are making. Most of their friends are like this.

My kids do not give/get to their besties...rather from random classmates who are coming anyway. Fir example My daughter made one for a classmate who's father is chavrusas w our next door neighbor so comes every year but otherwise the two are not close. DD moaned in disappointment when we came back home and saw we had missed her by her mm at the door.

As a family we only travel specifically to rebbi, teachers, elderly relatives, one specific old friend and some years to someone we have specific hakaros hatov to.

This seems pretty typical in Lakewood and other cities with lots of purim traffic.

Do you not have neighbors for DS to give/receive? If not you may want to make up with classmates in advance (be prepared that they .as be hard to pin down, many families will not plan their day around their kids social life other than teacher hours..... it us not personal!)
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:02 pm
amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:
I feel bad for kids who's parents miss the point on how to love and care for them. Its so painful for a kid to get no shalach manos. That would be complete Insanity to it expect a kid not to be hurt. Have you really no capacity to understand that?

When I was a kid with only sneakers and no shabbos shoes, my father said there's no inyan written anywhere in the torah that you need special shoes for shabbos. He was technically right maybe. But he totally missed the boat on reality. And I was still was stuck at home.

Please please please, I hope you don't treat your kids with such cluelessness.


You’re being triggered by your dad. It’s not the same at all. But you also missed my point that I feel bad for kids who live in communities where they’d feel bad about this. But I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree
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amother
NeonPurple


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:29 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
You’re being triggered by your dad. It’s not the same at all. But you also missed my point that I feel bad for kids who live in communities where they’d feel bad about this. But I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree


I'm definitely being triggered. But I don't think I'm wrong. 😂

I am genuinely curious (and also skeptical) what kind of community do you live in where kids have no expectations of receiving MM.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:55 pm
amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:
I'm definitely being triggered. But I don't think I'm wrong. 😂

I am genuinely curious (and also skeptical) what kind of community do you live in where kids have no expectations of receiving MM.


It’s not just kids. It’s adults too. It’s low key. I got from 2 or 3 people plus my mom. We gave the same amount. We give to neighbors rather than friends, for simplify and ease. A few kids exchanged MM in school but not everyone. The focus isn’t on reciprocation. I definitely don’t give and get from the same people.
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amother
Oleander


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:57 pm
amother [ Snow ] wrote:
We actually almost did that this year. My daughter wanted to bring mm’s to a very unpopular girl. This girl is lacking social skills and has come over uninvited and wouldn’t leave even if we explained to her after a while that we needed to eat/ do homework/ shower etc- she would respond “I’ll wait”. According to dd people stay away from this girl and she doesn’t have friends. We drove to her house and dd was about to go out of the car. Suddenly she realized that it might look like she wanted to be her friend and dd was worried that by giving her mm’s, this girl would now think it’s okay to come over all the time. We drove away without giving 😐

This is just shocking.
My kids know every year to choose one or two kids who might not get.
We don’t discuss the social ramifications.
I cannot believe you actually encouraged this type of behaviour.
Wow, just wow.
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amother
Oleander


 

Post Fri, Mar 18 2022, 2:03 pm
amother [ Snow ] wrote:
No, I don’t think I made a mistake. Many weeks on shabbos this girl comes over without being invited. It’s very hard for my daughter to have her over for hours and hours. Sometimes my daughter invited another friend and they are quietly playing when this girl shows up and the enjoyable afternoon is no longer enjoyable. She can stay for 6 hours, long after other friends left until I tell her straight out it’s time for her to go home. She answers me that she doesn’t want to walk home herself. We end up walking her even though she walked over to our house herself. (It’s a safe neighborhood and she is old enough to take the short walk alone) I’m talking about her staying here for 6+ hours and not being an enjoyable guest. The last few weeks she didn’t come. My daughter is right. This girl would be knocking on our door tomorrow afternoon and insist on what game to play, ask for dd to show her all the nosh, always asks if she can go upstairs to see the bedrooms even though we have a playroom we want friends to play in. She asks dd how old her parents are and on and on… she simply lack manners and social skills and pushes herself on my daughter.
I insist that my daughter be nice to her her and to everyone. I do not allow my children to be mean to anyone. It doesn’t have to be that she goes out of her way to do a nice thing if it would make her feel uncomfortable for many hours and days afterwards .
You have to understand the whole story before you judge. I think my daughter’s line of reasoning was correct. I’m proud of her for having good intentions. Yes, it would have been nice to bring something over but not if it will be interpreted as my my daughter offering to be her best friend from now on.

No excuse.
Learn how to be a parent.
This gets worse by the minute
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