I’m scared, mad and lost! Son was abused

amother

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 4:16 pm

My 10yo ds just spilled the beans to me that our next door neighbor’s 15 yo boy abused him once s@xually and also hit him multiple times. This happened about 6 months ago and he was deathly afraid to share this with me as that boy threatened him with the worst. He just took the courage to tell me now as our neighbors are moving next month. I’m new to this and so lost as to where to start addressing this. What kind of help do I get my son? Do I approach the parents and how? I’m so angry at that boy! Feel like I want to throw him off a cliff.

amother

Moonstone

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 4:34 pm

I can’t help you as a mom but I can tell you as a survivor of zxual abuse that your response to your son is so important.
Make sure you tell him it’s good he let you know what happened and that you want him to be safe and that he can always tell you. And that it wasn’t his fault in any way- don’t say anything to make him think it was.
Hugs and hatzlacha. Wishing you and him hope and healing.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 4:37 pm

amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:

This, you have to show him you are taking care of him and acknowledge that the boy did something terrible to him and it is not your son's fault so matter what the circumstances were praise him for sharing it with you and call an organization for further guidance. He should see a professional briefly to address the trauma.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Apr 03 2022, 5:06 pm

First praise your son for telling you and remind him he can tell you anything.

For the next month, keep him far away from the boy next door.

Speak to a professional to see about reporting it and how to get your son help.

Again remind your son how proud you are that he came forward and its not his fault.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Apr 04 2022, 7:29 pm

Echoing the calls for a professional. I would also suggest taking your son for a STD panel. Talk to your pediatrician about the HPV vaccine - if it would be helpful at this point given that he may have already been exposed to HPV, does the data show that getting the vaccine after possible exposure is helpful in reducing long term risks?

Also set firm boundaries for your family regarding interaction with the offender and family. Your son - and any other family members - should never go over there or have any interaction with them. Not just the next few months, but NEVER.

I would suggest you talk to a professional about what your responsibilities are to keep the offender from doing this to someone else. Who needs to tell the mother if she doesn't already know? If the offender is in school, the school needs to be notified so that they cannot be alone with anyone ever.

Definitely tell your son how brave he is to tell you, how strong he is, and how proud of him you are. Tell him that you don't blame him at all, that the perpetrator is 100% at fault and he is 0%. Tell him that you are going to get help from professionals for him and for you, and do so right away. Be sure you get therapists who are experienced in treating trauma.

And one more thing - sending you hugs OP. I'm so sorry for the trauma and anger and fear and unknown you are facing right now. Please talk to professionals who know what you are going through and can help you.

amother

Tue, Apr 05 2022, 3:19 am

Thank you all for your helpful responses. They really mean a lot to me! We are in touch with relief and will start the therapy process soon. In the meantime, we’re still figuring out how to approach the parents. Besides that, the neighbors on the block all need to know to stay away from that dangerous boy. It’s just so uncomfortable to be the one to have to spread the word. Gotta see what approach to take. I’m still pinching myself thinking how this really happened to my son!
I did give him chizuk and told him how proud I am that he decided to share this and he breathed a huge sigh of relief! Poor child, keeping it bottled up for so many months! He also told me that he’s not afraid of that boy anymore. Several weeks ago, the boy tried doing it again but my son escaped.
I can’t think how many more kids on this block might’ve been affected!

amother

Papaya

Tue, Apr 05 2022, 8:05 am

Dear OP:

You are amazing and B”H doing all the right things for your son.

Why though, is no one here discussing that the abuser MUST be dealt with??? NOW!!!

He is still active and dangerous H-Shem yerachem!

Please speak to a Rav (that has dealt with these situations) as well as what whatever organization you are using and find out how to handle this. Today! It has to be dealt with and your son has to know abuser the was dealt with.

That boy needs to be helped and handled NOW! This is an EMERGENCY (and possibly done to others as well). H-Shem yaazor. Please!

No more time to figure out “how to handle”. This is how: Rav, organization and doing whatever needs to come next ASAP! Whatever it may be and whomever needs to be contacted...

To help heal ALL parties. PLEASE: deal with this abuse to STOP it in its tracks!

May you all have healing and menuchas hanefesh.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Apr 05 2022, 8:13 am

Op,
Kol hakavod! You are doing everything right and you saved your child's life. You can't really protect your child from being abused, it happens all over and it just takes a minute but you can prevent the trauma from it by doing all that you did. You must have a good relationship with your son for him to be able to open up to you, many children take years to tell and many never do. You also validated that he was not responsible and you are getting him professional help. I know you will do the right thing and protect the neighborhood children as well, having misplaced sympathy for the perpetrator is not the right thing to do, please ask a shaila about how to go about letting people know. If you are told not to tell, ask someone else. the question is not if you should tell but how. Knowing that he tried to do it again tells that he has a serious problem and there is no grey area here. This boy is dangerous.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Apr 05 2022, 8:16 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Nobody will blame you if you throw him off a cliff!

Sending love

I'm sorry but this is way out of line. A 15 year old that is abusing was likely abused himself. Imagine if this was your son, would you seriously not blame someone for doing that?!

The parents needs to be told and the relevant organisations need to help them help him. In terms of the neighbourhood kids I'd make sure they keep their son under constant supervision so he can't have access to the others. He needs help pronto.

OP, kudos to you for handling it so well. I hope your son's journey to recovery is less complex than anticipated and he heals nicely. Not all children are scarred for life, and iy"H he will come out healthy and strong. Hatzlacha!

Mamushka

Tue, Apr 05 2022, 8:57 am

Dear Op
Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
You got some good advice here. Please go to therapy too so you can be ss calm as possible for your son. It's very tricky to show that you are taking seriously and not catastrophysing a catastrophic situation even more.
Your son's chanches to heal are very high.
Please check how you can proceed re warning other people without doing anything illegal.

Mamushka

Tue, Apr 05 2022, 9:03 am

I don't know your relationship with the abuser's parents. No matter what, prepare yourself for complete denail from their side. I think many parents would react this way, because of the shock. The main goal should be that the abuser should get therapy. This would be the only hope that he wont hurt anyone else.
I suggest getting proffesional advice how to handle this situation.