Why is Ima mother biased towards DILs over MILS ????

amother

NeonOrange

Sat, Apr 23 2022, 8:41 pm

MILs tend to sometimes be a bit oblivious, maybe that's why. I obviously don't mean every MIL as I'm sure many women here are wonderful MIL and their kids are extremely lucky.

Here's my life with my MIL.

Scenario A. She will tell anyone who will listen that her ungrateful DIL (me) turned down her extremely extravagant gift. What she (a very chassidish woman) fails to mention is that she offered this gift to her MO DIL on the condition that she shave her head in keeping with chassidish traditions.

Scenario B. She complains that her mean DIL never brings the grandkids to visit and is keeping those children from her out of spite. What fails to tell people is that the grandkids refuse to come because all she does is criticize what they're wearing, begs my teenage son to grow some payos because what does he care to have them, drives a 7 year old girl crazy to wear tights, and so on. She's been asked repeatedly to stop and we're all over it by now.

So me personally, I'll be more inclined to hear what the DIL has to say over the MIL, and it's coming from very bitter experience.

mommy3b2c

Sat, Apr 23 2022, 9:54 pm

DustyDiamonds wrote:

I’m old enough to be a MIL, although am not yet.

I WISH Imamother had existed back in the late 90’s when I got married, so I could understand that the way I was treated was not normal.

I was raised to always respect and obey my elders. And I did.

And here’s what my MIL did:

Give me used linens with hairs and crumbs. Be insulted if I brought my own or tried to arrange (on my own with DH) to sleep at a neighbor.

She doesn’t eat breakfast on Shabbos or YT so she assumes that nobody else does. There is zero food to eat until lunch, other than whole vegetables in the fridge, (she doesn’t like or buy fruit) or I could take chicken and liver from lunch at 7:30am for me and the kids. (I would not be able to stomach that) I remember being there with a SIL who was feeding her toddler chicken for breakfast. I could not. Physically could not.

She keeps extra tissues and toilet paper in a hidden spot in the basement and gets insulted when asked for more than the 1/4 of a box that she leaves in the bathroom. Yes, after a year or two, I learned to ask DH to find that spot and gather extras, and also bring my own. After having suffered diarrhea many times with 0-5 tissues in the bathroom.

Apparently her mother only served chicken and meat and potatoes and soup and beets all Pesach, so this is what she thinks is right and holy. She also makes one pesach cake and serves thumbnail portions and then hides the rest of the cake.

When I tried to serve my kids dinner at 5/6 but the next meal would be later, she was visibly agitated that I was messing up her kitchen and kept silently putting away things as I was in the midst of serving my little ones. She forgot that kids can’t wait until an 8pm shalosh seudos or Shulchan Aruch past midnight.

Even on Shabbos, and I’ve been thinking pesach here, I was starved. And she’d be terribly insulted if I brought my own food. And I couldn’t feed my 1-4 year olds in secret, in my bedroom, the way I could deal with things for myself. If your hungry in that house on Shabbos morning or afternoons, there’s chicken and liver and beets or cole slaw in the fridge, and packages of flour and rice and beans in the pantry. I once found ice cream cones there and gave it to my kids as a Shabbos afternoon snack. She doesn’t believe in snacks.

When it wasn’t Pesach, there’s plain Cheerios to give the kids for breakfast, but she doesn’t believe in disposables. So I’d either have some milichig bowls and spoons in her milchig sink, which got her angry, or drying on the counter, which also got her angry. Yes, I should’ve dried the dishes and put them away, but I often couldn’t get to it because I was caring for a baby and toddlers and preschoolers and trying not to let them eat the dirt of her many potted plants or open more than one toy at a time, lest she get angry.

Also she’s so proud that she kept all of her kids toys from the 70’s for the grandchildren, yet gets snippy and angry when the kids mess up the toys. And yes, I’ll clean them later!

So I wish, as a DIL that I could’ve been validated here on Imamother and realized that this was behavior I shouldn’t have had to grin and bear.

IYH when I’m a MIL, I plan to ask both my child and my child-in-law, a couple of days before they’re due to arrive: I’m so excited that you’re coming! What can I buy or prepare to make you comfortable? Which goods would you like at the meals and which snacks or other foods would you want to have around? What can I do to make your accommodations and experience most comfortable and relaxing?

ETA. She’s a good person. Just raised by survivors and very frugal and short tempered and sensitive and completely forgot what it’s like to have little kids.

She may be a good person, but she’s also mentally ill.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 3:28 am

Vent because of the topic:

Don’t even get me started about my mil. She comes and behaves terribly. Even when she tries to help, she’s demanding and petulant. She talks on her phone ON SPEAKER in the middle of my house. She is losing her hearing and gets angry when we gently suggest she get it checked. Also angry because she has no idea what’s going on because hearing issues. Acts like a child ‘asking for permission ‘ to use a cup that has a spoon in it already. I tell her the cup is dirty ( clean cups were either on the drain board or on shelves. This one was neither.) She can’t see the dirt and gets mad at me she can’t use the cup. Accuses me of saying she’s blind because after I say the cup is dirty, she asked me where there’s a cup, and I say’ look on the drainboard or the shelf.’She ‘rinses’ dishes and does not use soap to wash them. Spills coffee stuff all over the counters… lights a gazillion candles and then complains it’s hot.

She’s passive aggressive constantly. It was a complete misery. When she used to hold Seders, she was stressed and became mean and I washed dishes for her for hours. After yom Tov she watched videos on her phone for hours on speaker that we could hear every word on a different floor with others trying to sleep. I’m not even mentioning the disgusting comments she made about a group of people and then raged about it when my husband asked her to speak respectfully. My son was also very shocked and hurt because of that. Gd forbid there should be an apology about her own behavior.

I’ve been married for almost thirty years. I have adult children. I’ll be a mother in law IYH some day sooner than later but I have learned what not to do to my future children in laws.

It’s not about what ‘position’ a person is in. It’s about their behaviour and lack of respect. As you can see, I’m not a newlywed. Da@@ straight the mother in law is wrong here.