Lessons from Pesach experience... where do I go from here?

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:11 pm

long story short, I am pregnant and have children already BH, and my parents and in-laws came for the entire Pesach. Both my parents and in-laws are fragile, but there are some differences in their health and behaviors.

In laws:
one in-law is addicted to pain medication, and when it's time to take the next med becomes incredibly irritable, yelling at me and the kids, telling the kids to stop jumping or humming or moving, constantly critical towards everyone, crying at the drop of a hat, dropping things and falling down and falling asleep mid-sentence when on medication; other in-law is actually a bit helpful but is constantly complaining about what their spouse is doing and that they are miserable and I feel put in the middle of a very dysfunctional relationship.

Parents:
elderly, medically fragile, very weak. Never yells at me or the kids, is never irritable. I need to take care of them. Cooking, encouraging and reminding to eat, clean up after them, they want things verrry clean (and I have to take care of it because they are unable to do so because of their health).

I did not like what was happening this yom tov. I found myself struggling to maintain my composure towards my in laws and to not stop my kids from being kids when appropriate, even though I have been sick and exhausted during this pregnancy I had basically no help from parents or in laws, and it made things harder.

Now I'm thinking about what to plan for after delivery (with Hashem's infinite help and mercy!)... part of me wants to tell both parents and in laws to stay home. Or at a hotel. I do not want them here - it'll be additional people for me to serve clean after and prepare for. Then there's the behavioral issues connected to pain medications. I'm stressed about them bringing addictive pain medications (more than 1) to my house where I have small children (found a pill on the floor after they left and am grateful that I found it and not my toddler!)... I get very irritable and weepy myself in the weeks after delivery and do not think I could tolerate the drama without falling apart and saying something I would later regret.

But is it right for me to rob my parents and in laws from spending the time they want with a newborn grandchild?

We live out of town, there are no places nearby where someone could stay, it's a small community and both parents and in laws don't see us often. I wouldn't put them by someone else given their health needs and the risk of injury and knowing that they may say something or something might happen that would impact me in other ways in the future...

What would you do? I am so torn, wanting to put myself first and feeling selfish.

amother

Diamond

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:15 pm

Op I'll let the other wise Imas opine however for the record you are a tzaddekes. Full stop.
Hashem should bless you

amother

Lemon

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:16 pm

Do what works for you and baby priority #1
It’s not all or nothing and there are options
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:21 pm

There is no requirement for parents or in laws to see a newborn immediately after birth.

Each set of parents can come at separate times a few weeks after birth if they live that far away.

And you will both enjoy the visit more if they stay somewhere other than your home.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 8:54 pm

amother [ Diamond ] wrote:

Op I'll let the other wise Imas opine however for the record you are a tzaddekes. Full stop.
Hashem should bless you

I agree, except Tzaddekes is an understatement!! I also live far out and when my relatives come they are basically in my house 24/7. They are leaving in a day or two (it has been waaaaaay too looooong) and all I keep thinking is I will bl"n NEVER do this again. I don't want to go into detail because if I start it will be pages and pages filled with pain.
Please please do whatever you need to do so that they don't come when you have the baby. You need to recuperate and enjoy the baby without any additional strain and stress. Tell them that unfortunately for medical reasons you aren't allowed to have any guests until your baby is a month old. Or maybe 3 months.

strawberry cola

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 9:05 pm

Definitely wait a few months. And don't have them together
Are you in a position to hire help= for elder care, house cleaning, meal preparation, baby-sitting? That could make a world of difference

amother

Banana

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 9:16 pm

Do not have them come right after you give birth. Go home, rest as much as you can, bond with your baby, let your body get over the trauma of pregnancy and birth. If you have any energy left after taking care of yourself and newborn spend time with baby's father and have fun with older kids. Send your parents and in-laws lots of pictures, call them a few times a week if you're up to it. Invite them, not at the same time, sometime between baby starting to crawl and starting solids.

amother

Lightblue

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 9:43 pm

I can't even handle non demanding guests after a baby. I NEED space and privacy, and I don't want to be responsible for preparing 3 meals a day for guests.

You gotta know your limits.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 10:52 pm

strawberry cola wrote:

Definitely wait a few months. And don't have them together
Are you in a position to hire help= for elder care, house cleaning, meal preparation, baby-sitting? That could make a world of difference

not in such a position... no cleaning help or anything else at this point. Planning to not have them together is a good idea, would certainly help. I'm not sure I can push off a few months after birth though.

amother

NeonGreen

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 10:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why not? “The doctor said” Is perfect in this case.

yidisheh mama

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 11:01 pm

Why can't they come for a day visit, or if they are that far that they can't travel both ways in one day, maybe just 1 night (Sunday morning to Monday afternoon). After birth is your time to rest and recover. Not to host and serve! Parents coming after birth to help out with household tasks is one thing, but this would be too much for most.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 11:07 pm

amother [ NeonGreen ] wrote:

Why not? “The doctor said” Is perfect in this case.

I've never had a doctor tell me not to allow family to come for a visit, not to host, etc. Unless it's because of covid - it would feel transparent.

amother

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 11:08 pm

yidisheh mama wrote:

I like this, this is very helpful. I think this is realistic - and I agree!

amother

Daisy

Sun, Apr 24 2022, 11:15 pm

I don’t think it’s a big deal to tell them you’re feeling week from the birth and unfortunately aren’t up to hosting them in your house. My in-laws and parents both prefer to stay either at a hotel or at an airbnb anyway. They’re used to their routines and it’s nice for them to have more ability to control their schedule.

Another mom

Mon, Apr 25 2022, 10:13 am

I'd say it would be different if it was a Bris iy"h (parents would be very insulted not to be invited) or a girl - Coming a month later is FINE!
Maybe if it's a boy you can find a room to rent? And help with meals (U can buy...)
Just some thoughts, best of luck!! B"sha'ah Tova!

amother

Mon, Apr 25 2022, 10:22 am

Another mom wrote:

no place near here where I can buy meals, no restaurants Sad

but I'm ok putting my husband to work cooking - but there's only so much I can ask him and the kids to do.

The problem I have is that the in-laws think they are "helping" and don't see the impact their visits have. Denial is real.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Apr 25 2022, 10:37 am

I'm trying to figure out how, if you're pregnant already, you'd have a newborn next Pesach. By my calculations you'd have a 4mo at the youngest. But nevermind, it's not important.

You do what you need to do. It's very gracious of you to host them at all for meals, even if they stay at a hotel. If that is your idea of a good compromise then go for it.

"Hi Mommy and Tatty/ Shvigger and Shver/ whatever you call them, We'd love to see you this Pesach but unfortunately we won't be able to host you full-time. We did some research and the X, Y, Z hotels/ motels seem to offer a nice experience and good value for the money/ a high-end experience at a reasonable price/ kosher food and great accommodations/ fill in the gaps.

"If you are planning a trip around Pesach please reserve a room at one of these hotels or a local AirBNB, and let us know which you chose, so we can send some food and drinks ahead of time so that you'll have it when you arrive."

Cue: What kind of daughter/ DIL sends her parents/ in-laws to a hotel?
We will help you, don't worry.
We can't afford the hotel, I'm sure you can find space for us to sleep.
At least if you won't host us you can find someone else who will, ask around.

"Unfortunately we are not in a position to host you full-time and you will need to find another place to sleep and eat breakfast, as well as meals other than the seudos for yom tov itself. You are welcome to ask around in our community but we are unable to do that for you or provide you with phone numbers. If you like we can send you the weekly newsletter and you can search the ads."

Cue the guilt and pressure.

"Unfortunately, we are not in a position to host you......"

Rinse and repeat. When you get sick of repeating yourself:

"We have said our piece and you will make your decisions. Please let us know what you decide, at least a month ahead of time, so that we can prepare the appropriate amount of food. Thank you."

But but but....

"I'm sorry, we have a lot to do, please let us know what you decide."

Click/ ignore/ etc. Do not respond further until they send a decision.

"Fine we won't come I guess you don't care...." / "Fine we'll book a hotel room, I can't believe..."

"Thank you for letting us know. We hope to see you a different time. Chag sameach/ shabbat shalom/ etc."

essie14

Mon, Apr 25 2022, 11:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

no place near here where I can buy meals, no restaurants Sad

Because your husband and kids will be doing household duty when you are immediately PP, you are 💯% entitled to ask the grandparents to wait a couple of months to visit.
I like others suggestions of having them stay in a hotel for 1-2 nights, when you're able to have simple meals for them and you're feeling more up to yourself.