Setting limits respectfully

amother

Tue, Apr 26 2022, 8:27 pm

I was raised with lots of threatening, punishment (traditional discipline)
I am trying to do better for my kids. Having a hard time setting limits in a respectful manner. Can you help me out? Teach me a thing or two?

amother

Chicory

Tue, Apr 26 2022, 8:35 pm

I love the book Spare the Child by Rabbi Yechiel Yakovson. No yelling, no hitting, always err to the side of being too nice than being too mean. Firm limits. Amazing book, a must read, in my opinion.
I am someone who also had terrible parenting role models.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Apr 26 2022, 10:07 pm

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

I have such a hard time reading it! Not sure why but I just can't get thru it! And it upsets me cuz I really want to implement his method.

amother

Chicory

Tue, Apr 26 2022, 10:26 pm

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

I have such a hard time reading it! Not sure why but I just can't get thru it! And it upsets me cuz I really want to implement his method.

It took me months to get thru the book. And I am someone that can sit for hours and read a 400 page book in one sitting. It's a lot to take in. I only read it for maybe ten minutes at a time.
Just keep plowing through. You'll get there and you can keep making small changes along the way.

amother

Lightcoral

Tue, Apr 26 2022, 11:07 pm

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

My daughters are almost 10 & 7. Would you recommend for this age?

amother

Feverfew

Wed, Apr 27 2022, 12:12 am

It's important for children to understand that there is cause and effect. They need this especially as adults. I parked at an expired meter, I get a ticket.etc.
The idea of setting limits with children is really the stepping stone to the limits of what adult life is about. It also creates less stress in children when they are aware instinctively of what is expected of them. DC wants another snack bag, yet you have only 1 per day policy. When you think about why you are saying no, not just because it's too much snack, but because you want them to understand limits, then you realize how little threatening etc achieves this goal. When we threaten we create chaos which wires the brain to say 'fight'!. At no point then, can any message or lesson be conveyed. So it's important to relax the brain.
So now,, if you want something you couldn't have what would you want someone to say? Most people want sympathy and understanding.so Hug. Look at them at eye level. I'm so sorry sweety, I know you love snacks. That's why I buy them for you. But you had one today so we can't get another. Kicking and screaming etc but you keep firm and sympathetic. Eventually the message of love and boundaries are set.