Was this reasonable?

amother

Canary

Mon, May 16 2022, 7:12 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Your mom or Savta would really say that? Surprised

We’re tough skinned..which means they would say this if I actually complained unreasonably like this. Which I highly doubt, bc I was raised to be grateful for every little thing a person does for me

amother

Midnight

Mon, May 16 2022, 7:24 pm

I think if it was too difficult to come down, then that could be communicated to the person making the dinner and avoid and unnecessary feelings of resentment. At the end of the day the person on the other end poured time and money into doing a chessed, with no personal gain, and can't know if something is too difficult for you. Everyone recovers from birth differently. Bottom line is if someone is doing a chessed even if it isn't the exact way that we specifically had in mind, we still need to have hakaras hatov.

amother

Jade

Mon, May 16 2022, 8:23 pm

amother [ Midnight ] wrote:

I don't see where anyone is saying not to have hakaras hatov. That doesn't mean the chessed here was done in the best way possibly.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, May 16 2022, 8:23 pm

Sorry, the entitlement here is insane.
And if it really IS easier for you to make your own dinner than the two minutes it takes to go down to fetch it - please do make your own dinner.
It's really not fair to make people put themselves out the entire day to cook up a storm for you, if you aren't even that interested in it/don't even feel the need for it.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, May 16 2022, 8:25 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

I don't see where anyone is saying not to have hakaras hatov. That doesn't mean the chessed here was done in the best way possibly.

We are all humans and no, we can't always do things perfectly.
With all the expectations here, it's a wonder that anyone signs up to make meals at all.

amother

Midnight

Mon, May 16 2022, 8:29 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

I don't see where anyone is saying not to have hakaras hatov. That doesn't mean the chessed here was done in the best way possibly.

Not sure the receiver is in the place to judge if the giver did the chessed in the perfect way. If you want to learn from it so you can have it mind when you are the one on the giving end, then that's le'toles. But when you criticize someone else's level of chessed that shows a lack of hakaras hatov.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, May 16 2022, 8:29 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

I’m wondering if all the people who say it’s no big deal to ask a new mom to come down have ever had a c section or other birth related complication/hard recovery. Not every new mom is in a state where they can or should take a few flights up and down …

Doesn't sound like OP falls in this category.

But, the answer to your post is COMMUNICATION.

If OP was in a state that she was unable to take an elevator down, she could have said so.

amother

Gladiolus

Mon, May 16 2022, 8:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's an elevator building, no stairs per se, but there was no way I would lock a newborn up in an empty apartment and take an elevator downstairs, and go out to the curb etc. What if I tripped or the elevator got stuck or a million unseen possibilities g-d forbid that kept me from returning immediately to my apartment.

I def don't think my feelings toward that would ever change based on getting older or having more experience as a mom.

So it was a matter of getting decently covered and bundling up the baby and carrying food and a baby back upstairs. Not a great plan lol. No evil intentions just maybe not so thought through.

You were right to take your baby, people are saying at least you didn’t have to carry her up and down flights of stairs you have an elevator.

amother

Tue, May 17 2022, 4:11 am

amother [ Canary ] wrote:

Exactly!! I can’t believe you started a thread to badmouth someone who made u free dinner. This makes me hate meal trains. You try to help, but there will always be something to complain about.

Im thinking what would my mom or Savta say?
“Did you eat the food? Then say thank you and stfu”

I thought about this and tried to agree but I just can't. Although that's some Savta you've got there!

Yeah I could have just not bothered posting but I was sincerely wondering if my basic feeling that this wasn't really the way to go was just me or what.

I've done a whole bunch of these meals for others as I'm sure many of us have. But to call a postpartum mom in the middle of the day to get dressed and come downstairs and outside to the curb in the cold with a newborn who was either interrupted during feeding or from sleeping....

She obviously wasn't expecting the newborn to be brought too so in her mind it wasn't much different than a postpartum mom getting up and coming downstairs to answer the door in a private house. I totally get that.

amother

Cyan

Tue, May 17 2022, 8:39 am

I do want to add. And perhaps, this is really for a spin off, that meal trains are very imperfect systems run by and for very imperfect humans.
OP, are you sure she didn't have a baby of her own sitting in the back seat?
Or perhaps she was just very harried and having a day of her own but signed up for this meal last week and didn't want to cancel on you.
Or perhaps she really does have a challenge knowing her time and place with people but can still cook great meals and assumes that this is her way of contributing to the community?
When you are on the receiving end of a meal train you are asking strangers to cook you food in their kitchens. There is so much that can go wrong on both ends. so after you feel the very normal feelings of yours you should also realize that there was probably another side and that at the end of the day a woman you don't know and will probably never really see again cooked you a home made meal for no reason other than the fact that you asked for one.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, May 17 2022, 8:43 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

I like this.

People on here talk about postpartum mums as some protected species that need to be pampered and coddled at all costs.

Of course, we all need to feel cared for after birth and need to give ourselves time to recover properly.

But, don't forget that the others around us still have their own lives too. The world doesn't stop turning on it's axis just because someone had a baby. And many of those preparing meals may very well be in more a situation of need than you are.

mizle10

Tue, May 17 2022, 12:51 pm

I'm so confused about the posters saying once she went down the elevator she could have just made supper herself.
These people are either
a: really really slow at getting into and out of an elevator
or
b: really really quick at cooking dinner.

Because if I time myself 10 out of 10 times cooking will take waaayyy longer. Even if I'm making grilled cheese or scrambled eggs. And that's assuming I have the ingredients in my house. And not counting the clean up. Not to mention this woman was probably dropping off a delicious healthy supper, not grilled cheese.

tichellady

Tue, May 17 2022, 1:05 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

Well then they shouldn’t be preparing meals. No one should be forcing anyone to make a meal.

mig100

Tue, May 17 2022, 1:07 pm

im with you op

I dont think unreasonable is the right word. I definitely dont think it was smart, thoughtful, the best way to do the chesed

If I am doing someone a chesed to make their life easier, I think its important to make sure to think about how to do it in a way that really makes their day hassle -free

I recently made supper for a kimpitur. Before I brought it I texted her to tell me when its a good time to come, she shouldnt feel pressured to come to the door. and if she wants to leave her door open I can go leave it inside.

She texted me to come when her husband was home and I gave him the food. She was in middle of nursing/ taking care and I didnt see her at all. There were multiple neighbors bringing food. If she would have to stop nursing, get woken, go get her baby dressed and in the carriage and go downstairs, etc each time, I sort of think it defeats the purpose of making her food. for that trouble she could have gone around the corner and got some takeout.

If I couldnt bring it to her door, I would not offer to make.

Last edited by mig100 on Tue, May 17 2022, 3:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Salmon

Tue, May 17 2022, 1:33 pm

Reminds me of a time postpartum someone came by to drop off some food. Which was really nice of her, I didn't even know her so well. She didn't tell me she was coming, she just rang on the bell, I buzzed her in and she came up. What I found funny though was when I opened the door she looked at me aghast and said whyyyyy are you not in bed???? Um, because I needed to open the door for you lol

amother

Tangerine

Tue, May 17 2022, 1:37 pm

tichellady wrote:

Well then they shouldn’t be preparing meals. No one should be forcing anyone to make a meal.

People like to put themselves out to help others. Especially if they've also been on the receiving end at other times.
But yeah, the vibe this thread is definitely giving is better not do if you can't do it perfectly.
And then people will start getting upset that no one is offering. (Though if making a meal is as easy as the receivers are suggesting, not sure why anyone is taking any meals at all.)

amother

Tulip

Tue, May 17 2022, 1:42 pm

I was reading over the comments. I really am happy to prepare food for anyone that needs. (happy times or Lo aleinu sad times) But many times I will not prepare as I am not a car owner and if I know my DH can't bring it over, then I decline. I do prepare food weekly for an organization that helps families. I am happy to help as they have Delivery options so I can join.

amother

Holly

Tue, May 17 2022, 1:42 pm

mig100 wrote:

im with you op

I dont think unreasonable is the right word. I definitely dont think it was smart, thoughtful, the best way to do the chesed

If I am doing someone a chesed to make their life easier, I think its important to make sure to think about how to do it in a way that really makes their day hassle -free

I recently made some food for shabbos, the first shabbos my neighbor was home with her baby. I texted her to tell me when its a good time to come, she shouldnt feel pressured to come to the door. and if she wants to leave her door open I can go leave it inside.

She texted me to come when her husband was home and I gave him the food. She was in middle of nursing and I didnt see her at all. There were multiple neighbors bringing food. If she would have to stop nursing, get woken, go get her baby dressed and in the carriage and go downstairs, etc each time, I sort of think it defeats the purpose of making her food. for that trouble she could have gone around the corner and got some takeout.

If I couldnt bring it to her door, I would not offer to make.

Why assume she planned it this way? Mistakes happen and things come up.

Really, I feel sad reading all of this analysis of a real person's chesed.
In my opinion, if it didn't feel right, be dan l'kaf zchus and try to keep it in mind next time you are the one bringing the meal.
And...
If you are receiving a meal, be extra aware to alert the organizer of any potential parking complications.