The imperfect chessed thread. The other side off the story

Sesame

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:15 am

amother [ Arcticblue ] wrote:

Being able to open the door is a requirement for getting a meal train, sorry.

So if someone is sick enough to need it they’re only eligible if they’re well enough to get to the door for you? Surely ppl who can’t open the door really need it more! Just leave it by the door and someone will bring it in for them. Sounds a bit odd to say “only if you open the door”, or “I’ll bring it to the door and give it to you in your hands, but if you’re sick enough to not be able to answer, you don’t meet the requirements of needing a meal”. Sounds absurd in my head.

amother

Green

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:20 am

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

If someone can't get out of bed, how are they adequately caring for their baby? For safety reasons, they should have another adult around.
Honestly with each new page on this thread, I am coming down more and more strongly on the side of abolishing meal trains. Whether it makes people resentful that the food isn't good enough or in large enough amounts or what have you.
If everyone knew there'd be no meal train, they'd make other plans and work things out somehow. And no anger, resentment, or hurt feelings.

I was very sick and couldn’t get out of bed. I normally had my dh around on hand to help, but he still had to go shopping, daven 3x a day and do lots of running around (preemie, we were nowhere near ready). Or he was out sitting with preemie baby in hospital. I still needed to eat.

ETA I did NOT have a meal train. Just explaining possible answers

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:23 am

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

I can’t believe this post but I’ll break it down for you. They are half naked in bed with baby in bed with them or in a bassinet in hand’s reach. All baby paraphernalia is either on the bed or in the bassinet. And yes this is common. So now that so many of you are enlightened I hope you are kinder.

amother

Garnet

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:34 am

amother [ Valerian ] wrote:

Totally, I was in the hospital after a c section and the nurse woke me up to come get the baby, I asked if she could be brought to me cause I hadn't gotten out of bed yet, the answer I got was how are you going to take care of her when you get home then?
I didn't have a chance to formulate an answer then but afterwards I wanted to tell her that when she wakes me up at home I'll just roll over and pick her up from the crib/bassinet and nurse her, no need to go x3 the length of my house in the cold chanukah weather at the yerushalmi hospital thank you.

amother

Dimgray

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:34 am

amother [ Valerian ] wrote:

You are reinforcing my point. If someone literally can't get out of bed, not even to use the bathroom, it's not safe to be alone. What is there is an emergency of any sort, besides, medical or home related. Hire a baby nurse. Then it solves the food issue as well as answering a door if needed.

Let everyone hire a baby nurse or order there own takeout, whichever solution works for them. I'm positing thst a lot of people on this site won't bother with the next meal train that comes up, so families of new babies will be forced to figure it out on their own. Which is probably for the best. No need for all the anger, disappointment, and resentment that unsatisfactory meal deliveries seems to bring out.

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:38 am

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

You are reinforcing my point. If someone literally can't get out of bed, not even to use the bathroom, it's not safe to be alone. What is there is an emergency of any sort, besides. Hire a baby nurse. Then it solves the food issue as well as answering a door if needed.

Let everyone hire a baby nurse or order there own takeout, whichever solution works for them. I'm positing thst a lot of people on this site won't bother with the next meal train that comes up, so families of new babies will be forced to figure it out on their own. Which is probably for the best. No need for all the anger, disappointment, and resentment that unsatisfactory meal deliveries seems to bring out.

So are you sponsoring this? You realize if everyone had money falling from trees they would get an abundance of help? I truly don’t get the lack of ability to understand how life works for most. What world do you live in because I’m starting to think we don’t live on the same planet.

amother

Dimgray

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:40 am

amother [ Valerian ] wrote:

The world where people eat lots of inexpensive pasta during the week and chicken mainly on shabbos. Meat only on YT.
I doubt you'd appreciate a meal I'd send over, even though it would be at significant cost to myself and much nicer than what my family eats.

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 19 2022, 7:47 am

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

Excuse me? I didn’t talk about quality of food at all ever. But at this point I don’t think I’d ask for a meal train because I would rather not deal with people who don’t understand postpartum and somehow I have to make sure they are the comfortable ones and feeling good about themselves. So yeah I’ll just skip and focus on taking care of me and the baby and the rest of my family.

amother

Chambray

Thu, May 19 2022, 8:00 am

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

On one hand you are saying the food isn’t good enough.
On the other hand you wouldn’t send to a women stick in bed with her baby.

After my c-section for 2 weeks I pretty much stayed upstairs with my baby. Steps were so painful for me.
My dh brought me up food,water, phone, reading material and went to work.
Ch’v had I needed to evacuate the house I would’ve.
I don’t think getting food is on that level.

BH my other births were no c section.
But I can just imagine having a new born,1 year old an 3 year old home with me one week post birth and asked to go up steps to get food from apt.
Does that mean I then need to bundle all 3 kids snd bring them up. Carry food town with them. I think I’d personally find it overwhelming.

But I see it’s only the wealthy who can afford a baby nurse worthy of having babies or getting meals.

Reality

Thu, May 19 2022, 8:23 am

amother [ Calendula ] wrote:

So your issue is the amount and are just assuming someone who sends chicken and potatoes are sending too little. (FYI if I send chicken thighs and legs I do send more than the number of people.)
You said that if it is a lot then it is ok. Most people give based on what they know- their 3 year old wont even eat 2 bites so a whole leg for them is way more than enough. Or your 6 year old eats like their teenager. How are they supposed to know? Should they send a dozen extra pieces just in case your family eats more?!? Either way- the issue you have is amount. Which could be an issue no matter what was sent. (What? 1 tray of ziti plus salad is not enough for a family of X number eaters...)

Just to be clear-The other poster was upset about getting chicken and potatoes. I would love to get that! Sending that isnt saying "I just want to check off a daily mitzvah"" - it is a meal many would want as per other posters too. And shows someone cared enough to buy ingredients, make a dinner, deliver it...
People who receive shouldnt have high standards and expectations as to what makes them "feel good".

Yes my main issue is the amount. As I have said many times on this thread, in my experience, people who throw together the least possible food are usually the ones who also don't give enough. It just goes together.

We eat chicken legs and potatoes in my house all the time. But unless a catastrophe happens, there's also a vegetable. It seems like some communities expect the new Mom's to flesh out the meal. I never had that experience. Where I have lived you were supposed to send a complete meal.

Back to the amount of pieces of chicken. The norm in my community is send a piece of chicken per person plus throw in 1-2 pieces extra to be on the safe side. It is considered chintzy to give less. You are not supposed to start making calculations about other people's appetites. If a person can't afford than send the exact amount. But to send less is rude. There is nothing worse than thinking you have food to feed your family and then you don't have enough to go around!

I do agree that one should be happy with what they receive. But if I'm the giver I should also try to make the receiver happy.

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, May 19 2022, 8:30 am

Amother Clematis, I wish I could like your post again and again! Halevai that everyone would have the sense of hakaras hatov that you do.

I had my first three months ago and had an emergency C-section. I have a strong desire for independence and did not want to be reliant on anyone for food, so I cooked a lot in my ninth month. I live in a wonderful community where people love to give, and so I ended up getting a bunch of meals anyway…even though I declined it a few times, I finally gave up and just accepted it. I was so appreciative of the time and effort people put into each one, even if things were not exactly to my taste. Chicken and potatoes is one of my favorite meals so whenever we got that I was very happy.

TBH I don’t understand the whole “pampering” thing—when I was immediately PP, I just wanted to have a chance to sleep, use the bathroom, and eat enough protein, and not have to deal with an onslaught of people trying to talk to me and/or see the baby when he was cluster feeding—especially when they insisted on coming in “just for one minute!”

For the mealtrain:
One person forgot to bring food on “her” day (we had enough in the house so weren’t hungry) and I was worried that she had perhaps brought it to the wrong house and would be upset if she didn’t get a thank you. So I reached out to the organizer to ask about that, we were fine in the food department but I didn’t want her to feel that she wasn’t appreciated for her efforts. Turns out she had forgotten and felt terrible about it, honestly I was debating if I should reach out to the organizer at all because I didn’t want to make the person who cooked feel bad. Then again, I didn’t want her to feel unappreciated if she had cooked the meal and had accidentally brought it to the wrong house.

I would love to take part in a meal train for someone else (never done it before), but reading some of these posts is making me wonder if whatever I would make would meet the recipient’s needs/expectations.

watergirl

Thu, May 19 2022, 8:35 am

Reality wrote:

We eat chicken legs and potatoes in my house all the time. But unless a catastrophe happens, there's also a vegetable. It seems like some communities expect the new Mom's to flesh out the meal. I never had that experience. Where I have lived you were supposed to send a complete meal.

OK I think I see the disconnect here. And I will say again, this is of course, community specific. For me, the chicken and potatos and a salad if you want (or rice or whatever) IS the complete meal (and if you want more than what is the typical send, and yes I suppose you would furnish that yourself). Soup and dessert is around only if it's left from shabbos. So for us, it's not, here is the main and a side and the rest is up to you, it's, here is dinner, enjoy.

I'll say it again - I think this thread would look very different in a community chat or something. If you posted in my community chat the question "what do you send for a mealtrain", you would get the kind of meal I send. I am sure if people write the same question in THEIR chats, they would get what they send... know what I mean? So everybody is reacting here The way they are because people are thinking only about what they themselves are accustomed to.

amother

Dimgray

Thu, May 19 2022, 8:56 am

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

No, I'm saying the entitlement on this thread is sad. The disgust and anger that anyone dares to send anything less than what you consider to be an acceptable meal is pretty sad.

amother

Grape

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:12 am

amother [ Buttercup ] wrote:

Honestly, I wouldn’t appreciate being sent a supper of just baked chicken legs and potatoes.

Why?
The point of kimpeturin meals isn't to eat gourmet on some other busy woman's expense , the point is that new Mom should be able to stay in bed and rest without having to buy supper ingredients and cook and without feeling guilty that her family is having cereal for supper because she's not up to cooking.
Chicken and potatoes is both delicious and nutritious and takes care of the family's supper needs.
Whoever wants gourmet can go to a gournet hotel or restaurant at some other time or order gourmet food at their own financial expense.

amother

Snowdrop

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:24 am

amother [ Grape ] wrote:

Why? Because I’d stay hungry. In my house I serve a soup chicken potato and vegetable so I send the same to others. But as watergirl said, it is obviously community specific

keym

Thu, May 19 2022, 9:29 am

amother [ Snowdrop ] wrote:

Why? Because I’d stay hungry. In my house I serve a soup chicken potato and vegetable so I send the same to others. But as watergirl said, it is obviously community specific

I honestly have a hard time believing that you/your family would stay hungry from my chicken, rice, string bean and bag of baby carrots supper. Seriously.
No matter which community you're in.
As long as I make sure to send plenty.
Which is 1 quarter per person (even the toddler) + another 2 for good measure.