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What's Wrong With this Story?



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aweinback




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 19 2022, 11:36 pm
I was told the following short story (2K words) is too creepy by 3 frum magazines I submitted it to. (They didn't all use the word "creepy" in their rejections, but something along those lines...)
Does anyone have a few minutes to read it and tell me why?
What about it is such a turn off for standard frum publications? There is a bit of a sci-fi twist at the end but nothing too disturbing... Thank you in advance!

[.


Last edited by aweinback on Mon, Sep 04 2023, 7:58 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Steel


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 12:26 am
The idea of planting a voice in someone’s head, especially a child’s head, is creepy. One would imagine the voice would soon gain power and control over the mind.
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amother
Leaf


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 2:05 am
It is creepy, but I assume that's your intent. It sounds like the editors of frum magazines aren't looking for that right now.

Not only is this story menacing, but the reader doesn't know why Kathy made the switch. Who gains? Is this part of a larger game? We're left without any sense of resolution. I think frum magazines prefer stories where all the loose ends are tied up at the end.

There's nothing particularly frum about the story, so why not send it out to other magazines? Look online to see who publishes short stories like this. It has a fun O. Henry kind of twist.

Also - All right, not alright.
And "it's" is a contraction of "it is."
"Its" without an apostrophe means "belonging to it."
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amother
Magnolia


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 4:05 am
I think you write really well! I think you should send it to a science fiction magazine or something like that. The issue a Jewish magazine might have with this is:
1. medical ethics
2. biological weapons
3. what positive message it there?
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 8:23 am
I liked the vivid imagery and enjoyed the story-you painted the picture really well op. As others have said there's a lot unsaid. As a prologue to something longer, I would be fine with that, but we're just left with too many questions.
I think there's not so much Jewish Sci-fi and magazines will be reluctant to take on such. If it was extremely upbeat and happy, then maybe. But then it will lose a lot of its impact.
But tbh I never really understand short stories. Whenever I read the yom tov supplements, I'm often scratching my head. There's a lot of emotion and feeling and the plot is either a longer one condensed, or it's something so small that's blown up.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 10:32 am
Like other posters said it's not necessarily something wrong about the story, more like a mismatch between story and magazine.

If I had to assign this a genre I'd say sci-fi. Nothing about it says that it's specifically frum. So nearly all frum magazines will reject it for that reason. Nothing to do with how well-written it is.

About the story itself:

There's a lot that's really good here. There's a background tension that builds really nicely, a sense of unease that comes on so slowly it's hard to say where it's coming from. In general, the language is very rich and descriptive. It's a nice use of "close 3rd person" - Mrs. Arbon lets us see the room and feel the sensations; she's "there" (we see her opinions, hear about her sensations) but not really in the way, if that makes sense.

There are a couple things I'd change, but this is all just my opinion:

I'd answer more questions about the technology itself. This story is really "about" the Tracer, so... what is it? Why do children scream during this procedure? How did Mrs. Arbon hear the songs being sung to younger patients - or are there actual people singing to them, in which case, why the Tracer? In general, what's the deal with this technology - good? bad? It seems like a technology that helps cure cancer while also singing encouraging songs in your head would be a good thing, but there's also something creepy about it, and the story itself feels ominous.

To clarify, when I say "answer more questions" I don't mean the technical stuff so much as the big-picture stuff. And I don't mean explicitly, more like implicitly. Basically make the story full-on sci-fi and leave readers with a stronger sense of how the world you've created is different from our world, and why it matters.

One other very minor thing - I'd make Mrs. Arbon's memory of her mother a bit more significant, and/or tie it into the story a little more clearly. Why is she remembering that specific thing, at that time?

Second minor thing - I almost misunderstood the end of the story because the sudden switch from "she" being Mrs Arbon to "she" being Kathy threw me off. I think that with spacing that would be clearer, though.

Anyway. I hope you don't mind all my thoughts Smile it's a nice story, and I think you'll find an audience if you look outside frum magazines.
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amother
Steel


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 11:29 am
OP, what is your feeling, as the author, about the Tracer? Is it good or sinister?

Because you seem to see it as good, while readers seem to universally see it as sinister. Maybe that’s why you don’t understand why the story is considered creepy.
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aweinback




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 1:17 pm
Thank you so much for all the responses, you’ve really give me a lot to think about.

I just assumed that everyone would know what I’m referring to with the “Doughnut” and the “Tracer” and all that, but it seems like (bH!) most people do not.
The main character is a cancer patient undergoing a routine PT scan. The Doughnut is the part of the machine that is shaped like a tube which she passes through that does the scanning. The Tracer is a radioactive substance that is injected in the patient’s bloodstream before the scan, which causes the cancer to appear lit up on the imaging, so its easy to see. This isn’t sci-fi, this is standard medical technology.
Kids hate this, because the machine is loud and scary and they need to lay very still otherwise the imaging will not be clear.
But mature, rational adults are expected to handle the scan like a walk in the park.
What I was aiming for, was a scenario where we have a mature, rational adult who hates PT scans and experiences fear and anxiety which are not validated at all by the people around her.
The sci-fi part kicks in when it turns out that the Technician (Kathy) has some sort of telepathic capabilities which helps her get into the minds of her patients to calm them down. Kathy usually uses this rare gift with the pediatric patients who need soothing. But here she is using it on an adult and she sees it is just as effective...sometimes adults need soothing too, even if its silly or irrational.

Apparently, I did a terrible job explaining the story line LOL Hiding

I don’t know anything about pitching to non jewish mags, but maybe it’s worth looking into, I hadn’t thought of that.

Thank you so much for showing me how you read it, and all your insights, I really appreciate! Good Shabs!
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amother
Quince


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 1:44 pm
aweinback wrote:
Thank you so much for all the responses, you’ve really give me a lot to think about.

I just assumed that everyone would know what I’m referring to with the “Doughnut” and the “Tracer” and all that, but it seems like (bH!) most people do not.
The main character is a cancer patient undergoing a routine PT scan. The Doughnut is the part of the machine that is shaped like a tube which she passes through that does the scanning. The Tracer is a radioactive substance that is injected in the patient’s bloodstream before the scan, which causes the cancer to appear lit up on the imaging, so its easy to see. This isn’t sci-fi, this is standard medical technology.
Kids hate this, because the machine is loud and scary and they need to lay very still otherwise the imaging will not be clear.
But mature, rational adults are expected to handle the scan like a walk in the park.
What I was aiming for, was a scenario where we have a mature, rational adult who hates PT scans and experiences fear and anxiety which are not validated at all by the people around her.
The sci-fi part kicks in when it turns out that the Technician (Kathy) has some sort of telepathic capabilities which helps her get into the minds of her patients to calm them down. Kathy usually uses this rare gift with the pediatric patients who need soothing. But here she is using it on an adult and she sees it is just as effective...sometimes adults need soothing too, even if its silly or irrational.

Apparently, I did a terrible job explaining the story line LOL Hiding

I don’t know anything about pitching to non jewish mags, but maybe it’s worth looking into, I hadn’t thought of that.

Thank you so much for showing me how you read it, and all your insights, I really appreciate! Good Shabs!


I'm not going to critique your story because I'm not a writer and I dont feel qualified to.

Saying that, I just want to say to you that I understood immediately what the doughnut and tracer was referring to and the idea you were trying to convey and I very much enjoyed reading it.

(I was confused when the other posters mentioned scifi)
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dena613




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 2:04 pm
I totally understood what the donut and tracer it was pretty clear.

I would have assumed that kathy was just talking in the machine to the patient, just like you can have music...

Not sure why there has to be the idea that she injected baby songs into the patient.
Don't get that
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amother
Steel


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 2:20 pm
Maybe just take out the sci fi element and have the ending be about how it takes a pediatric nurse to see that everyone at every age needs comforting.
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amother
Mulberry


 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 2:32 pm
amother [ Leaf ] wrote:
It is creepy, but I assume that's your intent. It sounds like the editors of frum magazines aren't looking for that right now.

Not only is this story menacing, but the reader doesn't know why Kathy made the switch. Who gains? Is this part of a larger game? We're left without any sense of resolution. I think frum magazines prefer stories where all the loose ends are tied up at the end.

There's nothing particularly frum about the story, so why not send it out to other magazines? Look online to see who publishes short stories like this. It has a fun O. Henry kind of twist.

Also - All right, not alright.
And "it's" is a contraction of "it is."
"Its" without an apostrophe means "belonging to it."


Alright is correct but you're using it too often to have authentic voice
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Rosemarie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 2:47 pm
dena613 wrote:
I totally understood what the donut and tracer it was pretty clear.

I would have assumed that kathy was just talking in the machine to the patient, just like you can have music...

Not sure why there has to be the idea that she injected baby songs into the patient.
Don't get that


Yes exactly, I thought all along that Kathy was singing to the patient through the machines intercom, and because she is usually with the pediatric patients she sang the songs she normally sings to them. Which is why that last line really threw me. I couldn't figure out what had happened, thought I completely misunderstood the whole story all along. I really liked the story till there, really got us into her mind and emotions, and I thought, wow, the pediatric tech really sees her patients and cares for all their needs, not just the test...
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aweinback




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 20 2022, 3:25 pm
Rosemarie wrote:
Yes exactly, I thought all along that Kathy was singing to the patient through the machines intercom, and because she is usually with the pediatric patients she sang the songs she normally sings to them. Which is why that last line really threw me. I couldn't figure out what had happened, thought I completely misunderstood the whole story all along. I really liked the story till there, really got us into her mind and emotions, and I thought, wow, the pediatric tech really sees her patients and cares for all their needs, not just the test...


I hear what you’re saying. That would make sense. I think the telepathy is the creepy part. Maybe if Kathy says that last line to herself instead of it being an unspoken telepathic message it would be less weird. Or I could just leave out that last line altogether.

Thanks!
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 21 2022, 4:07 pm
I understood that the "donut" was a machine, and the tracer helps it scan for cancer.

I didn't understand why Mrs. Arbon seemed to feel so apprehensive about the scan, and why children would be screaming. Just my experience, but when I've taken kids to medical tests (xrays, MRI) they were a little nervous but nowhere near frantic. So to me that felt like maybe the kids were in pain, or like something about the test was unusually frightening - and then the whole "voices in her head" part made it seem like maybe the kids were screaming because of the intrusion into their mind?

I definitely didn't get that the nurse had psychic powers, I though the effect was caused by her using a different type of Tracer/medicine on the patient. (this mostly because she fingers the syringe at the end and thinks of how the pediatric Tracer worked; also because of the choice of songs, which to me makes more sense from a computer-like technology than a person.)

I also didn't get that the "donut" was referring to current technology. The character mentions the donut seeing flaws in her DNA, so I thought that was talking about something more advanced.

Like I said I don't think the technical details are so important, just sharing the parts that were more/less clear for me personally.
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ShaindyShushan




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 21 2022, 10:14 pm
Not, thank G-d, having experience with such treatments, I sort of understood what the Doughnut and Tracer were supposed to be, but was also prepared for them to turn out to be more advanced or "speculative" versions of today's equipment/meds.

What I found confusing was the next to last line where Kathy says to herself that the Pediatric Tracer works just as well on geriatric patients. Made me think it wasn't telepathy after all, but some kind of hallucinogen that she personally would add to the tracer when working with kids. The fact that she fingers the syringe supports that idea. Up to that point, I wasn't entirely sure whether the singing was telepathy or induced hallucination.

The creepy bit is the lack of consent, or maybe the possibility that Kathy is illegally tampering with the tracer.

I agree with earlier commenters that it's a well-paced and interesting story that seems a lot better suited to the sci fi or speculative fiction world than to the frum mags. Also what someone mentioned earlier about the memory of the mother - a little more could be made of it. Maybe a brief mention about what's worrying little-girl Mrs. Arbon (the thing she doesn't want to do over and over).
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