Teen forged my signature

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, May 26 2022, 3:48 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Request seconded.
(I'm not diagnosed, it's just something I suspect more and more.)

There's a lot of helpful information on the Youtube channel "How to ADHD." (I know, most Youtube channels are garbage, but this one is put out by someone who does incredible research and then presents it in an easy-to-understand manner. And it's not boring, which is good for someone who has ADHD!)

Here are a few that I remember gave some good tips in different areas...I really do use these often, and they help a lot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxsAxi30BYw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM0Xv0eVGtY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg

But there are plenty more if you explore her channel. Dr. Russel Barkley also has some great lectures on it, but you need put in the time and effort. (They're long and not dumbed-down at all...which honestly I like, when I have the time and patience to listen to them.) He's a very well-respected expert on ADHD, but he has recorded lectures for parents of ADHDers on Youtube.

BrisketBoss

Thu, May 26 2022, 3:53 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

Thanks!

amother

Pear

Thu, May 26 2022, 7:50 pm

I usually don’t post, but couldn’t let this one go without responding- am I the only one who is reading this thread and thinking ‘this is how snowflakes are being created?’

No one thinks that the act of sheker is inexcusable? No one sees dishonesty in a teen as something she needs to be called out on? No one thinks a girl who should be getting a better grade can be expected to do better?

These are the entitled teens who grow up to be entitled adults who think paying tuition is unfair, doing dishonest things to get what they want and feeling attacked when offered or hearing constructive mussar.

Yes, I just made a huge blanket statement, and it’s not true about every teen who hasn’t ever done this once. I’m just shocked that people are so scared to give a teen some loving mussar to help her learn from her mistakes.

BrisketBoss

Thu, May 26 2022, 8:35 pm

amother [ Pear ] wrote:

It is safe to assume that this teen knows already that she's supposed to work hard and not be deceptive. Mussar is only supposed to be given where it would be helpful. Do you honestly see it being helpful here? If so, how? Have you thought this through or is this more of a reactionary "I'm the parent. I have to do something" approach?

Research shows that our children's behaviors are only a symptom. No matter where they fall on the spectrum of acceptability to us, the cause is what's important. You discover the cause, and address that. Address surface behavior only as much as you need to--in this scenario, you don't.

I promise, this does not produce entitled snowflakes.

amother

Gold

Thu, May 26 2022, 8:42 pm

amother [ Dustypink ] wrote:

I did this as a kid. I wasn’t at all afraid to show my parents my grades, they never made me feel bad if I didn’t do well. But, looking back, I definitely had/have ADHD, and things like having my parents sign my homework or tests were not on my radar when I was home. When I got to school I suddenly remembered it wasn’t done, so I had to do what I had to do to avoid getting into trouble. Then at one point I was “outed” and still remember the trouble I got into. I do not and did not have bad middos, I am the most honest straight person. I just didn’t want to get into trouble. I say, mention it lightly, try figure out without making her feel bad what would work better in future, and move on…

Are you me? Except I never got caught and so I guess I never "learned my lesson". Note though that my mother has ADHD too so she totally understood and I think she actually suggested it in the first place once when she forgot to sign my test and it was two minutes to the bus.

amother

RosePink

Thu, May 26 2022, 11:07 pm

Plenty of students are not good test takers and do phenomenally on oral tests because they know the answers but written tests don't work for them.

OP if she knows the answers but didn't do well on the test, it's because it was too much for her.

Care about her. You're not seeing her. The real her. You're not letting her be herself or praising her for who she really is.

amother

Topaz

Fri, May 27 2022, 2:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Really no one here thinks good grades are important? If it makes a difference to the point, I went thru the test with her and she knew every answer, the problem - an ongoing problem - is that she is rushing through the test without putting in proper effort. No one here thinks it's important for her to put in the effort? It's not a subject she struggles with and she doesn't have learning disabilities. She is actually smart.

Honestly, no. We live in a world where the school system isn't set up for children to learn and retain important information, it's set up to help them get into/through college. That system doesn't work for everyone. Like a previous poster mentioned, I also have inattentive ADHD, and school was just a horror show of guilt and shaming for not doing homework, etc even though it was obvious I was very bright and knew/understood the material.
All you are doing is creating a lot of shame for your daughter, and breaking down the mother-child relationship. There is the potential for so much closeness and beauty if you met her where she is, showed understanding and compassion and worked with her. As things stand, I can 100% see her not wanting a relationship or closeness when she's older. What do you want your relationship with her to look like in 5-10 years? Because now is the time to do the introspection and work to make that good relationship come to fruition.