What would you answer him?

Mevater

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 9:46 am

Quote:

Hello Chaptzem readers,

Let me start off by saying that I am what people would, and often do, call a bum. I am a bucher that never learned in yeshiva, watched videos and hung out. After a while I stopped davening and would often skip tefilin. I went to clubs and bars and did a lot of stupid things that don't really need mention. I am not bragging nor am I very proud of any of this. This is my reality and I want to be open and honest, at least here anonymously.

Understandably, my parents were completely lost and embarrassed with me. They had no idea how to deal with me or how to handle my acting out. They went from Rav to Rav asking advice on how to deal with their son. One suggested a kabbalist that specialized in ayin haras, another suggested some other such idea. Each guaranteed that their idea was sure to work.

After none of those ideas did anything, finally out of desperation, my parents took me to some expert 'mechanech' that convinced them that since I was crazy the only solution would be to have me medicated. So of course my desperate parents complied. Before I could even figure out what was happening to me, the mechanech had me seen by a psychiatrist for about five minutes, I was quickly diagnosed and medicated.

To be honest, I don't remember much. All I know is that for the next couple of weeks I couldn't think, eat, sleep or focus. I was a complete mess. I never left the house or did anything else for that matter. I would just sit around sluggishly trying to figure what the heck was going on with me.

Sadly, all I remember is hearing how happy my parents were talking between each other that I was so much better now. They would speak about me not going out on the street and embarrassing them anymore. They were overjoyed that they had finally found the solution for their problem.

It wasn't only until I was able to get myself a little together and stop taking the medication, which I did not need, that I started feeling better and began getting back to myself.

I know that there are many people that need medication to survive and should not stop taking it on their own. That was not the case with me. I was being medicated purely as a form of control. My parents could not control me so they just medicated me.

I now live in an apartment on my own and am in therapy. I B"H do not have any psychiatric problems and am not currently on medication, but I still feel it will be many years before I will be able to work through in therapy what I have gone through in yeshiva and with my parents all those years.

I am not sure whether or not I blame my parents at this point. They obviously weren't smart enough to know what was wrong and even more so how to handle me. How to give me what I was asking for with my acting out.

My message to everyone is that when you are a teenager you are not in control and people in power, a menahel, a rebbe, or even your parents when they are desperate, will do things that are not necessarily in your best interest. If you feel that you are being taken advantage of you must seek help immediately. Talk to someone that is trained to deal with people not just someone that says they are good with people and you will find someone that understands you and will listen to you and help.

Even if this letter is not real, it's something to think about. What should parents of a person like this do, other than daven?

http://chaptzem.blogspot.com/2......html

yo'ma

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 9:50 am

It's very sad what happened to him and I'm sure there are many more like him. I daven everyday not to ever have to worry about such things with my children.

Mevater

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 10:01 am

Is the cause of kids acting out- the too many rules in our society (unlesss you..., you're a [gentile])?

gryp

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 10:44 am

Sad when people abuse their position of power. That's all I can say. It's heartbreaking. A similar thing goes on in old age homes to the patients they want to subdue so they don't have to be bothered by them.

Crying

pinkbubbles

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 12:26 pm

scary when parents are faced with the unknown and will do anything to get their child to behave the way they want him/her to.

instead of supporting and reaching out, medication is the answer! oh yes. not.
(obviously except in a situation such as bi polar or something similar)

cassandra

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 12:29 pm

I think it's sad when people try to raise their children to fit a very specific mold and don't let the child be who he is.

cassandra

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 12:30 pm

redfireli wrote:

(obviously except in a situation such as bi polar or something similar)

A lot of kids these days are being diagnosed as bipolar and this is highly controversial, as there are many experts who believe that childhood is too young to diagnose bipolarity. So in this case you are essentially stuffing a kid with medicine he may not need.

Mevater

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 12:34 pm

cassandra wrote:

I think it's sad when people try to raise their children to fit a very specific mold and don't let the child be who he is.

So, people who live in a certain community, where there isn't a single school that will accept a child with certain morals and behavior- what do the parents do? Question

If they send to a school outside the community and the child is raised with a different set of morals and rules, how can there be peace in the home were the other children have to abide by stricter rules? Question

cassandra

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 12:39 pm

I would argue that if a culture has no room for individual differences then it is fundamentally flawed.

Mevater

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 12:42 pm

cassandra wrote:

I would argue that if a culture has no room for individual differences then it is fundamentally flawed.

How individual- that is the question. Maybe this BP or Willy guy would have been happy ina not Chassidish Yeshiva or a Yeshiva of Flatbush type school, but how could the parents have allowed it? None of our schools have that much religious tolerance (which I suspect was the problem here).

cassandra

Thu, Apr 10 2008, 12:49 pm

I think most kids who are loved and respected by their parents as they are will do their best to love and respect their parents back by doing what their parents believe is best for them. I would venture to say that a child who wants to do things that are so radically removed from his family and the rest of his peers did not get this kind of respect at home. So to me, what it comes down to is whether or not you trust your child, which I think also speaks to the issue of respect.

natush

Tue, May 13 2008, 1:30 pm

so sad

I can cry!
I worked with teen girls at risk and their story is so similar!
parents can't control them so they almost act like in sdom...
they would cut them square to fit "the school/society system...
and the result? square pants!!!! Confused

but...what are we supposed to do as parents...today the trend is to love love and love...well, most mothers of teens would agree with me that to love your super chuzpadik and defiant teen is rather a big big test!...and I don't mean love him as a mother I mean the tolerance respect and sweet gentelness to embrace this neshoma...even if s/he does whatever????
confusing stage...I guess it depends on how we matured as teens we will tolerate our own.
good luck